I hear this question quite often in my work. Couples are upset, confused, sad and disappointed that those loving feelings for each other seem to have vanished in thin air. They miss the butterfly-in-the-stomach reactions they used to have whenever they were in each other’s presence; the obsessive thinking about the relationship, and the wonderful feelings of being deeply connected to each other, of being understood, loved, appreciated, cherished.

Often couples cannot pinpoint a specific event or situation that might have contributed to this loss. They try to figure out what happened, but they cannot come up with anything that explains why they are presently feeling the way they do, how they got to this point and how to recover what they had together.

Losing the in-love feelings is a process that occurs in all romantic relationships, as these feelings are just the initial glue that gets people attracted to one another, the early motivation that energizes and motivates them to be together and enjoy each other’s company. These feelings, however, cannot last indefinitively, as the relationship shifts from the initial infatuation to a longer lasting companionship based on mutual respect, appreciation and feeling secure with one another.

As couples settle from the initial passion to a steadier pace of life together, a feeling of attachment takes the place of the initial in-love feelings for each other.

In-love feelings are fueled by the new, the different and the exotic in a situation that is felt to be unpredictable and surprising.  Attachment, on the other hand, is based on routines that foster familiarity and, in turn, emotional safety between partners.  At the beginning of a love relationship, there is a lot of newness, with unexpected, unpredictable, and exciting scenarios unfolding. As the relationship continues, more predictability, regularity, and consistency develop between partners. The first experience can be highly exciting, yet unsettling; the other predictable and safe but potentially boring.

Having said this, however, I don’t mean to imply that, as romantic relationships become more permanent, the in-love feelings of the beginning disappear forever. It just means that couples need to work at creating situations that are likely to evoke these feelings again by re-introducing excitement, unpredictability, and a break with routines. A special evening together, time set aside for each other,   fun and pleasurable activities, unexpected gestures toward one another are what longer term relationships need to get revitalized and rejuvenated.

So, surprise your partner with a different plan this evening. Take time to think about what he or she would like. Create a romantic environment that can remind you two of the earlier times of your love forgetting, for a moment, all the responsibilities that bog you and your partner down, and keep your minds focused on just the two of you.

When you take time out for yourself and your partner, you feed your relationship, infusing it with new experiences that come from being in the moment, just like the two of you used to be at the beginning of your love.

As a psychotherapist working with couples, I agree that the pressures of a fast life and hectic days (and nights) can contribute to the reduction in the frequency and quality of sex  in couples who live together, whether married or not.

But is it only the fact that both partners work that reduces the frequency of sex in couples?

I believe this is a very complex situation that is not created uniquely by one factor, but a series of them. Possibly the most important one has to do with the nature and change in desire throughout the life of a romantic relationship. A the beginning, sexual attraction and desire for one another are very strong, as two partners get to know each other and testosterone levels are high for both men and women. As the couple settles in a routine and partners become more familiar with one another, attachment develops, while desire decreases. There is a paradox here that all couples have to negotiate, as attachment comes with what feels safe and familiar, and sexual desire with the new and exotic. It is thus a tight balance that needs to be maintained.

Having said this, however, the changes in sexual activities we see today with some couples, particularly those with young children, seem to be more drastic than the progressive waning of desire that comes with familiarity and growing attachment for one another.

Today most couples complain of being chronically tired. They are exhausted by the fast pace of their lives. They often complain of not having any time for themselves – or for each other. They feel they need to be good parents; they need to be good employees; they often have to drive long distances from work to home or to their children’s activities and sports events. At times they have to commute, being with the family only for a very short time each week. A lot of them don’t have extended families that help them with child care and other activities. No wonder they don’t think about sex! This may be the last thing on their minds, or the thing they are willing to give up because, on their list of priorities, it is not at the very top.

I would also add that it is not only sex that has disappeared, but time together, regular date nights, times of sitting down together and discuss the day, check with one another, hold hands, give each other a back rub or foot massage, enjoy each other’s company. When all this goes, it becomes more difficult to engage in sex, as couples feel disconnected and emotionally unengaged and cannot easily switch on at will. Or, one partner wants to do it, but the other doesn’t. This leads to tension, feelings of rejection, anxieties and fears, and all this keeps partners further apart from each other

The relationship with our partners, like all relationships, needs to be nurtured and attended to. When we push it on the back burner and leave it there, it will wilt and eventually die. So, we need to make it a priority, investing time, energy and interest in order to keep it exciting and vibrant. Can you think now of a kind way of letting your partner know how important he or she is in your life?

