Dr. Roher

Do you remember when you and your partner were getting to know each other?

I bet that, when you think back to those early times of your love, you remember what you did together: perhaps you both liked the same music and went to concerts together; or you liked the theater, and went to many plays; or you had meals at favorite spots, or you cycled, hiked, walked, worked out together, sailed or went out for happy hour and these turned into whole evenings of conversation and fun.

Whatever you did, you did things together. Doing so allowed you to deepen your knowledge of each other, mostly noticing and emphasizing the similarities and ignoring or minimizing the differences between the two of you. This process greatly contributed to the development of an emotional bond between you two that grew deeper as you continued to come up with ideas of doing things you both liked, and enjoying the experiences of engaging in activities together.

Fast forward to now: what have you and your partner been doing together lately?

Chances are you both have been so busy that you may not have had much time to do things together; assuming other priorities came first for one, the other or for both of you, and no longer being sure that what you liked to do your partner would like as well. In fact, you may be convinced that your partner has changed since those early days. While you see yourself as having stayed basically the same, your partner in your view is like another person. You no longer can guess what he or she likes or doesn’t. And, actually, it looks to you like your partner is moving further and further away from you and who the two of you used to be in those early times together. It almost feels like your partner is doing this progressive distancing on purpose, to upset you, or to give you the message that he no longer sees you as the attractive, intelligent and fun person you used to be in his or her eyes. He or she doesn’t seem to be making any effort, these days, to let you know how much you are valued, appreciated and loved… so what’s left?

Let me offer an alternative view to yours, that your partner no longer loves you because he or she has changed so much that the two of you no longer share much anymore.

Is it possible that your partner may be exactly in the same situation you find yourself in. Perhaps he or she is convinced YOU are no longer interested in the relationship; YOU have changed and are now a different. Do you know that this is actually what often transpires when couples go to couple counseling, each partner stating that his or her position is based on what he or she thinks is going on with the other partner?

Of course, in such a situation neither partner can get their needs met, as each feels insecure about the relationship and the other partner’s feelings.

What is there to do? Invite your partner to go for a walk with you; send him/her a text in the middle of the day, with a suggestion about setting up a date for a movie, or a dinner out to one of your favorite places. When you reach out to your partner with openness, love and interest, an invitation can go a long way toward beginning to heal the rift and web of miscommunications and fears that enwrap your relationship like a spider web preventing your relationship to grow and expand. Be the first one to reach out: you will be surprised by what you might discover!

Daniela Roher, Ph.D.

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GREAT NEWS!!! Two main names in the field of relationship sciences, Drs. Harville Hendrix and Marion Solomon, have agreed to write testimonials for our book. We are deeply grateful for these endorsements and greatly encouraged and sustained by their faith and trust in our work and its value in helping couples in pain.

“Couples at the Crossroads is a valuable book for couples who are wondering if they can “make their relationship work. Drs. Roher and Schwartz have integrated the latest in relationship science with understanding and compassion, and produced a book that can help a motivated reader to look within, while connecting with what is important within a partner, and begin together to develop a deeply satisfying love that endures.” Marion Solomon, PhD., Co-author of “Love and War In Intimate Relationships”

“Couples at the Crossroads is a remarkable book; it’s a must-read for couples who are wondering if they can “make it work.” Drs. Roher and Schwartz have melded the latest in relationship science with understanding and compassion, in a way that will help you look within, reconnect with your partner, and create a love that’s deeply satisfying.” Harville Hendrix, Ph. D. Author of “Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.”

It is part of popular knowledge that in romantic relationships women want commitment from men, and at some point push, openly or subtly, for a marriage certificate. Men, on the other hand, are assumed to want to explore and experiment, but “cave in” to women’s pressures at some point or another in the course of a romantic relationship.

So, how come women, who allegedly want the commitment and security of a stable relationship, are also the ones who are more likely to initiate divorce procedures and give this commitment up?

On the surface, these facts seem contradictory, as one would expect women, once they got what they wanted, to hold on to it whereas men, who may have felt pressured to make a lifelong commitment, might at some point or another want to regain their freedom again… Yet, data show a different picture.

