I hear this question quite often in my work. Couples are upset, confused, sad and disappointed that those loving feelings for each other seem to have vanished in thin air. They miss the butterfly-in-the-stomach reactions they used to have whenever they were in each other’s presence; the obsessive thinking about the relationship, and the wonderful feelings of being deeply connected to each other, of being understood, loved, appreciated, cherished.

Often couples cannot pinpoint a specific event or situation that might have contributed to this loss. They try to figure out what happened, but they cannot come up with anything that explains why they are presently feeling the way they do, how they got to this point and how to recover what they had together.

Losing the in-love feelings is a process that occurs in all romantic relationships, as these feelings are just the initial glue that gets people attracted to one another, the early motivation that energizes and motivates them to be together and enjoy each other’s company. These feelings, however, cannot last indefinitively, as the relationship shifts from the initial infatuation to a longer lasting companionship based on mutual respect, appreciation and feeling secure with one another.

As couples settle from the initial passion to a steadier pace of life together, a feeling of attachment takes the place of the initial in-love feelings for each other.

In-love feelings are fueled by the new, the different and the exotic in a situation that is felt to be unpredictable and surprising.  Attachment, on the other hand, is based on routines that foster familiarity and, in turn, emotional safety between partners.  At the beginning of a love relationship, there is a lot of newness, with unexpected, unpredictable, and exciting scenarios unfolding. As the relationship continues, more predictability, regularity, and consistency develop between partners. The first experience can be highly exciting, yet unsettling; the other predictable and safe but potentially boring.

Having said this, however, I don’t mean to imply that, as romantic relationships become more permanent, the in-love feelings of the beginning disappear forever. It just means that couples need to work at creating situations that are likely to evoke these feelings again by re-introducing excitement, unpredictability, and a break with routines. A special evening together, time set aside for each other,   fun and pleasurable activities, unexpected gestures toward one another are what longer term relationships need to get revitalized and rejuvenated.

So, surprise your partner with a different plan this evening. Take time to think about what he or she would like. Create a romantic environment that can remind you two of the earlier times of your love forgetting, for a moment, all the responsibilities that bog you and your partner down, and keep your minds focused on just the two of you.

When you take time out for yourself and your partner, you feed your relationship, infusing it with new experiences that come from being in the moment, just like the two of you used to be at the beginning of your love.

As a psychotherapist working with couples, I agree that the pressures of a fast life and hectic days (and nights) can contribute to the reduction in the frequency and quality of sex  in couples who live together, whether married or not.

But is it only the fact that both partners work that reduces the frequency of sex in couples?

I believe this is a very complex situation that is not created uniquely by one factor, but a series of them. Possibly the most important one has to do with the nature and change in desire throughout the life of a romantic relationship. A the beginning, sexual attraction and desire for one another are very strong, as two partners get to know each other and testosterone levels are high for both men and women. As the couple settles in a routine and partners become more familiar with one another, attachment develops, while desire decreases. There is a paradox here that all couples have to negotiate, as attachment comes with what feels safe and familiar, and sexual desire with the new and exotic. It is thus a tight balance that needs to be maintained.

Having said this, however, the changes in sexual activities we see today with some couples, particularly those with young children, seem to be more drastic than the progressive waning of desire that comes with familiarity and growing attachment for one another.

Today most couples complain of being chronically tired. They are exhausted by the fast pace of their lives. They often complain of not having any time for themselves – or for each other. They feel they need to be good parents; they need to be good employees; they often have to drive long distances from work to home or to their children’s activities and sports events. At times they have to commute, being with the family only for a very short time each week. A lot of them don’t have extended families that help them with child care and other activities. No wonder they don’t think about sex! This may be the last thing on their minds, or the thing they are willing to give up because, on their list of priorities, it is not at the very top.

I would also add that it is not only sex that has disappeared, but time together, regular date nights, times of sitting down together and discuss the day, check with one another, hold hands, give each other a back rub or foot massage, enjoy each other’s company. When all this goes, it becomes more difficult to engage in sex, as couples feel disconnected and emotionally unengaged and cannot easily switch on at will. Or, one partner wants to do it, but the other doesn’t. This leads to tension, feelings of rejection, anxieties and fears, and all this keeps partners further apart from each other

The relationship with our partners, like all relationships, needs to be nurtured and attended to. When we push it on the back burner and leave it there, it will wilt and eventually die. So, we need to make it a priority, investing time, energy and interest in order to keep it exciting and vibrant. Can you think now of a kind way of letting your partner know how important he or she is in your life?