More recently, online affairs have become as popular as office affairs, as virtual proximity and accessibility substitutes for physical proximity and daily interactions. We have already discussed the characteristics of online affairs, so here we focus on real time infidelity.

An office co-worker can become attractive for different reasons. These reasons can occur concurrently or individually. The following are some of the most common:

• The friendly ear:

A person can become the friendly ear that listens and empathizes with one’s stories of dissatisfactions and unhappiness. He or she seems to be available when needed, with unlimited patience, interest and empathy. It becomes comforting to get together and support each other. From here, the relationship can grow and morph into something more personal, more special and intimate.

• The unexpected:

At times at the beginning of an affair neither person plans to get deeply emotionally entangled with one another, but this happens gradually, almost unnoticed. Intimacy develops with increased sharing, a sense of being understood, valued and appreciated. The step from being friends to being lovers is often quite short.

• The sexual allure:

At times a person is seen as sexually attractive and alluring from the very beginning. When this person is around, there is an electricity in the room that cannot be ignored. Thoughts about that person start to creep up even when he or she is not around. Obsessive thinking and fantasizing develop, with increasing intensity and frequency. If the other person responds to this attraction, an affair develops and blooms. This relationship may evolve into a deeper one or remain exclusively sexual. If it remains strictly sexual, typically is short-lived.

• The soul mate:

Often this is the evolution of the friendly year scenario we discussed before. As the couple gets to know each other more intimately, they discover they think the same, they like the same things, they have similar goals and views of life. They seem to be on the same wavelength, so there is little need for words to communicate to one another. This relationship can become sexual, but does not have to in order to become powerfully attractive and highly emotional for both people involved.

• The attraction of youth:

For someone who is reaching middle or late middle age and sees his or her looks change, the allure of a younger person can be quite powerful. These types of relationships typically don’t last for a long time, as differences in age and being at different points in life create a wedge that later on affects the relationship, often dooming it.

• The High School sweetheart:

People look up old friends on line of see them at reunions. These are friends from a time in their lives that felt good, pregnant with possibilities and the whole future still in front of them. When people reconnect, old feelings are at times rekindled. Couples feel they already know each other quite intimately, even if they have not seen each other for over thirty years. This feeling of familiarity provides comfort and encourages trust. Often, when old High school or College sweethearts see each other again, they don’t see who they are today but who they used to be. This experience seems to occur in a time warp, catapulting the people involved to earlier and happier times. It is the wish to recapture this time and the feelings associated to it that makes these relationships bonding because they have deep roots and very intense emotions and enduring.

Is there a correlation between the levels of some brain chemicals and vulnerability to extra marital infidelity? Research in this area indicates that, while physical tendencies may be changed by our ability to think and reach logical decisions, our brain chemistry can influence our behaviors and choices. Of these chemicals, three in particular affect sexual and romantic behaviors in men and women. These are: Testosterone, Dopamine and Oxytocin.Elevated levels of these chemicals contribute to the development of lust, romantic love and attachment, all elements that play a role in intimate relationships and thus in affairs as well, separately or together.

Testosterone is a hormone associated with lust. While men tend to have higher elevations of testosterone than women, women can also be affected by this hormone’s levels. In women, lust waxes and wanes according to their menstrual cycle, typically reaching a peak during ovulation – the second week of the menstrual cycle – which is also their most fertile time (Havelick.)

Studies indicate that people with high circulating levels of testosterone tend to have more affairs and higher divorce rates than those with lower testosterone levels. And, while some people may have inherited high testosterone levels, certain situations can also elevate or lower them. For instance, single men have higher testosterone levels than married men. In married men, when marriages are in trouble, levels of testosterone raise (Booth and Dobbs), making affairs more likely to occur.

Dopamine, our most powerful stimulant, is a neurotransmitter that becomes elevated in addictions, and is also elevated when we are in love, contributing to hyper-focused attention, exhilaration, obsessive thinking and increased levels of energy (Fisher.) Research found that novelty (like in an affair) can trigger the release of dopamine and promote romantic love. Dopamine, in turn, stimulates the release of testosterone, which increases one’s sexual drive.

