What do you think? Do you think it is a good idea to protect against nasty divorces later on by setting a time frame for the length of a marriage? Or do you think this time limited agreement chips away at the very structure of a marriage?

Of course we all know that about 50% of marriages today end in divorce (first marriages, that is, because subsequent marriages have a higher chance still of ending in divorce.)

It is also quite true that, with the widespread use of birth control, couples can now choose when to have children and how many. This is a drastic departure from the past, when most married couples spent most of their lives together having and raising children and, sadly, seeing some of them die, due to the high infant and child mortality rates prevalent in those times.

It is also true that we live much longer than in the past and have much healthier lives, so a marriage today can easily last twice as long as the average marriage of past times.

Let me remind you that marriage was seen as a contract for most of our recorded history. It was typically arranged by the bride and groom’s parents and it was meant to provide a statement for the community in which it occurred. At times it was two powerful families who intermarried, in order to join their powers and become even more powerful. At times it was a way of cementing shaky relationships between members of the community who needed to get along; or it was a way of strengthening one’s ethnic background, or creating loyalties and alliances, and so on.

The concept of romantic love had very little to do with marriage. If couples eventually grew fond of one another and came to love one another, well, that was the icing on the cake, but not the real reason for the union.

The concept of romantic love as being the key reason for a legal union is quite recent, and is still evolving. There is now more equality between spouses. There are more expectations of openness, honesty on both sides, and better communication between spouses than in the past. In this country women yield close to as much power as men now, and they continue to get stronger. At times they are the main breadwinners, particularly during the current economic crisis, but this is a different subject about which I will write in another blog in the future. For here, suffice it to say that the traditional balance of men being in charge and women being dependent and powerless has been disappearing for the past forty years or so.

Having said all that, let’s go back to the notion of time-limited marital contracts.

While it is no wonder that couples are trying to figure out ways of avoiding disappointment and acrimonious breakups down the road, we question what does signing a time contract say about their union? And, what are the psychological implications of signing a contract with a time frame in mind?

I think to set a time for the duration of a marriage SHAKES THE VERY FOUNDATIONS OF THIS INSTITUTION. This is so, in my opinion, because a marriage is a commitment to engage with another person in a very intimate, intense and continuous way until and unless problems of such magnitude arise that make it impossible to continue to stay together.

While I don’t advocate staying together no matter what because I am quite mindful of the dysfunctional state of some relationships, I encourage newlyweds to enter this contract fully aware of the fact that staying in a healthy relationship is one of the most difficult things each of us will ever have to do. I also tell them, as statistics indicate, that the rewards, if we are successful, are immense. It is indeed difficult to go through life with someone who may be at our side at times, and at others he or she may see things quite differently than we do; someone who may want to make decisions that are antithetical to ours, and with whom at times there seems to be no way of negotiating a middle ground.

These are some of the challenges we find, and some of these challenges can break us by creating such deep rifts that cannot be repaired. However, WORKING AT A RELATIONSHIP FORCES US TO GROW UP. It makes us accept that life is not as stress-free as we would like it to be. The problems we encounter are not as superficial and easy to resolve. The commitment to marriage forces us to stay in a painful situation and attempt to resolve it, when all we want to do is to bolt out and turn our back on it. Marriage makes us face the problems, feel the hurt and the pain, rather than running away. And all of this helps us take on the challenges in front of us; stretch ourselves in order to find a solution and, when we achieve it, what a victory that is!

If we need to set a fixed time frame and plan to get out of such a commitment, on the other hand, how can we ever develop the determination and the fortitude to work as hard as we can? And, will we ever know how much we can do?