What Couples Can Do To Get Back On Track

It is important to remember that in most cases affairs are symptoms of something deeper that is going on in intimate relationships, of which couples may not have been aware.  And here is where I can see the silver lining. The affair is such a shocking event in their lives that couples cannot ignore it, while in the past they may have ignored other, less obvious symptoms.

It’s like when you go to the doctor because you don’t feel well. The doctor treats the symptom, but also decides to run some blood work, maybe sends you to have an x-ray or an electrocardiogram to find out what is behind your symptoms. When the results come back, the doctor may tell you that you have high blood pressure, or high cholesterol, or high blood sugar you did not know you had. You probably wouldn’t have found out about these conditions until they got much worse. Without knowing, you wouldn’t have taken care of them with proper medications, a healthier diet and changes in your life style. So, going to the doctor, even though you went for a different reason, may have saved your life.

When an affair occurs, some partners get stuck in anger and hurt, as we said in our previous blog. If they continue to stay there without doing anything about the situation, chances are their relationship won’t survive. Some couples, however, don’t want to let go of their relationship and are willing to explore what can be done to heal the wounds. They may decide to seek professional help to guide them out of these stormy waters.

In therapy partners may find out that one of them was feeling isolated, sad, mad, disillusioned, caged in, or uncomfortable with closeness, commitment and intimacy. In therapy they may uncover events and feelings that began the distancing process between them, perhaps quite some time ago, but that they never discussed with one another, because they were not aware of them. Now they have an opportunity to get these feelings out into the open, acknowledge them and share them with one another in an environment that feels safe. And what happens?

In therapy, the cheated partner finds a place where he or she can talk about feelings of hurt, disbelief, anger, disappointment and fear. The cheater may feel relieved that he or she doesn’t have to keep secrets any longer. He or she may begin to work at understanding why the infidelity occurred. Both can examine their feelings not only about the affair, but also about their relationship in general, and together work at repairing the damages to it. This process, though grueling and painful, is a transformative experience that will make partners feel closer together. It is a life saver because it makes couples look and address deeper, often unconscious issues, just like the visit to the doctor that sounded the alarm for other, underlying medical conditions hitherto unknown to the patient.

Of course, seeking therapy for infidelity is not the only way of addressing the problem, but it is certainly one of the best tools couples have available. The therapist is the professional whom provides support and guidance to couples; helps them get in touch with their feelings and identify the root causes of their problems; teaches them new skills about healthy communication, and guides them towards acceptance, understanding and, finally, forgiveness.

At the end of therapy, couples know each other better and are ready to make a new commitment to each other, borne out of the hard work together. By going through this transformative experience, couples discover an unexpected gift: their love for each other, which they had thought was gone forever.

Do you have a story that reflects this experience? Please comment on this blog, so that we can provide hope for couples who are willing to do the work to restore their love and trust in one another and get their marriage back on the right track.

I would like to hear from you on your views. Please click on the ”comments” button below to make your view known.

We all know the evils of infidelity. In previous blogs I wrote about them, citing statistics, characteristics of who is most likely to cheat, and what can be done to address these issues.

Here I want to approach this subject from a different perspective: infidelity as an alarm system about the state of the relationship, and as an opportunity to make it stronger.

Yes, I know that about 2/3 of relationships where one or both partners cheat end in divorce. As a psychotherapist working with couples, I also know how difficult it is to stay with the pain caused by infidelity and work thorough it. I am keenly aware of how hard it is to forgive and move on. However, in my long career of counseling couples I have seen some of them get stronger and closer to one another after infidelity was uncovered.

So, what makes the difference between couples who survive infidelity and couples who don’t?

