If you want your love relationship to be and stay healthy, you need to work at it, just like you work at being a good parent to your kids, or a good employee, a good son or daughter, or a good housekeeper. So, please stop the treadmill you are on and shift focus by asking yourself: “What does my relationship need RIGHT NOW?”

If you are discouraged and feel you are the only one feeling this way, it helps to consider the strong possibility that you and your partner may feel exactly the same about your relationship and each other, each waiting for the other to respond in a sensitive and considerate way, and each feeling disappointed when this doesn’t happen.

So, here are a few tips on what you can do to start turning things around between the two of you:

1. Be the one to take the first step. Remember that, if you reach out to your partner, he or she will be more likely to respond in kind than if you wait for your partner to make the first move, which may never come.
2. Initiate a dialogue with one another. Do not argue because this is not a matter of who is right or who is wrong. Of course, each of you is convinced you are right and your partner is wrong. Instead, listen to one another and work at incorporating your individual inputs, rather than belittling, criticizing or dismissing them.
3. Set a goal. What do you want to achieve? By when? Again, don’t push your agenda, but work at negotiating a middle ground with your life partner.
4. Make a plan. How are you going to achieve your goal? Who is going to do what? Each of you should share what you are willing to do, rather than focusing on what your partner is NOT doing.
5. Make a commitment to your goal(s) and plan(s). Now that you have a plan and clear goals, make a commitment to them. This will strengthen you resolve and foster a feeling of being in this TOGETHER, as both of you want to make things better.
6. Create an alliance with your partner. Talk to him or her about how you can help each other and improve the health of your relationship by addressing common needs and, together, strategize on how to meet them.

Begin to think about implementing some of these suggestions and keep track of the results.

In the next blog, I will provide more tips to make your love relationship healthier and stronger.

Why, you may ask? Because, after the frenetic activities of the holidays, the lack of partners’ focus on each other, and the tendency to put each other on the back burner due to other activities going on, intimate relationships in January tend to feel depleted and partners may question their bond and their feelings for one another. Love relationships suffer at this time because the holidays may have brought a lot of excitement and newness with travelling; celebrating with friends and family, gift giving and holiday cheers, and now all this is gone. So, if you and your partner feel down, facing the relational doldrums of everyday life with little excitement and not much to look forward to, you are not alone

It is easy to displace frustrations and lack of enjoyment from the loss of sensational and extraordinary activities in our lives to lack of excitement in our primary relationship. While you may feel disappointed about what’s gone, however, you need to turn the situation around by creating renewed freshness and enthusiasm about each other again.

It is quite possible that you may want you partner to be emotionally and physically available to you, with a positive, caring and responsive attitude and a willingness to respond to your demands and needs, but perhaps your partner wants and needs the same from you and neither of you is getting what you want and need. Typically, when this happens each partner will do one of two things: he or she will either become louder in asking for what’s needed, or shut down and disconnect. Though understandable, it goes without saying that neither of these reactions produces healthy results, because neither provides what one partner is looking for from the other.

So, make sure you devote the time, attention and care to your loved one by setting up New Year’s resolutions for your relationship. By the way, had you ever heard of New Year’s Resolutions for couples? If not, you are not the only one, as most of people’s New Year’s resolutions tend to be about individual goals – losing those extra pounds; plan to exercise more and more regularly; take care of what you have been ignoring or procrastinating; create more balance in your life, and so on – but what about setting up a New Year’s resolution about your relationship with your life partner? Being in a healthy intimate relationship is a very foundational part of being happy. So, taking care of what’s going on with your partner is a very important task.

Think about your own love relationship and see if you can see where more attention and care are needed at this time. Write a list of things you are willing to do in areas where you would like to see improvement, and begin to be more aware of what you may be doing to contribute to the current situation – you being part of the problem – as well as to improve it – you being part of the solution.

In the next blog I will list some specific ways in which you can begin to feed your relationship and get it out of the current sad state it is in and into a more exciting and healthy one. So, stay tuned!