Oxytocin is called the “cuddle hormone’ because of the role it plays in intimacy. The role of oxytocin in affairs seems to be particularly important when we consider affairs women engage in. Women, in fact, tend to have affairs because they are looking for a soul mate, someone they feel emotionally connected to, and with whom they can share their innermost feelings (Spring.) Men, on the other hand, are more likely to look for a playmate, someone with whom they can engage in activities and pursuits they both like and enjoy, including sex.

As we can see, “Love is a symphony of feelings with many notes and chords,” as author Helen Fisher tells us in her book “Why we Love.” There are many elements – we discussed the psychological, environmental and physiological ones – that contribute to making it as exciting, attractive and irresistible as it is, at all ages and under all kinds of circumstances. But, while its elements have been the same throughout history, new technological developments have created circumstances and opportunities for the development and expression of lust and romantic love that are completely new. Internet affairs are examples of such new circumstances, providing hitherto new and fantasy rich romantic and lustful encounters for both men and women.

As we saw in the preceding blog on the psychological traits that make people more vulnerable to extra marital infidelity, it is the emotionally disconnection from their romantic partners – whether because one or both are insecurely attached, or because external circumstances weakened their emotional connection with one another – that makes some people more likely to get involved in extra marital affairs. Most cheaters (over 90% in a survey of over 4,300 people) confirm this when they state that the primary reason for cheating is emotional, not sexual (Layton-Tholl.)

When this lack of emotional connection and closeness with their mates gets married (no puns intended) to the pull of desire, as well as the excitement of the new and forbidden and the fantasy that, with another person, they can achieve the intimacy they want and need, we have a perfect storm for an affair to happen.

However, not all insecurely attached individuals develop affairs. However, insecurely attached people may tend to be more impulsive, as the sense of security in the relationship with their mate is not there to anchor them. Impulsivity facilitates the shift from thinking about doing something to actually carrying the thought out in reality. Impulsive people focus entirely on the present moment and their present needs and block out any thought about the repercussions of their decisions. Impulsivity also blocks out any thought about how a certain behavior may impact people who are going to be affected by these decisions. Of course, impulsivity does not exclusively occur in insecurely attached people, but insecure attachment creates an added vulnerability.

Some other psychological elements may increase the chances of people having extra marital affairs. In an earlier blog we discussed that people in the high drama professions are more at risk for extra marital infidelity. Psychologically, people who choose these professions tend to thrive on excitement and high drama. While their tolerance for routine is quite low as they get easily bored, they are attracted to unpredictability, exhilaration and constant stimulation. Affairs, to these people, are highly appealing and tempting because they feed their need for excitement and risk. These are also people who tend to live in the present, and don’t worry too much about the repercussions of their actions in the future. So, they don’t think about what will happen to their primary relationships as a consequence of their affairs, or to their lovers, often until it is too late. In such cases, impulsivity gets coupled with by an exaggerated sense of entitlement and being above rules that apply to everybody but not them.

This is a departure from a more traditional profile of the cheater as typically male, middle age, sex-starved, looking for excitement and adventure and needing to be made to feel young and attractive again, preferably by a much younger woman than his marital partner. Not that this profile does not exist any more, but it does neither exhaustively describe nor explain why people cheat in a society where sexual mores have become more relaxed and open, and where women are as likely as men to act out their emotional and sexual fantasies .

Other changes in patterns of affairs have to do with the way in which today people connect with one another. The increasing use of the Internet as a social network creates a whole new set of opportunities, and threats. The fact that about 35% of all divorce litigations cite internet affairs as the cause of them attests to the widespread use of the Internet for this purpose. People get in touch with one another after years of disconnection, or they anonymously connect with others in ways that create new virtual networks. About 70% of the time people spend on line is allegedly used to visit “chat rooms” or sending/receiving e-mails. The vast majority of interactions in chat rooms are of a romantic nature (Adamse & Motta, 2000.) Because all this was unheard of just a decade ago, we are just beginning to grasp its importance and its effects on intimacy and love.

One of the astonishing differences between romance and sex in cyberspace and in real time is that more than half of all men and women who engage in cyberspace romance and sex believe what they do is not adultery. I believe this contributes to lowering the threshold between thinking and wishing to have an affair on the one hand, and carrying it out on the other. This belief, in fact, by lowering one’s inhibitions and reducing guilt, increases acting out emotionally and sexually.

