Holidays: Laughter and Tears–Part Four: Let’s Not Forget Those Who Are No Longer Here
Dec 21st, 2010 by admin
Particularly at this time of the year, when emphasis is on being together and enjoying each other’s company, we are reminded of those who are no longer with us. This is when we feel their absence more deeply and intensely and miss having them close. This does not apply only to the people close to us who died, but also those who are far away, physically, emotionally, or both.
How can we make the pain of their absence more bearable?
When we miss someone who used to be close to us, the most comforting thing we can do to reduce the intensity of our pain is to bring into our awareness times and memories about them that are warm and loving. Times when this person was still in our lives; when we enjoyed each other and when it was possible to spend time together and enjoy it. So, seek comfort in the soothing memories of times bygone and remind yourself that these people are not completely gone. They continue, in fact, to maintain a presence in your life because they have become parts of who you are, woven into the fabric of your daily existence. And the same is true for you in their lives, whether they want to accept it or not. We may remember a word, an expression, a habit, an interest about this person and he or she becomes alive for a moment, as in our emotional lives there is no difference between past and present, feelings being strong whether we had them long time ago or experience them again now.
So, instead of trying to forget about them because you are afraid you will feel too sad, make these people parts of your celebrations by carrying them in your heart as you go through the holidays. They have become an internal presence that stays with you all the time. Talk to them, and about them to those who are with you today, so you will keep them alive in their minds as well.
It is more difficult to do so when the people you miss so much are still alive and it may be their choice not to be part of your life. But even with them, think of past moments when you were happy together and treasure those moments. Begin a conversation with them in your mind, saying what is relevant, what you want to communicate, moving away from rancor and past hurts and staying with positive moments. Even when the physical relationship with someone you love is not possible, you can still have an emotional bond and an inner communication that keeps you connected to them. Write what you would like to say as if that person or persons were in front of you. Putting your thoughts and feelings down is a way of maintaining this emotional connection, when the physical one is not possible.
Remember this is a time of healing, sharing, loving and forgiving. Be grateful for what you have and what you had, even if it is no longer here.
Dr. Roher,
I imagine it is natural for you to gauge response to your blog by the comments generated. However, I would like you to know that I enjoy your posts very much and look forward to visiting your website and finding new thought provoking ideas and perspectives on life, relationships (both with others and even the relationship we have with ourselves). I am a frequent visitor to your blog, but not someone who readily leaves comments. I just wanted to encourage you not to weigh the outreach of your efforts, by the number of comments you receive. Often times, life changing influence and impact is “unseen”, perhaps even unacknowledged, but it is always a gift to the recipient. I don’t always leave a comment; but I always leave with something valuable to ponder. Thank you.
I truly appreciate your feedback on the usefulness of my blogs, Susan. I thank you for taking the time to let me know how you feel after reading what I write, particularly because, as you say, you are not “someone who readily leaves comments.”
Your feedback gives me encouragement to continue in my work, knowing that I am reaching people in some “unseen’ ways but valuable ways.
Please let me know I there are specific subjects you are particularly interested in.