Susan and I worked like two little ants for months and months to get our book, “Couples at the Crossroads. Five Steps to Finding Your Way Back to Love” ready for you. Then, when we finally thought it was ready, we “snuck” it in and, voila, here it is, on Amazon.com.

How do we feel about it? Almost like we had to let go of a dear friend who had been with us for years. We knew all along that one day we would have to let go of this friend; that we would have to push our feelings of wanting to be together forever aside and support his move toward independence, but it was difficult nonetheless to say goodbye. With letting go of the book, it was difficult to stop our tendency to make one more revision, one more comment, one little correction here or there, one more clarification; one more idea… Once the book was finished, we knew we had to let go, and we finally did.

It also feels a little scary, as you and everybody else can now buy our book, read it and make comments on what we said, how we said it; what we left out and what we said more than once.

But, above all, we feel excited and very, very happy. We truly believe our book can provide help for couples like you who struggle in their relationships and are desperate to understand how they got where they are; how they can find a clear path to follow and acquire the necessary tools to move out of the pain. We know the book will be helpful to you because it contains a lot of the same things we speak of in our clinical sessions with couples. And we see how these couples, slowly but surely, begin to move from their place of pain to a place of gradual openness, as they become more hopeful. We see them when they begin to look at each other with different eyes; reverse the previous patterns of mutual hostility and disconnection, and find love for one another again.

What do you think? Interested? Do you want to check our book out? Click on the link below and the book will open in a new window or tab. Just open the first page and scroll through its Table of Contents, Preface and Introduction. This brief preview will make you want to know more…

Couples at the Crossroads: Five Steps to Finding Your Way Back to Love – Preview

Why?

Old habits are hard to shed, no matter how much you try to motivate yourself by convincing, cajoling and blackmailing. Our brain tends to repeat what’s familiar and comfortable, even if dysfunctional, so new habits are difficult to stick to, particularly if we don’t pay all the attention required to keep them in the forefront of our minds. And when I say we need to pay attention, I mean paying CONSTANT attention, at least at the beginning, until these habits get established and become like second nature. So, you can’t do one thing and think about the next one, for instance, because this would mean that one thing will get done automatically, while your mind is engaged in something else. So, whatever you chose to do, you need to be mindful of what you are doing at the moment, and focus on it at the exclusion of everything else until you are done.

Remember one thing: the more you try, the more you will increase your chances to succeed. And, even if you don’t succeed as much and for as long as you would like, you will still be ahead than if you had done nothing, so acknowledge that to yourself and try again.

Before getting started, it is important to take inventory of your assets and liabilities by looking at your history: how successful have you been in the past when you set goals for yourself? What seemed to increase your chances of succeeding, and what held you back? What happened that made you lose your initial motivation? Was it something in particular that got you discouraged, like achieving your goal was taking longer and was more difficult than you had anticipated, or you became distracted along the way by some external stressor that took precedence and sidetracked you?

Write down as much as you remember from previous experiences where you failed, or were only partially successful. Then, using that information, set out to create new goals fro yourself, by using past experiences as a benchmark for your current goals. So, for instance, if you were more successful in staying fit when you went to the gym in the morning prior to going to work, rather than in the evening, set your schedule up that way again.

Create accountability and a reward system for yourself. Having a trainer, for instance, a person who weighs you regularly, a neighbor who walks with you daily, a partner willing to set similar goals with you, or signing up for a class increase your chances of succeeding because these joint activities make you accountable not only to yourself but to others as well. People who set up to achieve their New Year’s resolutions alone have a success rate of only 29%, versus the 59% success rate of people who do so with others. Involving others increases motivation because you may not want to lose face or let the other person down. You want to be admired and looked up to; you want to be respected and liked, or like the challenge of competition.

Keep track of your successes as you go along, as this reminds you of how much you have already achieved, creating added incentive to continue on the same path.

