Many Parts of Love – part 2
Dec 2nd, 2009 by admin
When we are in some kind of emotional pain – we feel depressed, anxious, confused – we become ungrounded and our abilities to tolerate emotional closeness and reap the benefits of it are often compromised. At those times we may tend to isolate, withdraw and avoid close contact, because we feel too vulnerable and are afraid we may get hurt or hurt ourselves or our partner, if we seek closeness. We feel we are in so much pain that we cannot take any more than what we are already experiencing. Yet reaching out to our loved ones, or to a professional, is what can bring about healing.
Remember: intimate relationships are often the reasons for our most devastating emotional pains, yet they also are the means that guide us toward healing them. When we are in deep pain, we cannot, alone, make ourselves feel better, as the pain gets magnified and feels insurmountable. We ruminate on the same issues, over and over, wasting energy without getting ahead. So, we lose our ability to assess and to reflect, as we cannot see the forest because of the trees, too wrapped up in our emotions to be able to put things in perspective. For this we need another person – someone we feel safe with – to provide feedback, offer support, soothing and reassurance, and help us become more comfortable with our emotions and make sense of what is happening to us. Together with this person, the ability to process our emotions and understand what is happening can be regained.
It is the emotional connection created by the relationship itself, not so much what is discussed and how, that is healing. It is the feeling of emotional safety that this connection provides that facilitates opening up, reaching out for support and help, taking in what the other person has to offer and which allays our painful emotions.
And, as these become more manageable, we take a step back and reflect of what is going on and how we are affected by them. This reflective ability, in turn, opens up options for us, as we now can think and feel about how to address issues that are at the root of our emotional discomfort. As we said earlier, this process requires the presence of a safe person, be it a loved one or a professional.
Psychotherapy is like a microcosm reflecting what is going on in our life in general. Because of it, we express emotions via a process called transference about people in our lives and about ourselves. And, because we don’t have to worry about being judged, rejected, abused or abandoned, the therapeutic setting can provide an opportunity to safely explore what is happening to us emotionally and process, together, emotions that would have been too uncomfortable and scary to explore and feel when alone.
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