I hear this question quite often in my work. Couples are upset, confused, sad and disappointed that those loving feelings for each other seem to have vanished in thin air. They miss the butterfly-in-the-stomach reactions they used to have whenever they were in each other’s presence; the obsessive thinking about the relationship, and the wonderful feelings of being deeply connected to each other, of being understood, loved, appreciated, cherished.

Often couples cannot pinpoint a specific event or situation that might have contributed to this loss. They try to figure out what happened, but they cannot come up with anything that explains why they are presently feeling the way they do, how they got to this point and how to recover what they had together.

Losing the in-love feelings is a process that occurs in all romantic relationships, as these feelings are just the initial glue that gets people attracted to one another, the early motivation that energizes and motivates them to be together and enjoy each other’s company. These feelings, however, cannot last indefinitively, as the relationship shifts from the initial infatuation to a longer lasting companionship based on mutual respect, appreciation and feeling secure with one another.

As couples settle from the initial passion to a steadier pace of life together, a feeling of attachment takes the place of the initial in-love feelings for each other.

In-love feelings are fueled by the new, the different and the exotic in a situation that is felt to be unpredictable and surprising.  Attachment, on the other hand, is based on routines that foster familiarity and, in turn, emotional safety between partners.  At the beginning of a love relationship, there is a lot of newness, with unexpected, unpredictable, and exciting scenarios unfolding. As the relationship continues, more predictability, regularity, and consistency develop between partners. The first experience can be highly exciting, yet unsettling; the other predictable and safe but potentially boring.

Having said this, however, I don’t mean to imply that, as romantic relationships become more permanent, the in-love feelings of the beginning disappear forever. It just means that couples need to work at creating situations that are likely to evoke these feelings again by re-introducing excitement, unpredictability, and a break with routines. A special evening together, time set aside for each other,   fun and pleasurable activities, unexpected gestures toward one another are what longer term relationships need to get revitalized and rejuvenated.

So, surprise your partner with a different plan this evening. Take time to think about what he or she would like. Create a romantic environment that can remind you two of the earlier times of your love forgetting, for a moment, all the responsibilities that bog you and your partner down, and keep your minds focused on just the two of you.

When you take time out for yourself and your partner, you feed your relationship, infusing it with new experiences that come from being in the moment, just like the two of you used to be at the beginning of your love.

Boundaries are affected by individuals’ life experiences, as well as by different cultures. Societies where there is a strong emphasis on group cohesion have boundaries within the group that tend to be more flexible and relaxed. In societies like ours, with its emphasis on the individual, boundaries tend to be stricter.

Boundaries also vary according to gender. Women tend, in general, to have less clear boundaries than men. Hence they tend to be pushed around, manipulated and being controlled and abused more than men. Women also tend to be more afraid of confrontations, so they are more likely to go along with what another person wants in order to avoid conflict or hurting their feelings.

Extreme positions in boundaries –too inadequate or too rigid – tend to create psychological problems. Lack of healthy boundaries can lead to abuse, taking responsibilities for someone else’s decisions and actions, losing one’s sense of identity, and so on. Boundaries that are too rigid keep people in isolation, as though they were within a bubble that nobody can break through.

How do we develop healthy boundaries?

1. Look at your upbringing and see how your family interacted with you: did they respect your private space? Did they leave you alone in areas where you needed guidance and support?
2. How do you see yourself in relation to others? Do you see yourself as controlling? Or more likely to be controlled? When somebody is bothering you, what is your most likely response?
3. Decide the areas where you are not willing to compromise and make plans to protect them. Stick to your resolve. People may not like your stand, but they will respect it.
4. While you become more aware of your own boundaries, don’t forget those of others! If you want them to respect your boundaries, you need to do the same with theirs.
5. When you feel your boundaries are being violated, respond in ways that are clear, direct and to the point. Don’t worry so much about not being liked. Worry more about being heard. This does not mean you need to be aggressive, even though at times this is necessary, but aim at being assertive.

In essence, if you want people to respect your boundaries, you need to start from yourself. Most of the time people respond to how you act, so set a clear example of how you want to be treated. Above all, remember that, no matter how close you feel to another person, there is always a part of you that remains separate from the relationship and THIS IS NOT ONLY OK BUT HEALTHY.

Internet affairs have become a new way of reaching out to people outside one’s marriage for companionship, love and sex. In this article we discuss the differences between these affairs and real time affairs.