And now that you are ready to get started, set your goals for 2012 and go, supporting yourself along the way!

I hear this question quite often in my work. Couples are upset, confused, sad and disappointed that those loving feelings for each other seem to have vanished in thin air. They miss the butterfly-in-the-stomach reactions they used to have whenever they were in each other’s presence; the obsessive thinking about the relationship, and the wonderful feelings of being deeply connected to each other, of being understood, loved, appreciated, cherished.

Often couples cannot pinpoint a specific event or situation that might have contributed to this loss. They try to figure out what happened, but they cannot come up with anything that explains why they are presently feeling the way they do, how they got to this point and how to recover what they had together.

Losing the in-love feelings is a process that occurs in all romantic relationships, as these feelings are just the initial glue that gets people attracted to one another, the early motivation that energizes and motivates them to be together and enjoy each other’s company. These feelings, however, cannot last indefinitively, as the relationship shifts from the initial infatuation to a longer lasting companionship based on mutual respect, appreciation and feeling secure with one another.

As couples settle from the initial passion to a steadier pace of life together, a feeling of attachment takes the place of the initial in-love feelings for each other.

In-love feelings are fueled by the new, the different and the exotic in a situation that is felt to be unpredictable and surprising.  Attachment, on the other hand, is based on routines that foster familiarity and, in turn, emotional safety between partners.  At the beginning of a love relationship, there is a lot of newness, with unexpected, unpredictable, and exciting scenarios unfolding. As the relationship continues, more predictability, regularity, and consistency develop between partners. The first experience can be highly exciting, yet unsettling; the other predictable and safe but potentially boring.

Having said this, however, I don’t mean to imply that, as romantic relationships become more permanent, the in-love feelings of the beginning disappear forever. It just means that couples need to work at creating situations that are likely to evoke these feelings again by re-introducing excitement, unpredictability, and a break with routines. A special evening together, time set aside for each other,   fun and pleasurable activities, unexpected gestures toward one another are what longer term relationships need to get revitalized and rejuvenated.

So, surprise your partner with a different plan this evening. Take time to think about what he or she would like. Create a romantic environment that can remind you two of the earlier times of your love forgetting, for a moment, all the responsibilities that bog you and your partner down, and keep your minds focused on just the two of you.

When you take time out for yourself and your partner, you feed your relationship, infusing it with new experiences that come from being in the moment, just like the two of you used to be at the beginning of your love.

Why is that so?

Let’s start from the very beginning, from when we are still in the nice and warm cocoon that is our mother’s uterus. From there we can hear her voice (at birth, infants are already familiar and recognize their mother’s voice;) we can feel her hand rubbing her tummy, connecting with us, and we are affected by her feelings and moods. At birth, she is usually the first face we fix our gaze upon, once the hoopla of the actual birth process is over. And it is her face we see over and over again, day after day, or the face of the person who will mother us, whether our biological mother or not. So, we can say that, from the very beginning, our lives are social in nature. From people around us we learn to interact, to smile, to fret, to be anxious and scared, but also to be comforted, reassured and made to feel safe. We watch these people in order to learn how to be in this world and how to deal with our emotions and those of others. Our early experiences of interactions shape the way we see ourselves and people around us and, to a great extent, determines the quality of personal relationships we will develop throughout life. If we were lucky enough to have good interpersonal experiences with the people who took care of us as infants and children, we are more likely to develop trust, have a positive attitude and be open and comfortable with emotional and physical closeness. If not, we may suspicious of others and uncomfortable with intimacy, distrusting partners and keeping them at a “safe” distance.

Social connections allow us to regulate our emotions, magnifying pleasant ones and making more manageable the uncomfortable and painful ones. When we are not in a good relationship, or when we are uncomfortable with closeness and intimacy, we may use other means of regulating our emotions, such as FOOD, ALCOHOL, WORK, EXERCISE, DRUGS in compulsive ways. These become our emotional regulators. However, they create dependency, adding a new set of problems.