Daniela Roher, PhD

Actually, there is more than one difference, according to whether you are a student or a worker, a child, an adolescent or an adult; whether you live in a tropical area like Hawaii, whether you are in Arizona, or you happen to live in Connecticut or Washington State. The change of seasons, in fact, announces itself in different ways according to the natural surroundings of where you live and what’s going on in your life.
There are also specific meanings attached to the change of seasons according to your idiosyncratic situation and your personality – do you like this time of the year, or do you feel sadness because it marks the end of the fun and lazy days of summer? – and your particular memories associated to this time of the year. Perhaps something dramatic or sad or something very exciting happened to you at the beginning of the fall season, and fall will forever be associated to this event for you.
Aside from the idiosyncratic meaning each of us may attach to this particular time of the year, there are some general attitudes most of us share. Most of these attitudes and expectations were transmitted to us via our culture – from its microcosm, our family, to the larger society. Most of these general attitudes associate fall with a time of new beginnings and serious endeavors. In this culture, since we were children, we were told that June is the beginning of vacation and September the beginning of the new school year. So, it is time to let go of being on vacation. Whatever we did during July and august now needs to be put aside and we need to re-focus on homework, prepare new goals, plans and directions; organize new schedules and set new priorities.

All these new beginnings create a surge of energy and offer new opportunities to look forward to, leading to new growth. Psychologically, we feel a renewed sense of purpose and, as the air gets crisper and the days shorten, we feel ready to take on new challenges. New prospects open up that generate motivations to work hard in order to succeed.

Seasons are good markers of change. They give us a sense of moving forward and introducing new things while at the same time maintaining consistency and continuity, in this way providing an ongoing narrative of our activities and experiences. The transition from one season to the next makes us feel like we are growing, moving to the next step, whatever that step is, and reminds us that change is the only reality that exists. If we flow with it, we can learn and grow. If we resist it, we get stuck in a time warp where we stagnate.

Flexibility toward change and openness about it afford us new experiences and opportunities. Fall is a time of excitement and preparation for the holidays ahead and of preparation for the quiet days of winter that follow.

So, welcome the new season with open arms and be receptive to what it has to offer. Like the falling leaves of this season, let’s shed what we no longer need so we can make room for the new. Enjoy the changes fall brings rather than fighting them. And, above all, be aware of the personal meanings you attach to this seasonal change and expand and multiply the joys it brings.

Daniela Roher PhD

Let’s say your partner cheated on you. You are stunned by the awareness of his or her actions. You feel lost (Should you stay or go?), alone (The person you sought comfort and support from is now the very person who is causing your pain), ashamed (What are people going to think of you?), and may even question your role in it (Did you help cause it?).

Don’t make any decision too precipitously. You are overwhelmed by very powerful feelings that push you in opposite directions from one moment to the next. It’s difficult to take a step back and put things into perspective at this stage. It’s impossible to look at the events and your feelings from a logical, rational point of view, as emotions are distorting your perception of reality right now. Instead, we encourage you to take some time and apply the CORE strategies we suggest.

Let’s examine them one by one.

Communicate with each other openly and honestly.

A survey conducted by infidelity expert Peggy Vaughan, with 1,083 people whose spouses had affairs, found that the more couples talk about the events of the affair and their feelings about it, the more likely they were to maintain and rebuild their marriage, recover from the damages caused by the affair, and heal.

The betrayed partner has a need to know what happened. The betrayer, on the other hand, while possibly wanting to “move on” and not revisit events likely to bring up uncomfortable emotions, has an obligation to be responsive to the partner’s needs.

The betrayed person should be free to ask all the questions he or she has, and the betrayer should respond in ways that are not defensive but supportive, understanding, and caring. Furthermore, the betrayer should be patient and not pressure the partner to move through this phase faster than required. It takes time to rebuild trust, and it is rebuilt one step at a time.

Opportunities emerge from tragedies.

Nobody creates tragedies in one’s life in order to see opportunities in them. However, tragedies can be the red flags that force couples to pay attention to areas that might have been ignored or glossed over in the past. Making a conscious effort to use this opportunity can improve, strengthen, and deepen relationships, even relationships that have been ruptured by a major betrayal.

Of the couples in Vaughan’s survey who chose to stay together and talked a lot about the facts of the betrayal and their emotions about them, 43% said they were “a good bit better than before the affair,” and 59% reported that they were “a lot better.”