Internet infidelity is an issue of endemic proportions not only for the sheer number of people involved in them, but also because of the endless possibilities at one’s fingertips that cyberspace contacts offer.

I see the following as some of the main differences between cyberspace and real time affairs:

1. Anonymity. This encourages people to share more personal and intimate parts of themselves; to verbalize fantasies and wishes that might be more difficult to discuss with someone in real time, and to be bolder and more experimental with specific desires and interests.
2. Containment. Lack of physical and sexual contact online makes people feel less at risk of exposure. They don’t have to be afraid to be seen; they don’t have to worry about explaining to a partner where they spent the last few hours, or where they have been, and they don’t have to worry about safe sex. This feeling of safety is illusory and misplaced, however. 50% of people who meet on line progress to communicating with one another over the phone, and 31% end up having sex with one another at some point in the course of their relationship. Other people, however, prefer to maintain a virtual-only relationship, and resist meeting and getting to know each other in real life.
3. More room for fantasizing. Because the person at the other end of the screen is not a person in flesh and bones, she or can easily become an image onto whom all kinds of fantasies can be projected.
4. Unlimited pool from which to choose the person who meets one’s fancy and desires. This almost unlimited pool is available twenty four seven, across the globe.
5. Dissociation from reality. This element contributes to secrecy, compartmentalization and denial. All affairs, including those in real time, are kept somehow dissociated from reality. However, online affairs are even more so. A large proportion of people who engage in Internet infidelity do not even believe they are having affairs. This belief reduces their guilt and responsibility about what they are doing, and discourages them from stopping these behaviors.
6. Easier to begin intimate relationships. Fears of being rejected, of being inadequate, unattractive and socially awkward are greatly reduced in online affairs, due to the lack of physical contact, at least at the beginning.
7. Relationships become intimate much faster than real time ones, due to lowered inhibitions and ease of communication by text only, rather than face-to-face interactions.
8. Easier to end relationships, without awkward explanations, guilt and repercussions. The concept of “de-friendling” used in some social networks is an example of the ease with which people on line end relationships.

Because of all these characteristics, online affairs paradoxically tend to be deeper and more intimate and at the same time more superficial than real life ones. In internet intimate relationships, the sense of time is skewed; the normal progression from superficial to more intimate knowledge of each other is different, as couples can become very intimate right away, while in other areas they may continue to be total strangers to one another.

The biggest danger of online affairs is the illusion that what is happening is real, when in fact it is walled off from reality, and totally dissociated from it. These walled off experiences represent an altered reality that is often maintained isolated, unintegrated from the rest of one’s life and secret. Its presence prevents people involved in it to deal with the problems they face in real time relationships. Instead of addressing real life challenges, people retreat in opportunities and fantasies provided by access to the internet, maintaining two realities that don’t communicate nor interact with one another.

Give us your views on this topic by clicking on comments below.

Is there a correlation between the levels of some brain chemicals and vulnerability to extra marital infidelity? Research in this area indicates that, while physical tendencies may be changed by our ability to think and reach logical decisions, our brain chemistry can influence our behaviors and choices. Of these chemicals, three in particular affect sexual and romantic behaviors in men and women. These are: Testosterone, Dopamine and Oxytocin.Elevated levels of these chemicals contribute to the development of lust, romantic love and attachment, all elements that play a role in intimate relationships and thus in affairs as well, separately or together.

Testosterone is a hormone associated with lust. While men tend to have higher elevations of testosterone than women, women can also be affected by this hormone’s levels. In women, lust waxes and wanes according to their menstrual cycle, typically reaching a peak during ovulation – the second week of the menstrual cycle – which is also their most fertile time (Havelick.)

Studies indicate that people with high circulating levels of testosterone tend to have more affairs and higher divorce rates than those with lower testosterone levels. And, while some people may have inherited high testosterone levels, certain situations can also elevate or lower them. For instance, single men have higher testosterone levels than married men. In married men, when marriages are in trouble, levels of testosterone raise (Booth and Dobbs), making affairs more likely to occur.

Dopamine, our most powerful stimulant, is a neurotransmitter that becomes elevated in addictions, and is also elevated when we are in love, contributing to hyper-focused attention, exhilaration, obsessive thinking and increased levels of energy (Fisher.) Research found that novelty (like in an affair) can trigger the release of dopamine and promote romantic love. Dopamine, in turn, stimulates the release of testosterone, which increases one’s sexual drive.