So, let’s open our hearts to good, healthy emotional relationships. These will improve the quality of our lives, will reduce feelings of isolation and loneliness and make us more comfortable with ours and other people’s emotions.

As a psychotherapist working with couples, I agree that the pressures of a fast life and hectic days (and nights) can contribute to the reduction in the frequency and quality of sex  in couples who live together, whether married or not.

But is it only the fact that both partners work that reduces the frequency of sex in couples?

I believe this is a very complex situation that is not created uniquely by one factor, but a series of them. Possibly the most important one has to do with the nature and change in desire throughout the life of a romantic relationship. A the beginning, sexual attraction and desire for one another are very strong, as two partners get to know each other and testosterone levels are high for both men and women. As the couple settles in a routine and partners become more familiar with one another, attachment develops, while desire decreases. There is a paradox here that all couples have to negotiate, as attachment comes with what feels safe and familiar, and sexual desire with the new and exotic. It is thus a tight balance that needs to be maintained.

Having said this, however, the changes in sexual activities we see today with some couples, particularly those with young children, seem to be more drastic than the progressive waning of desire that comes with familiarity and growing attachment for one another.

Today most couples complain of being chronically tired. They are exhausted by the fast pace of their lives. They often complain of not having any time for themselves – or for each other. They feel they need to be good parents; they need to be good employees; they often have to drive long distances from work to home or to their children’s activities and sports events. At times they have to commute, being with the family only for a very short time each week. A lot of them don’t have extended families that help them with child care and other activities. No wonder they don’t think about sex! This may be the last thing on their minds, or the thing they are willing to give up because, on their list of priorities, it is not at the very top.

I would also add that it is not only sex that has disappeared, but time together, regular date nights, times of sitting down together and discuss the day, check with one another, hold hands, give each other a back rub or foot massage, enjoy each other’s company. When all this goes, it becomes more difficult to engage in sex, as couples feel disconnected and emotionally unengaged and cannot easily switch on at will. Or, one partner wants to do it, but the other doesn’t. This leads to tension, feelings of rejection, anxieties and fears, and all this keeps partners further apart from each other

The relationship with our partners, like all relationships, needs to be nurtured and attended to. When we push it on the back burner and leave it there, it will wilt and eventually die. So, we need to make it a priority, investing time, energy and interest in order to keep it exciting and vibrant. Can you think now of a kind way of letting your partner know how important he or she is in your life?

It’s like when you go to the doctor because you don’t feel well. The doctor treats the symptom, but also decides to run some blood work, maybe sends you to have an x-ray or an electrocardiogram to find out what is behind your symptoms. When the results come back, the doctor may tell you that you have high blood pressure, or high cholesterol, or high blood sugar you did not know you had. You probably wouldn’t have found out about these conditions until they got much worse. Without knowing, you wouldn’t have taken care of them with proper medications, a healthier diet and changes in your life style. So, going to the doctor, even though you went for a different reason, may have saved your life.

When an affair occurs, some partners get stuck in anger and hurt, as we said in our previous blog. If they continue to stay there without doing anything about the situation, chances are their relationship won’t survive. Some couples, however, don’t want to let go of their relationship and are willing to explore what can be done to heal the wounds. They may decide to seek professional help to guide them out of these stormy waters.

In therapy partners may find out that one of them was feeling isolated, sad, mad, disillusioned, caged in, or uncomfortable with closeness, commitment and intimacy. In therapy they may uncover events and feelings that began the distancing process between them, perhaps quite some time ago, but that they never discussed with one another, because they were not aware of them. Now they have an opportunity to get these feelings out into the open, acknowledge them and share them with one another in an environment that feels safe. And what happens?