Renegotiate the rules and norms of the relationship.

After a betrayal of trust, the relationship will never be the same as in the past, so new rules and norms need to be laid out. Perhaps your old norms were never openly discussed, but just assumed. Now they need to be spelled out clearly, discussed, and agreed upon. This process reduces fear and anxiety about the future and contributes to the creation of common expectations and directions.

So, for example, if the betrayal was about money, the partners may decide that all purchases over $200 have to be mutually agreed upon. They may also decide to go over the books together once a month to discuss shared and individual debts, budgeting, and spending.

Empathy leads to healing.

It is not enough to answer questions and to give time to the other person to heal. Emotional healing occurs when empathy is present. The betrayer needs to feel what the other person is feeling, while acknowledging his or her part in the pain. One’s ability to feel empathy, or to step in your partner’s shoes, naturally leads to feeling remorse and contrition. Contrition, in turn, drives one’s commitment to change those behaviors that caused so much pain.

This process helps to establish new foundations for the relationship based on openness, honesty, and increased empathic knowledge of oneself and each other.

How can two people live in this situation? It can be done if both partners commit to communicating and cooperating. Here are five tips.

Sit down and go over the finances before discussing anything else.
Leave feelings out of this as much as you can manage. Come up with a plan that both housemates feel is fair and feasible. Try to divide bills and household chores up as closely as possible to 50/50 so that, as housemates, it feels equitable for both people and does not lead to resentment or unnecessary conflict.

Set a time-frame or financial goal for the end of cohabitation.
For example, “We are going to be living in the same place until…” This could be a time frame, such as three months, six months, or a year. This could also be a financial goalpost: “We are going to share our house until we both have paid our joint debts” or “…until one of us has paid off what he or she owes the other” or “…until one of us finds a job.” Such financial goals should be tied to a time frame: “This should happen within a certain number of weeks/months.” Make a mutual commitment to respect your joint plan and not change it unless you discuss it first.

Share with each other information that affects both of you.
Did one of your find a new job, or did you or your ex-partner lose one? Is there a major change that may affect your mutual agreement, such as a major health issue or an inheritance? Housemates should also share minor changes that affect each other. For instance, if you decide to spend the night somewhere else and you have always been very consistent with your schedule, leave a note or send a text to your ex-partner about this turn of events so he or she does not worry about your whereabouts. This doesn’t mean you need to tell your ex everything you do and everywhere you go, but it is common courtesy to let a housemate know that you are okay, or that you might be coming home in the middle of the night.

Talk about your feelings for one another.
Quite likely one of you is emotionally ready to move on, whereas the other person may still be mourning the end of the romantic relationship and hoping it can be repaired or rekindled. It is important you know where each of you stands. Remember that you once became a couple because you loved each other. Even if your feelings have changed, your ex and current housemate still deserves respect.

Discuss how you want to handle new relationships.
As housemates it’s necessary to come up with an understanding of how to manage the other person’s romantic partners. How does each of you feel about the other getting involved with someone else? Is it okay to bring a new friend home? How can you do this in a courteous and respectful way? Sometimes housemates may agree to use separate entrances or bathrooms, when possible, to assure maximum privacy and discretion.

Bottom line: When couples break up but decide to still live together for a while, it’s important to have clear, mutual agreements and understandings about how to manage the household. It is possible for people who once loved each other romantically to transcend the hurt and anger, and to transform their relationship into one of friendship and cooperation. If you can’t manage to do this, then living together out of necessity, even for a short period of time, is not a good idea.

People who believe in the incongruity of friendship and erotic passion quote the numerous experiences long term couples often talk about: lovemaking becomes stale, boring, repetitive and very predictable; the friendship and companionship that develop through the years of being together eventually kill the initial passion and all that is left is unimaginative and infrequent sex.

Of course, there is a point in what they are saying. We are all aware that lust and desire decrease as people live together for a long time. Lovemaking becomes less passionate, exciting and adventuresome. Many jokes on how marriage kills sex reinforce this view.