Oxytocin is called the “cuddle hormone’ because of the role it plays in intimacy. The role of oxytocin in affairs seems to be particularly important when we consider affairs women engage in. Women, in fact, tend to have affairs because they are looking for a soul mate, someone they feel emotionally connected to, and with whom they can share their innermost feelings (Spring.) Men, on the other hand, are more likely to look for a playmate, someone with whom they can engage in activities and pursuits they both like and enjoy, including sex.

As we can see, “Love is a symphony of feelings with many notes and chords,” as author Helen Fisher tells us in her book “Why we Love.” There are many elements – we discussed the psychological, environmental and physiological ones – that contribute to making it as exciting, attractive and irresistible as it is, at all ages and under all kinds of circumstances. But, while its elements have been the same throughout history, new technological developments have created circumstances and opportunities for the development and expression of lust and romantic love that are completely new. Internet affairs are examples of such new circumstances, providing hitherto new and fantasy rich romantic and lustful encounters for both men and women.

As we saw in the preceding blog on the psychological traits that make people more vulnerable to extra marital infidelity, it is the emotionally disconnection from their romantic partners – whether because one or both are insecurely attached, or because external circumstances weakened their emotional connection with one another – that makes some people more likely to get involved in extra marital affairs. Most cheaters (over 90% in a survey of over 4,300 people) confirm this when they state that the primary reason for cheating is emotional, not sexual (Layton-Tholl.)

When this lack of emotional connection and closeness with their mates gets married (no puns intended) to the pull of desire, as well as the excitement of the new and forbidden and the fantasy that, with another person, they can achieve the intimacy they want and need, we have a perfect storm for an affair to happen.

However, not all insecurely attached individuals develop affairs. However, insecurely attached people may tend to be more impulsive, as the sense of security in the relationship with their mate is not there to anchor them. Impulsivity facilitates the shift from thinking about doing something to actually carrying the thought out in reality. Impulsive people focus entirely on the present moment and their present needs and block out any thought about the repercussions of their decisions. Impulsivity also blocks out any thought about how a certain behavior may impact people who are going to be affected by these decisions. Of course, impulsivity does not exclusively occur in insecurely attached people, but insecure attachment creates an added vulnerability.

Some other psychological elements may increase the chances of people having extra marital affairs. In an earlier blog we discussed that people in the high drama professions are more at risk for extra marital infidelity. Psychologically, people who choose these professions tend to thrive on excitement and high drama. While their tolerance for routine is quite low as they get easily bored, they are attracted to unpredictability, exhilaration and constant stimulation. Affairs, to these people, are highly appealing and tempting because they feed their need for excitement and risk. These are also people who tend to live in the present, and don’t worry too much about the repercussions of their actions in the future. So, they don’t think about what will happen to their primary relationships as a consequence of their affairs, or to their lovers, often until it is too late. In such cases, impulsivity gets coupled with by an exaggerated sense of entitlement and being above rules that apply to everybody but not them.

What happens to couples when they are forced by external circumstances to live together? How does this situation affect each partner and their children, if couples have children? I suggest that, rather than fighting their situation – which does not solve the problem anyway – couples should face what is happening to them, understand how they got to this point and explore ways of possibly reconnecting with one another, or let go of their relationship in a healthy way.

Areas of common ground in their distressed relationship can become the starting point of alliance. One such common ground is their children, if they have any. Usually, both partners want to be good parents, no matter how bad their relationship with one another is. Other areas can be extended families, friends, assets and goals couples may have been working on together and other areas that were and still are meaningful to both of them.

Focusing on children can bring out patience, acceptance and flexibility, even in distressed couples. Because they have no choice, partners need to address parenting issues now, rather than when they are apart. And, when they are still living together, there seems to be less room for parental alienation, as it is in both their interests to make sure children are adjusting well. Children, on their part, may have the opportunity to go to either parent with any question they might have or for support. Though there may still be attempts by each partner to be” the better parent” of the two, there may also be a stronger need for closer collaboration and support.

When in couple counseling, couples often become more conscious of the repercussions of their decisions on children. Here the focus is on teaching couples how to become more aware of their children’s reactions to the current family situation. This awareness helps them reach decisions that are more fair and sensitive to the feelings and needs of all involved. This process, though challenging and difficult, facilitates the development of empathy and compassion. Partners can appreciate each other’s intent to do their best in order to protect their children from emotional harm.