Is it because younger women are becoming more independent, so less likely to want commitment from men as in the past? After all, a lot of women today can take care of themselves financially and otherwise, so they no longer need a man to provide, take care and protect them. And yet these data seem to be constant even among women who are dependent on men. When we look at divorce data of couples in their 50s and 60s age range, for instance, which is reflective of more traditional marriages with men being the providers and women being housewives, we discover that this is the age range where divorces are not less common, but they actually are increasing at a faster pace than at any other age. Here too, women initiate two divorces out of three.

Is it because men are more likely to be unfaithful than women, so wives get fed up and divorce them? While on the one hand infidelities are increasing among women and, in the younger generation they are starting to catch up with men, male infidelity is still more prevalent that female. However, infidelity typically accounts for only about a quarter of divorces in this country.

Is it because men are more likely than women to engage in domestic violence? Recent surveys show that domestic violence accounts for about 20% of all divorces, so it cannot be singled out as the number one reason for them.

So, while all these elements contribute to a decision to file for divorce, none of them seems to be the main reason.

So, what is the main reason?

The main reasons women report for divorcing are affective reasons. They feel their partners are no longer communicating openly and deeply with them; they and their partners have drifted apart; they feel emotionally neglected and ignored; and the companionship and friendship that were there before are now gone.

It is when women feel emotionally alone, disconnected, devalued, unappreciated, and unsupported that they want out.

So, whether you are a man or a woman, please take a look at how you interact with your partner and how he or she may feel about it. Reconnecting – emotionally, physically, socially, and spiritually – can rekindle the love that was there and bring hope that it is not go.

Daniela Roher, Ph.D.

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At times people wonder how a stranger – i.e. a psychotherapist or a counselor – can help them with their problems as they feel they are so different from other struggling couples.

“How do they – i. e. marriage counselors and couple psychotherapists – know why we are at this point in our relationship?” they ask, and “How do they know what we need to do to get reconnected with one another again?”

While it is true that each situation is different and each couple has its own set of challenges and difficulties as well as resources and strengths, it is also true that there are fundamental similarities among couples in distress. And it is these similarities that allow professional people like counselors and psychotherapists to help. Most differences, in fact, tend to be more superficial than substantial, because fundamentally we all need and look for the same things in love, – being valued and cherished, appreciated and loved – and we all respond by feeling less at ease in situations where our needs are no longer being met – we get angry, hurt, rejected; we withdraw, criticize or disconnect.

The most important and fundamental similarity in all romantic relationships is the need for each partner to feel safe, both physically and emotionally, in the relationship. Now, this feeling of safety can be shattered in many different ways – think of your partner abandoning you at a time when you need him the most; or when she makes you feel responsible for all the problems in your relationship; or when you feel neglected by your partner because, after the birth of your baby, she is totally absorbed in her new mother role; or when you realize that your partner has life goals and priorities that clash with yours, and the two of you no longer are on the same page…

Realizing that you and your partner no longer seem to see things the same way, and he/she no longer is the person you loved, triggers feelings of insecurity and fear, and these, in turn, create anxiety. With anxiety, there is a need to self-protect, which means you are no longer open and trusting of each other, but you become cautious and vigilant when with your partner.

Acting defensively when together and no longer having each other’s back, foster feelings of hurt, fear, disappointment and betrayal. It is what creates disconnection between partners and leads to threats of separation.

This is what astute and seasoned psychotherapists and counselors sense when they work with couples in distress. How couples got to this place is often less relevant than what they need to do to move out and beyond it. So, marriage counselors and couples psychotherapists look for ways of repairing the damage caused by feeling rejected, abandoned, or dismissed and devalued by each other, and help couples change the ways partners interact and see each other by increasing their awareness of the underlying dysfunctional dynamics that maintain conflicts and insecurity in their relationships.

So, if you find yourself in a distressed relationship and are stuck, seek professional help. Just remember a relevant piece of information: on average, couples in distress get to a psychotherapist office six years too late… Do you want to be part of these statistics?

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The TV program “Game Change” that just aired a few days ago got me thinking about the power of attachment in all our lives, “from cradle to grave,” as John Bowlby stated fifty years or so ago.

“Game Change” recalls the events during the 2008 presidential campaign during which Sarah Palin, the then Governor of Alaska, was selected as John McCain’s vice-presidential running mate.