Physiologically, we know that levels of dopamine, a neurotransmitter in our brain that creates excitement and the in-love feeling and stimulates the release of testosterone; the hormone that awakens desire in both men and women; are high at the beginning of a romantic relationship. As the relationship continues, dopamine levels decrease and oxytocin, called the “cuddle” hormone, increases, stimulating bonding.

So, are we all doomed to either constantly move from one partner to the next in order to keep passion alive (high levels of dopamine), or accept that love and passion change for the worse with familiarity and friendship (increase in oxytocin levels)?

The question I ask is: can love be prevented from becoming more boring with the years because of these intrinsic physiological changes that inevitably develop with couples being together for a long time, and is there something that long term couples can do to keep the spark alive between them? After all, both men and women claim that lovemaking with someone with whom they have deep loving feelings heightens, rather than dull, their sexual experiences. And oxytocin spikes after lovemaking, encouraging bonding, pointing to the fact that lovemaking is one of the ways in which bonding in couples is reinforced.

Indeed, there is something to be said about the deep appreciation, fondness, respect, love and, yes, friendship that develop between two individuals who know each other intimately and who have spent a long time together. It doesn’t seem that friendship and sex are so antithetical to each other in ALL circumstances and that nothing can be done to change the fate of love in the long run. What is required, however, is for long term couples to be more aware of what they need to do to maintain the passion between them alive.

Life just happens; with challenges, crises and detours that require a constant rearranging of priorities. Over the life of a long term relationship, there are plenty of times when couples may feel they don’t have time for each other, or they take each other for granted, as they tend to what they consider to be more urgent problems than each other. For instance, young parents tend to be less inclined to be amorous with one another when they are physically exhausted and emotionally spent in taking care of their children. Or some couples may have less time for each other while they work at demanding jobs, are absorbed by financial or medical problems; they may be in the middle of relocating, or are mourning the death of a person close to them.

While there is no way we can totally insulate ourselves from any of these situations, it is nonetheless important not to forget about our intimate partners. The spark of sexual desire and passion can be kept alive by making time for each other; by making each other a priority, even and particularly during difficult times, and by not taking each other for granted. We need to invest the energy, time, effort and hard work needed to give our partners the message that they come first; that their happiness matters to us, and that our own happiness is not possible without them in our lives.

Love and friendship, then, rather than being in conflict, can actually reinforce each other and bring about the combination of emotional security, and the playful and joyful feelings that can be fully experienced when we are physically close to someone we cherish and love.

I bet that, when you think back to those early times of your love, you remember what you did together: perhaps you both liked the same music and went to concerts together; or you liked the theater, and went to many plays; or you had meals at favorite spots, or you cycled, hiked, walked, worked out together, sailed or went out for happy hour and these turned into whole evenings of conversation and fun.

Whatever you did, you did things together. Doing so allowed you to deepen your knowledge of each other, mostly noticing and emphasizing the similarities and ignoring or minimizing the differences between the two of you. This process greatly contributed to the development of an emotional bond between you two that grew deeper as you continued to come up with ideas of doing things you both liked, and enjoying the experiences of engaging in activities together.

Fast forward to now: what have you and your partner been doing together lately?

Chances are you both have been so busy that you may not have had much time to do things together; assuming other priorities came first for one, the other or for both of you, and no longer being sure that what you liked to do your partner would like as well. In fact, you may be convinced that your partner has changed since those early days. While you see yourself as having stayed basically the same, your partner in your view is like another person. You no longer can guess what he or she likes or doesn’t. And, actually, it looks to you like your partner is moving further and further away from you and who the two of you used to be in those early times together. It almost feels like your partner is doing this progressive distancing on purpose, to upset you, or to give you the message that he no longer sees you as the attractive, intelligent and fun person you used to be in his or her eyes. He or she doesn’t seem to be making any effort, these days, to let you know how much you are valued, appreciated and loved… so what’s left?