What happens to couples when they are forced by external circumstances to live together? How does this situation affect each partner and their children, if couples have children? I suggest that, rather than fighting their situation – which does not solve the problem anyway – couples should face what is happening to them, understand how they got to this point and explore ways of possibly reconnecting with one another, or let go of their relationship in a healthy way.

Areas of common ground in their distressed relationship can become the starting point of alliance. One such common ground is their children, if they have any. Usually, both partners want to be good parents, no matter how bad their relationship with one another is. Other areas can be extended families, friends, assets and goals couples may have been working on together and other areas that were and still are meaningful to both of them.

Focusing on children can bring out patience, acceptance and flexibility, even in distressed couples. Because they have no choice, partners need to address parenting issues now, rather than when they are apart. And, when they are still living together, there seems to be less room for parental alienation, as it is in both their interests to make sure children are adjusting well. Children, on their part, may have the opportunity to go to either parent with any question they might have or for support. Though there may still be attempts by each partner to be” the better parent” of the two, there may also be a stronger need for closer collaboration and support.

When in couple counseling, couples often become more conscious of the repercussions of their decisions on children. Here the focus is on teaching couples how to become more aware of their children’s reactions to the current family situation. This awareness helps them reach decisions that are more fair and sensitive to the feelings and needs of all involved. This process, though challenging and difficult, facilitates the development of empathy and compassion. Partners can appreciate each other’s intent to do their best in order to protect their children from emotional harm.

Couples learn that, even at this stage in a relationship, they model to their children how to deal with life challenges and responsibilities, as ending relationships is part of life. Invested in this role, parents are helped to restrain from acting inappropriately with one another, particularly in front of their kids. Also, time together may help them find healthy ways of dealing with their relationship, rather than making precipitous decisions based on the emotions of the moment.

The most important gift to couples is that this situation allows time for reflecting and thinking about how they got to this point. If they are willing to do the necessary work, couples may begin to tease out what emotions belong to the relationship and what is triggered by events and situations outside of it. They can ally and collaborate in dealing with the external challenges that affect both of them, rather than allowing these external challenges become a wedge in the relationship.

Helping couples understand the impact of external stressors on their relationship can help shift the focus from each other to the reasons why they feel the way they do about themselves, each other, and their external environment.

In relationship counseling with couples who experience high conflict as consequence of the current economic recession, the goal often is narrower and more focused than in marital counseling. Teaching constructive communication skills and effective ways of problem solving can be far more beneficial than undertaking the enormous task of “fixing” the relationship.

It is difficult to know what will happen once partners decide to work together, even at this late stage of disconnection, but a better understanding of how partners got to this place with one another could open up options on how each couple wants to proceed. Even if couples decide that they no longer want to be together and they are clear about their decision, the process of disengagement from each other can be facilitated by increased understanding, better communication and deeper awareness of issues and dynamics. These tools will serve them well in the future, with each other and with other people.

Having time to think and reflect, rather than acting precipitously and reactively, can make the difference between a mature and healthy way for partners in intimate relationships to go their separate ways and a break up without closure.

Optimally, this time to reflect can create a place for couples to examine their emotions for each other and even be able to make a paradigm shift between seeing each other as enemies to finding areas of collaboration and re-connection.

The key here to communicate openly and harmoniously.

Let me explain why intimate relationships can become casualties during hard economic times. One defense mechanism most of us use at one time or another is displacement, an unconscious process by which we shift emotions from one area to another. Typically we shift from one area where we have no or little control to another where we think we have more control. This process helps us manage stress by compensating and balancing things out. We make use of this unconscious process when we have to deal with situations that are particularly stressful and painful to endure.

A perfect example of displacement is what happens when we get reprimanded by our boss at work. We have no control over his or her behavior, and we cannot truly express how we feel about this situation. So, when we come home, we may become intolerant with the dog, impatient with our children, or irritable with our mate. The emotions we feel and express at home have been displaced from the work situation onto our loved ones. As displacement is a completely unconscious mechanism, this occurs without us being aware of what we are doing. We believe the real causes of our irritation or disaffection are indeed our dog, our children or our mate.

Displacement creates a means of expressing our emotions in “safe” ways, while distracting us from what is really upsetting and compensating for it. Arguments, misunderstandings, and disappointments with our loved ones are likely to develop and not get resolved. Frustrations and resentments lead to fights and eventually to emotional disconnection. Thoughts of separation and divorce are more common at times of chronic or sudden severe stress. Yet often we don’t make the connection between our feelings and what causes them. Instead, we feel our desire to leave our mate is warranted. We reinforce these views by dredging up anything and everything negative we can think about her or him. This reinforces our current position and, in our eyes, justifies it.