Couples learn that, even at this stage in a relationship, they model to their children how to deal with life challenges and responsibilities, as ending relationships is part of life. Invested in this role, parents are helped to restrain from acting inappropriately with one another, particularly in front of their kids. Also, time together may help them find healthy ways of dealing with their relationship, rather than making precipitous decisions based on the emotions of the moment.

The most important gift to couples is that this situation allows time for reflecting and thinking about how they got to this point. If they are willing to do the necessary work, couples may begin to tease out what emotions belong to the relationship and what is triggered by events and situations outside of it. They can ally and collaborate in dealing with the external challenges that affect both of them, rather than allowing these external challenges become a wedge in the relationship.

Helping couples understand the impact of external stressors on their relationship can help shift the focus from each other to the reasons why they feel the way they do about themselves, each other, and their external environment.

In relationship counseling with couples who experience high conflict as consequence of the current economic recession, the goal often is narrower and more focused than in marital counseling. Teaching constructive communication skills and effective ways of problem solving can be far more beneficial than undertaking the enormous task of “fixing” the relationship.

It is difficult to know what will happen once partners decide to work together, even at this late stage of disconnection, but a better understanding of how partners got to this place with one another could open up options on how each couple wants to proceed. Even if couples decide that they no longer want to be together and they are clear about their decision, the process of disengagement from each other can be facilitated by increased understanding, better communication and deeper awareness of issues and dynamics. These tools will serve them well in the future, with each other and with other people.

Having time to think and reflect, rather than acting precipitously and reactively, can make the difference between a mature and healthy way for partners in intimate relationships to go their separate ways and a break up without closure.

Optimally, this time to reflect can create a place for couples to examine their emotions for each other and even be able to make a paradigm shift between seeing each other as enemies to finding areas of collaboration and re-connection.

The key here to communicate openly and harmoniously.

For most couples, owning their home has historically been a point of pride and an opportunity to live the American dream of upward mobility and independence. It is also their main investment. Add to this picture the use of “creative” mortgages that encouraged people to buy the biggest house they could afford with almost no money down, with the expectation of later rewards, when their home increased in value, and you have a perfect storm.

And a perfect storm was exactly what hit many couples who, when the real estate market collapsed, felt trapped in their own homes. A lot of couples found themselves upside down in their mortgages and unable to make their monthly payments. After months and months of surviving under very strenuous conditions, a lot of couples depleted their economic resources. In many cases one or both partners lost their jobs or had to take a pay cut. As men felt the impact of this economic catastrophe, they displaced their stress onto their primary relationships. Women, whose level of stress is directly influenced by what happens in their relationships, saw their stress level rise as well. Conflicts between partners increased, while at the same time the possibility of physically separating became less and less of an option for most couples. Living together was at times the only alternative open to them, at least until it was hoped things would get better.

It must be extremely difficult to live together when at least one spouse wants out and begin processing the loss of the relationship when the other partner is still around. The appearance of normality may make the hurt deeper and more painful. While hurt may build up in one partner, resentment may build up in the other, as she or he feels trapped, watched, controlled and often criticized by the other.

If couples do not do anything to improve their situation, they will continue to chip away at the foundations of their relationship until nothing will be left, in the process building thicker walls between them and preventing any healthy communication from taking place.

As a psychotherapist, I see both problems and potential benefits stemming from couples living together because their economic circumstances do not allow them to move apart. I suggest that these strenuous conditions may have not only negative effects, which are clear to see but also, potentially, positive ones. This is so because, while some couples may emotionally disconnect from one another in order to make their living arrangements more tolerable, others may decide to seek marriage counseling, or work on their relationship in other ways. Even for those who may feel past repairing the damage in their relationship, the need to learn to deal with one another is still an important part of ending their relationship.

When we are overwhelmed, preoccupied, scared or angry, we cannot access any feeling of love. The powerful emotions triggered by external stressors, in fact, prevent us from feeling anything else. Couples, therefore, often convince themselves that there is no love left for one another, and thus see their relationships as being over.

In the next post we will discuss how to become more aware of ALL our feelings, so we can make better decisions about how to act.

In a 2005 paper on “The Effects of Economic Pressure on Marital Conflict in Romania” (Journal of Family Psychology, 2005, Vol. 19. No 2, 246-251), for instance, M. Robila and A. Krishnakumar studied this correlation in post-communist Romania. Here the political changes in the process of transition from communism to capitalism created severe economic difficulties for families. Many Romanian couples were not adequately prepared for such transition that brought with it severe challenges and new problems, which they did not know how to handle.