Let me offer an alternative view to yours, that your partner no longer loves you because he or she has changed so much that the two of you no longer share much anymore.

Is it possible that your partner may be exactly in the same situation you find yourself in. Perhaps he or she is convinced YOU are no longer interested in the relationship; YOU have changed and are now a different. Do you know that this is actually what often transpires when couples go to couple counseling, each partner stating that his or her position is based on what he or she thinks is going on with the other partner?

Of course, in such a situation neither partner can get their needs met, as each feels insecure about the relationship and the other partner’s feelings.

What is there to do? Invite your partner to go for a walk with you; send him/her a text in the middle of the day, with a suggestion about setting up a date for a movie, or a dinner out to one of your favorite places. When you reach out to your partner with openness, love and interest, an invitation can go a long way toward beginning to heal the rift and web of miscommunications and fears that enwrap your relationship like a spider web preventing your relationship to grow and expand. Be the first one to reach out: you will be surprised by what you might discover!

“Couples at the Crossroads is a valuable book for couples who are wondering if they can “make their relationship work. Drs. Roher and Schwartz have integrated the latest in relationship science with understanding and compassion, and produced a book that can help a motivated reader to look within, while connecting with what is important within a partner, and begin together to develop a deeply satisfying love that endures.” Marion Solomon, PhD., Co-author of “Love and War In Intimate Relationships”

“Couples at the Crossroads is a remarkable book; it’s a must-read for couples who are wondering if they can “make it work.” Drs. Roher and Schwartz have melded the latest in relationship science with understanding and compassion, in a way that will help you look within, reconnect with your partner, and create a love that’s deeply satisfying.” Harville Hendrix, Ph. D. Author of “Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.”

So, how come women, who allegedly want the commitment and security of a stable relationship, are also the ones who are more likely to initiate divorce procedures and give this commitment up?

On the surface, these facts seem contradictory, as one would expect women, once they got what they wanted, to hold on to it whereas men, who may have felt pressured to make a lifelong commitment, might at some point or another want to regain their freedom again… Yet, data show a different picture.

Is it because younger women are becoming more independent, so less likely to want commitment from men as in the past? After all, a lot of women today can take care of themselves financially and otherwise, so they no longer need a man to provide, take care and protect them. And yet these data seem to be constant even among women who are dependent on men. When we look at divorce data of couples in their 50s and 60s age range, for instance, which is reflective of more traditional marriages with men being the providers and women being housewives, we discover that this is the age range where divorces are not less common, but they actually are increasing at a faster pace than at any other age. Here too, women initiate two divorces out of three.

Is it because men are more likely to be unfaithful than women, so wives get fed up and divorce them? While on the one hand infidelities are increasing among women and, in the younger generation they are starting to catch up with men, male infidelity is still more prevalent that female. However, infidelity typically accounts for only about a quarter of divorces in this country.

Is it because men are more likely than women to engage in domestic violence? Recent surveys show that domestic violence accounts for about 20% of all divorces, so it cannot be singled out as the number one reason for them.

So, while all these elements contribute to a decision to file for divorce, none of them seems to be the main reason.

So, what is the main reason?

The main reasons women report for divorcing are affective reasons. They feel their partners are no longer communicating openly and deeply with them; they and their partners have drifted apart; they feel emotionally neglected and ignored; and the companionship and friendship that were there before are now gone.

It is when women feel emotionally alone, disconnected, devalued, unappreciated, and unsupported that they want out.

So, whether you are a man or a woman, please take a look at how you interact with your partner and how he or she may feel about it. Reconnecting – emotionally, physically, socially, and spiritually – can rekindle the love that was there and bring hope that it is not go.

Daniela Roher, Ph.D.

“How do they – i. e. marriage counselors and couple psychotherapists – know why we are at this point in our relationship?” they ask, and “How do they know what we need to do to get reconnected with one another again?”