Leaving aside all political comments, as well as attempting to diagnose Ms. Palin, which are not at all the intent of this blog, I would like to use the opportunity of this program to emphasize the importance of attachment as a powerful and effective affect regulator.

Throughout the program viewers are watching the gradual unraveling of a person as Sarah Palin is being transformed from a mother and the governor of a state typically away from the limelight into a symbol designed to represent a large part of the American population’s goals and aspirations.

However, when Ms. Palin was exposed to difficulties the extent of which she had not anticipated, she began to experience anxiety and fear. At those times, when we are scared and anxious, not only Sarah Palin, but all of us tend to seek comfort and reassurance in those people whom we trust and love. Ms. Palin, when facing huge challenges, felt lost as her familiar surroundings, her family and all the people whom she knew and who knew her, were not physically or emotionally available to her. Throughout the program she asks to run a polling in Alaska to ascertain if her ratings are still high there. These are attempts, on her part, to stay connected which was was known and familiar to her, thus safe. On several occasions she asks for her children. She often looks lonely, scared and isolated.

The emotions expressed by Ms. Palin could be felt by all of us. We all, in fact, function much better when we feel there is someone we trust and love who is behind us; who has our best interests at heart and who has our back. This awareness makes us feel stronger. It comforts us to know that, in case of need, we can reach out and a trusted person will make him/herself available to us.

Recent studies on the effects of trauma indicate that it is not only the kind of trauma we are exposed to that determines our reactions to it, but it is GOING THROUGH IT ALONE!

Attachment figures – like a family member, a partner, a close friend – help us manage our emotions, so these won’t get out of control and overwhelm us. An attachment figure can soothe, reassure, support, encourage and just be present at a difficult or challenging time, making the whole difference between being alone and scared and feeling supported and loved.

Do you have someone you trust who is emotionally and physically present and available in your life? If you do, consider yourself lucky, and make sure you treasure and value this person.

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Let’s continue with more tips that will help your relationship become healthier, stronger and more rewarding for you.

1. Make more time for one another. Commit to taking time away from work to be together; take regular walks, plan a joint activity you both enjoy; start something new and fun, and do not use the excuse that you are already too busy to add more to your already full plate.
2. Don’t play the blame game. Chances are it is not you OR your partner who are at fault, but how things evolved – or, more appropriately, devolved – between the two of you that got you to the current place.
3. Don’t focus on how you got here, but what you can do to get out of here. Stay in the present and share with one another what is helpful to you and what you want to do for your partner, then invite him or her to do the same.
4. Provide positive feedback to one another. If you see your partner doing something nice that he or she has not done in a long time for you, make sure you communicate that you have noticed and appreciate it. Positive feedback builds confidence in each other and makes each person feel noticed, appreciated and responded to.
5. Review your progress regularly and adjust your goals and directions accordingly. Schedule regular times when the two of you can sit down together and assess how you are doing as a couple. Remember not to be accusatory _ “You haven’t done your part” – or complaining – “I am always the one who has to do all the work” – but state the facts and then, together, discuss the course to take in order to achieve your goals.
6. Make room for fun and playfulness. This process of feeding the couple shouldn’t be all seriousness and hard labor. Plan for fun times when the two of you give yourselves and each other permission to leave all serious talk aside and be goofy and playful with each other, like you used to be when you were getting to know each other.
7. Plan something new and different, like a trip, a special treat, an evening out, a drive through the countryside. Remember that this doesn’t have to be expensive, elaborate or over the top, as its purpose is that of signaling to one another that you are willing to invest time, energy, ideas and effort in making your relationship the best it can be.

Now that you have a dialogue going with your partner, and the two of you have shared your goals and plans, make sure you follow them. And, again, remember that this is not a contest where each of your activities needs to constantly be measured and compared to the other person’s. Doing things in a balanced way doesn’t mean doing everything 50-50 all the time. Rather, it means that at times you may do more and at times your partner may do more, as long as, in the end, both of you feel you have contributed your fair share to the health and longevity of your relationship.

If you are interested in knowing more about how to feed your relationship, please read our book, “Couples at the Crossroads. Five Steps to Finding Your Way back to Love.”