There are several factors, in my opinion, that contribute to the difference. Some of them are:

1. The cheater admits to his or her behaviors, rather than being found out;
2. The infidelity is an isolated event, rather than part of a pattern;
3. The infidelity was short lived and did not involve deep feelings on the part of the cheater;
4. Couples used to have good communication and felt close to one another earlier in their relationship, even though at some point they lost closeness;
5. Couples live in a social/religious environment where cheating is strongly looked down upon, and where there are less opportunities to get away with it;
6. Couples have a strong feeling of what is right and wrong;
7. The cheater has the ability to feel empathy for the partner and remorse for the cheating, and the other partner has the ability to forgive.

When these elements are in place, couples have a much better prognosis of surviving infidelity.

After an affair is uncovered, couples respond to it in different ways. All feel an array of intense emotions, like confusion, anger, rage, hurt, fear and disappointment. Some of them, however, are eventually able to get past them and move on. Others stay stuck in a cycle where the cheated partner continues to feel pain and anguish caused by the betrayal, and the cheater maintains a defensive stance and an unwillingness to talk about what happened. When this is the case,  progress is extremely difficult to achieve.

The truth is, very often couples don’t know what to do to address their problems in a healthy way and reduce the pain and hurt they feel. One common approach is to say to each other, “Let’s start again. Let’s forget the past. What happened happened and we cannot change it, so why think about it?”

Well, this approach never works, as avoidance is not a solution to any problem, including infidelity. The simple reason for this is that we cannot forget something so traumatic, so unexpected and still unresolved.

Cheated partners have questions without answers and feel emotions they cannot express. Because security and trust in each other are gone, they cannot process thoughts and feelings with their partners, who used to be their source of comfort and support and now are the cause of their suffering. Without being able to processing their feelings, partners cannot re-establish trust and security in their relationship, thus maintaining a vicious cycle of attacks and defensiveness that cannot be broken.

In order to break this vicious cycle, feelings and the events that caused them need to be addressed together, at the risk of putting the finger on the wound that is still bleeding. Facing the issues rather than avoiding them is actually the way in which the wounds can be healed.

In the next blog post I will talk about what successful couples can do to get their relationship back on track.

More recently, online affairs have become as popular as office affairs, as virtual proximity and accessibility substitutes for physical proximity and daily interactions. We have already discussed the characteristics of online affairs, so here we focus on real time infidelity.

An office co-worker can become attractive for different reasons. These reasons can occur concurrently or individually. The following are some of the most common:

• The friendly ear:

A person can become the friendly ear that listens and empathizes with one’s stories of dissatisfactions and unhappiness. He or she seems to be available when needed, with unlimited patience, interest and empathy. It becomes comforting to get together and support each other. From here, the relationship can grow and morph into something more personal, more special and intimate.

• The unexpected:

At times at the beginning of an affair neither person plans to get deeply emotionally entangled with one another, but this happens gradually, almost unnoticed. Intimacy develops with increased sharing, a sense of being understood, valued and appreciated. The step from being friends to being lovers is often quite short.

• The sexual allure:

At times a person is seen as sexually attractive and alluring from the very beginning. When this person is around, there is an electricity in the room that cannot be ignored. Thoughts about that person start to creep up even when he or she is not around. Obsessive thinking and fantasizing develop, with increasing intensity and frequency. If the other person responds to this attraction, an affair develops and blooms. This relationship may evolve into a deeper one or remain exclusively sexual. If it remains strictly sexual, typically is short-lived.

• The soul mate:

Often this is the evolution of the friendly year scenario we discussed before. As the couple gets to know each other more intimately, they discover they think the same, they like the same things, they have similar goals and views of life. They seem to be on the same wavelength, so there is little need for words to communicate to one another. This relationship can become sexual, but does not have to in order to become powerfully attractive and highly emotional for both people involved.

• The attraction of youth:

For someone who is reaching middle or late middle age and sees his or her looks change, the allure of a younger person can be quite powerful. These types of relationships typically don’t last for a long time, as differences in age and being at different points in life create a wedge that later on affects the relationship, often dooming it.

• The High School sweetheart:

People look up old friends on line of see them at reunions. These are friends from a time in their lives that felt good, pregnant with possibilities and the whole future still in front of them. When people reconnect, old feelings are at times rekindled. Couples feel they already know each other quite intimately, even if they have not seen each other for over thirty years. This feeling of familiarity provides comfort and encourages trust. Often, when old High school or College sweethearts see each other again, they don’t see who they are today but who they used to be. This experience seems to occur in a time warp, catapulting the people involved to earlier and happier times. It is the wish to recapture this time and the feelings associated to it that makes these relationships bonding because they have deep roots and very intense emotions and enduring.