In therapy, the cheated partner finds a place where he or she can talk about feelings of hurt, disbelief, anger, disappointment and fear. The cheater may feel relieved that he or she doesn’t have to keep secrets any longer. He or she may begin to work at understanding why the infidelity occurred. Both can examine their feelings not only about the affair, but also about their relationship in general, and together work at repairing the damages to it. This process, though grueling and painful, is a transformative experience that will make partners feel closer together. It is a life saver because it makes couples look and address deeper, often unconscious issues, just like the visit to the doctor that sounded the alarm for other, underlying medical conditions hitherto unknown to the patient.

Of course, seeking therapy for infidelity is not the only way of addressing the problem, but it is certainly one of the best tools couples have available. The therapist is the professional whom provides support and guidance to couples; helps them get in touch with their feelings and identify the root causes of their problems; teaches them new skills about healthy communication, and guides them towards acceptance, understanding and, finally, forgiveness.

At the end of therapy, couples know each other better and are ready to make a new commitment to each other, borne out of the hard work together. By going through this transformative experience, couples discover an unexpected gift: their love for each other, which they had thought was gone forever.

Do you have a story that reflects this experience? Please comment on this blog, so that we can provide hope for couples who are willing to do the work to restore their love and trust in one another and get their marriage back on the right track.

What Couples Can Do To Get Back On Track

It is important to remember that in most cases affairs are symptoms of something deeper that is going on in intimate relationships, of which couples may not have been aware.  And here is where I can see the silver lining. The affair is such a shocking event in their lives that couples cannot ignore it, while in the past they may have ignored other, less obvious symptoms.

It’s like when you go to the doctor because you don’t feel well. The doctor treats the symptom, but also decides to run some blood work, maybe sends you to have an x-ray or an electrocardiogram to find out what is behind your symptoms. When the results come back, the doctor may tell you that you have high blood pressure, or high cholesterol, or high blood sugar you did not know you had. You probably wouldn’t have found out about these conditions until they got much worse. Without knowing, you wouldn’t have taken care of them with proper medications, a healthier diet and changes in your life style. So, going to the doctor, even though you went for a different reason, may have saved your life.

When an affair occurs, some partners get stuck in anger and hurt, as we said in our previous blog. If they continue to stay there without doing anything about the situation, chances are their relationship won’t survive. Some couples, however, don’t want to let go of their relationship and are willing to explore what can be done to heal the wounds. They may decide to seek professional help to guide them out of these stormy waters.

In therapy partners may find out that one of them was feeling isolated, sad, mad, disillusioned, caged in, or uncomfortable with closeness, commitment and intimacy. In therapy they may uncover events and feelings that began the distancing process between them, perhaps quite some time ago, but that they never discussed with one another, because they were not aware of them. Now they have an opportunity to get these feelings out into the open, acknowledge them and share them with one another in an environment that feels safe. And what happens?

In therapy, the cheated partner finds a place where he or she can talk about feelings of hurt, disbelief, anger, disappointment and fear. The cheater may feel relieved that he or she doesn’t have to keep secrets any longer. He or she may begin to work at understanding why the infidelity occurred. Both can examine their feelings not only about the affair, but also about their relationship in general, and together work at repairing the damages to it. This process, though grueling and painful, is a transformative experience that will make partners feel closer together. It is a life saver because it makes couples look and address deeper, often unconscious issues, just like the visit to the doctor that sounded the alarm for other, underlying medical conditions hitherto unknown to the patient.

Of course, seeking therapy for infidelity is not the only way of addressing the problem, but it is certainly one of the best tools couples have available. The therapist is the professional whom provides support and guidance to couples; helps them get in touch with their feelings and identify the root causes of their problems; teaches them new skills about healthy communication, and guides them towards acceptance, understanding and, finally, forgiveness.

At the end of therapy, couples know each other better and are ready to make a new commitment to each other, borne out of the hard work together. By going through this transformative experience, couples discover an unexpected gift: their love for each other, which they had thought was gone forever.

Do you have a story that reflects this experience? Please comment on this blog, so that we can provide hope for couples who are willing to do the work to restore their love and trust in one another and get their marriage back on the right track.

I would like to hear from you on your views. Please click on the ”comments” button below to make your view known.