Of course, this does not mean that every time couples think of splitting up it is because of displacement. However, displacement may account for the increased rates of conflict in intimate relationships during times of severe stress.

What are the external factors that are contributing to increased rates of interpersonal conflicts for couples? Some of them are traditionally associated with challenging economic times in general; some are unique to this recession. In the following three blogs I will examine these factors and discuss them.

If you are personally experiencing challenges in your primary intimate relationship, we would like to hear your thoughts. Or, if you have an opinion on this subject even though you are not directly affected by the current economic problems, please share it with us.

Whenever we are exposed to stress – either acute, or chronic, or both – it becomes harder to maintain inner emotional balance and separate what goes on around us from what happens within us.

The closer the relationship, unfortunately, the worse the negative effects because we tend to open up and reveal our inner thoughts and feelings in situations where we feel safewithout being afraid of reprisals. This is in most cases with our mates. Thus, they run the risk of becoming the punching bags that allow us to let steam out. We TRULY believe we are angry at them, without realizing, in most cases, that we are displacing our feelings from one situation to another.

In intimate relationships, under normal conditions, each partner is the caregiver and the care receiver in turn, according to what’s needed. Very seldom both partners are in the same emotional space, so when one is down, the other can be available for support, encouragement, empathy, soothing and this makes all the difference. However, when the stress affects both, like in any of the situations described above, each person feels the need to reach out to each other at the same time, but neither is available to provide what’s needed. So the system that works under ordinary circumstances ceases to provide the help needed under extraordinary ones.

What is there to do in such cases?

Couples need to:

• Remind themselves and each other that the problems they are facing are not between them. Both of them are affected by the problems, so if they ally and remind each other they are a team, they will build more strength and will be able to cope with the problems in a more effective way.
• Provide positive feedback and affirmation to each other for all the positive and strong elements in their relationship.
• Strategize on how to cope, both jointly and separately, with the external stressors in their lives, shifting focus from the two of them to the problems.
• Make a commitment to regularly take time out together to reconnect, relax, have fun and play and not talk about the problems that are causing stress.
• Provide consistent feedback to each other about how each is handling the stressful situation.

They ran together every day, early in the morning, following the same route. Their pace seemed to be synchronized, as they ran side by side, at times conversing with one another, at times quiet.

I noticed that, through the years, things with them began to change, slightly at first, then more noticeably. She began to use an iPod, so conversation was no longer an option. She also began to lengthen her step or perhaps increased her speed. I never figured out what happened, but she started to run ahead and he was behind. At first I thought it may be for security, as they were running on a busy road, but then again they never did it before, so why now?

I was then in the process of writing the book “Couples at the Crossroads” and wondered if this is what was happening to this couple as well. Were they getting to the crossroads in their relationship? Or was I just seeing crossroads everywhere because this is what I was working on?

I didn’t want to rush any interpretation solely based on the changes I noticed on how they ran together, or no longer together, as was now the case. So I kept watching them.

As time went by, I noticed that the distance between her and him grew wider. She was still smiling when she passed me and seemed full of energy, while he looked gloomier and gloomier. He didn’t even say hi any longer when we passed each other. He seemed to be lagging further and further behind her and she no longer seemed to care whether he was there or not. There was no doubt about that. I decided this wasn’t my imagination. At times, she was almost a quarter of a mile ahead of him.

Then I didn’t see them for months. I wondered what had happened to them. They had stopped running. Was this a reflection of a much bigger issue?

It was. It was confirmed when somebody told me they got divorced and she moved out of town.

A few months later he began to run again, this time alone. Actually he wasn’t even running any longer. He would walk for a while, then break into a short run and then walk again. His head was down. He no longer looked at anybody when he passed people but looked at the road as though he was intently looking for a lost penny he could never find. He was looking for something that was gone.

It became clear to me now that their running together – and separately – was a microcosm of the gradual disconnection that had been developing between them, a reflection of a bigger disconnection in their relationship. I wonder if they were even conscious of how their emotional disconnection reverberated in many other areas of their lives.

And, I kept asking myself, would I have noticed, had I not been writing a book on couples at the crossroads?