Is there a correlation between the levels of some brain chemicals and vulnerability to extra marital infidelity? Research in this area indicates that, while physical tendencies may be changed by our ability to think and reach logical decisions, our brain chemistry can influence our behaviors and choices. Of these chemicals, three in particular affect sexual and romantic behaviors in men and women. These are: Testosterone, Dopamine and Oxytocin.Elevated levels of these chemicals contribute to the development of lust, romantic love and attachment, all elements that play a role in intimate relationships and thus in affairs as well, separately or together.

Testosterone is a hormone associated with lust. While men tend to have higher elevations of testosterone than women, women can also be affected by this hormone’s levels. In women, lust waxes and wanes according to their menstrual cycle, typically reaching a peak during ovulation – the second week of the menstrual cycle – which is also their most fertile time (Havelick.)

Studies indicate that people with high circulating levels of testosterone tend to have more affairs and higher divorce rates than those with lower testosterone levels. And, while some people may have inherited high testosterone levels, certain situations can also elevate or lower them. For instance, single men have higher testosterone levels than married men. In married men, when marriages are in trouble, levels of testosterone raise (Booth and Dobbs), making affairs more likely to occur.

Dopamine, our most powerful stimulant, is a neurotransmitter that becomes elevated in addictions, and is also elevated when we are in love, contributing to hyper-focused attention, exhilaration, obsessive thinking and increased levels of energy (Fisher.) Research found that novelty (like in an affair) can trigger the release of dopamine and promote romantic love. Dopamine, in turn, stimulates the release of testosterone, which increases one’s sexual drive.

Oxytocin is called the “cuddle hormone’ because of the role it plays in intimacy. The role of oxytocin in affairs seems to be particularly important when we consider affairs women engage in. Women, in fact, tend to have affairs because they are looking for a soul mate, someone they feel emotionally connected to, and with whom they can share their innermost feelings (Spring.) Men, on the other hand, are more likely to look for a playmate, someone with whom they can engage in activities and pursuits they both like and enjoy, including sex.

As we can see, “Love is a symphony of feelings with many notes and chords,” as author Helen Fisher tells us in her book “Why we Love.” There are many elements – we discussed the psychological, environmental and physiological ones – that contribute to making it as exciting, attractive and irresistible as it is, at all ages and under all kinds of circumstances. But, while its elements have been the same throughout history, new technological developments have created circumstances and opportunities for the development and expression of lust and romantic love that are completely new. Internet affairs are examples of such new circumstances, providing hitherto new and fantasy rich romantic and lustful encounters for both men and women.

As we saw in the preceding blog on the psychological traits that make people more vulnerable to extra marital infidelity, it is the emotionally disconnection from their romantic partners – whether because one or both are insecurely attached, or because external circumstances weakened their emotional connection with one another – that makes some people more likely to get involved in extra marital affairs. Most cheaters (over 90% in a survey of over 4,300 people) confirm this when they state that the primary reason for cheating is emotional, not sexual (Layton-Tholl.)

When this lack of emotional connection and closeness with their mates gets married (no puns intended) to the pull of desire, as well as the excitement of the new and forbidden and the fantasy that, with another person, they can achieve the intimacy they want and need, we have a perfect storm for an affair to happen.

However, not all insecurely attached individuals develop affairs. However, insecurely attached people may tend to be more impulsive, as the sense of security in the relationship with their mate is not there to anchor them. Impulsivity facilitates the shift from thinking about doing something to actually carrying the thought out in reality. Impulsive people focus entirely on the present moment and their present needs and block out any thought about the repercussions of their decisions. Impulsivity also blocks out any thought about how a certain behavior may impact people who are going to be affected by these decisions. Of course, impulsivity does not exclusively occur in insecurely attached people, but insecure attachment creates an added vulnerability.