While it is true that each situation is different and each couple has its own set of challenges and difficulties as well as resources and strengths, it is also true that there are fundamental similarities among couples in distress. And it is these similarities that allow professional people like counselors and psychotherapists to help. Most differences, in fact, tend to be more superficial than substantial, because fundamentally we all need and look for the same things in love, – being valued and cherished, appreciated and loved – and we all respond by feeling less at ease in situations where our needs are no longer being met – we get angry, hurt, rejected; we withdraw, criticize or disconnect.

The most important and fundamental similarity in all romantic relationships is the need for each partner to feel safe, both physically and emotionally, in the relationship. Now, this feeling of safety can be shattered in many different ways – think of your partner abandoning you at a time when you need him the most; or when she makes you feel responsible for all the problems in your relationship; or when you feel neglected by your partner because, after the birth of your baby, she is totally absorbed in her new mother role; or when you realize that your partner has life goals and priorities that clash with yours, and the two of you no longer are on the same page…

Realizing that you and your partner no longer seem to see things the same way, and he/she no longer is the person you loved, triggers feelings of insecurity and fear, and these, in turn, create anxiety. With anxiety, there is a need to self-protect, which means you are no longer open and trusting of each other, but you become cautious and vigilant when with your partner.

Acting defensively when together and no longer having each other’s back, foster feelings of hurt, fear, disappointment and betrayal. It is what creates disconnection between partners and leads to threats of separation.

This is what astute and seasoned psychotherapists and counselors sense when they work with couples in distress. How couples got to this place is often less relevant than what they need to do to move out and beyond it. So, marriage counselors and couples psychotherapists look for ways of repairing the damage caused by feeling rejected, abandoned, or dismissed and devalued by each other, and help couples change the ways partners interact and see each other by increasing their awareness of the underlying dysfunctional dynamics that maintain conflicts and insecurity in their relationships.

So, if you find yourself in a distressed relationship and are stuck, seek professional help. Just remember a relevant piece of information: on average, couples in distress get to a psychotherapist office six years too late… Do you want to be part of these statistics?

“Game Change” recalls the events during the 2008 presidential campaign during which Sarah Palin, the then Governor of Alaska, was selected as John McCain’s vice-presidential running mate.

Leaving aside all political comments, as well as attempting to diagnose Ms. Palin, which are not at all the intent of this blog, I would like to use the opportunity of this program to emphasize the importance of attachment as a powerful and effective affect regulator.

Throughout the program viewers are watching the gradual unraveling of a person as Sarah Palin is being transformed from a mother and the governor of a state typically away from the limelight into a symbol designed to represent a large part of the American population’s goals and aspirations.

However, when Ms. Palin was exposed to difficulties the extent of which she had not anticipated, she began to experience anxiety and fear. At those times, when we are scared and anxious, not only Sarah Palin, but all of us tend to seek comfort and reassurance in those people whom we trust and love. Ms. Palin, when facing huge challenges, felt lost as her familiar surroundings, her family and all the people whom she knew and who knew her, were not physically or emotionally available to her. Throughout the program she asks to run a polling in Alaska to ascertain if her ratings are still high there. These are attempts, on her part, to stay connected which was was known and familiar to her, thus safe. On several occasions she asks for her children. She often looks lonely, scared and isolated.

The emotions expressed by Ms. Palin could be felt by all of us. We all, in fact, function much better when we feel there is someone we trust and love who is behind us; who has our best interests at heart and who has our back. This awareness makes us feel stronger. It comforts us to know that, in case of need, we can reach out and a trusted person will make him/herself available to us.

Recent studies on the effects of trauma indicate that it is not only the kind of trauma we are exposed to that determines our reactions to it, but it is GOING THROUGH IT ALONE!

Attachment figures – like a family member, a partner, a close friend – help us manage our emotions, so these won’t get out of control and overwhelm us. An attachment figure can soothe, reassure, support, encourage and just be present at a difficult or challenging time, making the whole difference between being alone and scared and feeling supported and loved.

Do you have someone you trust who is emotionally and physically present and available in your life? If you do, consider yourself lucky, and make sure you treasure and value this person.