Robila and Krishnakumar’s conclusions are that high levels of marital conflict presented aspects similar to those of their counterparts in the U.S. and other parts of the world, when exposed to comparable economic stressors.

Couples throughout the world, when exposed to economic distress, show higher incidences of interpersonal conflict, depression, domestic violence and substance abuse.

Isolation is an important condition that aggravates stress in couples. When they experience economic difficulties, most couples tend to isolate from extended families and friends, because there is shame in being in their position. A tendency to cover up what is really going on eliminates opportunities for sharing one’s feelings and achieving better ways of managing them without letting them become overwhelming. When couples don’t have a support system outside of their relationship, they only have each other to rely on for support and comfort. What they need, however, may not be available to one another, because of lack of empathy for each other’s feelings and needs.

Bad economic times are frequently reflected in falling divorce rates, as indicated in studies about the great depression and economic hard times in other areas of the world. This is mainly due to the lack of financial opportunities for couples, who cannot afford to split up. Gregory Rodriguez, in an article titled “Divorce and Hard Times” (the Los Angeles Times, July 13, 2009), predicts an increased rate of divorces as soon as this recession will be over.

Is what’s happening in the US today similar to what happened to couples during the Great Depression and what happened to Romanian couples as their country transitioned from communism to capitalism?

In the following posts we will discuss some unique challenges US couples face today ad explore way of providing help and open new options to them.

Let me explain why intimate relationships can become casualties during hard economic times. One defense mechanism most of us use at one time or another is displacement, an unconscious process by which we shift emotions from one area to another. Typically we shift from one area where we have no or little control to another where we think we have more control. This process helps us manage stress by compensating and balancing things out. We make use of this unconscious process when we have to deal with situations that are particularly stressful and painful to endure.

A perfect example of displacement is what happens when we get reprimanded by our boss at work. We have no control over his or her behavior, and we cannot truly express how we feel about this situation. So, when we come home, we may become intolerant with the dog, impatient with our children, or irritable with our mate. The emotions we feel and express at home have been displaced from the work situation onto our loved ones. As displacement is a completely unconscious mechanism, this occurs without us being aware of what we are doing. We believe the real causes of our irritation or disaffection are indeed our dog, our children or our mate.

Displacement creates a means of expressing our emotions in “safe” ways, while distracting us from what is really upsetting and compensating for it. Arguments, misunderstandings, and disappointments with our loved ones are likely to develop and not get resolved. Frustrations and resentments lead to fights and eventually to emotional disconnection. Thoughts of separation and divorce are more common at times of chronic or sudden severe stress. Yet often we don’t make the connection between our feelings and what causes them. Instead, we feel our desire to leave our mate is warranted. We reinforce these views by dredging up anything and everything negative we can think about her or him. This reinforces our current position and, in our eyes, justifies it.

Of course, this does not mean that every time couples think of splitting up it is because of displacement. However, displacement may account for the increased rates of conflict in intimate relationships during times of severe stress.

What are the external factors that are contributing to increased rates of interpersonal conflicts for couples? Some of them are traditionally associated with challenging economic times in general; some are unique to this recession. In the following three blogs I will examine these factors and discuss them.

If you are personally experiencing challenges in your primary intimate relationship, we would like to hear your thoughts. Or, if you have an opinion on this subject even though you are not directly affected by the current economic problems, please share it with us.

Karen Peterson and I have been friends for a long time. She has been a great supporter of mine throughout the long journey of writing the book “Couples at the Crossroads.” She has been there when I had doubts; when I was exhausted and wanted to drop everything; when I was scared and when I was confused about how to proceed.

Karen is a psychologist and published author. One of her books is called “Write” and it received an endorsement by Kurt Vonnegut, her “most favorite author in the whole world.” She knows the process of writing can be challenging and humbling, with ups and downs and moments of sheer exhilaration alternating with moments of sheer terror! Karen became my secure base, the person I could go to whenever I wanted to share something important, good or bad, about the book.

So today we had lunch to catch up as we regularly do and also because I wanted to show her the book proof. Tears came to her eyes as she held the book in her hands and leafed through it while repeating, “I knew you could do it. I knew you could do it.”

I asked her if she would read it, and she was elated that I asked her. “It will be done this weekend (mind you, the day in which we met was Saturday for lunch!) and I will give it back to you with my comments.”

As I am writing this blog, I am reminded of the saying “It takes a village …”

Karen is part of “my village” and an important part at that!