Some other psychological elements may increase the chances of people having extra marital affairs. In an earlier blog we discussed that people in the high drama professions are more at risk for extra marital infidelity. Psychologically, people who choose these professions tend to thrive on excitement and high drama. While their tolerance for routine is quite low as they get easily bored, they are attracted to unpredictability, exhilaration and constant stimulation. Affairs, to these people, are highly appealing and tempting because they feed their need for excitement and risk. These are also people who tend to live in the present, and don’t worry too much about the repercussions of their actions in the future. So, they don’t think about what will happen to their primary relationships as a consequence of their affairs, or to their lovers, often until it is too late. In such cases, impulsivity gets coupled with by an exaggerated sense of entitlement and being above rules that apply to everybody but not them.

Here is what can make your holidays fun and provide good memories for everybody:

• Blend old and new traditions. You need to create a balancing act between old traditions that you, your partner or the children don’t want to give up and new ones that reinforce the notion that this is a new beginning for all of you.

• Don’t pass judgments about old traditions or other parents, as tempted as you might be. Kids get very attached to their traditions and get hurt very deeply by criticisms.

• Involve the children in creating new traditions. This counterbalances the lack of control most children feel when their families break up. Involving them in creating new traditions gives the feeling of being included and having more control.

• Don’t take children’s reactions personally:  they are dealing with losses. They may experience painful memories, feelings of sadness, resentment, disappointment, anger, and more. So, make room for these feelings to be acknowledged and teach children how to express them appropriately. Remind yourself these feelings are not directed at you.

• Put kids first, being sensitive to their feelings and the difficulties they may be facing.

• Don’t over schedule. If you try to do too much, everybody will be exhausted and nobody will enjoy anything.

• Spin it. Be positive. This is not a time to mention the word “divorce.” Instead, remind the children that they have two houses now and thus they will have double of everything.

• Set realistic expectations, for yourself as well as for everybody else in your household.

• Rise above hostilities and bad feelings. Bite your tongue when you want to say something negative about one person or another. Remind yourself this is a time of good will and happy thoughts.

• Be inclusive. Even though it is not your personal preference, you may want to include the kids’ other parent or other members of the extended family for some event or activities where the kids are involved. Remember, children want everybody to get along, because this creates fewer conflicts for them. Teach by example.

• Strive for equity: treat your biological children and your step-children the same way. Give them the same amount of attention. Share the same activities. Buy the same number of gifts and make sure they are of similar value. Children take note of everything, and it is easy to feel ignored.

• Expect challenges and difficult times, no matter how well you planned, especially at times of transition, such as schedules of who is with whom and when.

• Take care of your needs too! You cannot be there for others unless you are sensitive to your needs and feelings.

• Rely on your partner’s support. Don’t try to do everything alone!

Happy Holidays!

Enjoying the Holidays after a Breakup: MyFoxPHOENIX.com

This is a departure from a more traditional profile of the cheater as typically male, middle age, sex-starved, looking for excitement and adventure and needing to be made to feel young and attractive again, preferably by a much younger woman than his marital partner. Not that this profile does not exist any more, but it does neither exhaustively describe nor explain why people cheat in a society where sexual mores have become more relaxed and open, and where women are as likely as men to act out their emotional and sexual fantasies .

Other changes in patterns of affairs have to do with the way in which today people connect with one another. The increasing use of the Internet as a social network creates a whole new set of opportunities, and threats. The fact that about 35% of all divorce litigations cite internet affairs as the cause of them attests to the widespread use of the Internet for this purpose. People get in touch with one another after years of disconnection, or they anonymously connect with others in ways that create new virtual networks. About 70% of the time people spend on line is allegedly used to visit “chat rooms” or sending/receiving e-mails. The vast majority of interactions in chat rooms are of a romantic nature (Adamse & Motta, 2000.) Because all this was unheard of just a decade ago, we are just beginning to grasp its importance and its effects on intimacy and love.

One of the astonishing differences between romance and sex in cyberspace and in real time is that more than half of all men and women who engage in cyberspace romance and sex believe what they do is not adultery. I believe this contributes to lowering the threshold between thinking and wishing to have an affair on the one hand, and carrying it out on the other. This belief, in fact, by lowering one’s inhibitions and reducing guilt, increases acting out emotionally and sexually.