Dr. Roher

Boundaries define where we end and other people begin, both physically and emotionally. Psychologically, they define a space we see as our own, separate from other people. When we are in love or feel very close to another person through friendship, collaboration, or special circumstances, boundaries may get blurred, as we see ourselves not as separate from them. However, even then boundaries continue to be an important piece of our emotional health.

Boundaries are affected by individuals’ life experiences, as well as by different cultures. Societies where there is a strong emphasis on group cohesion have boundaries within the group that tend to be more flexible and relaxed. In societies like ours, with its emphasis on the individual, boundaries tend to be stricter.

Boundaries also vary according to gender. Women tend, in general, to have less clear boundaries than men. Hence they tend to be pushed around, manipulated and being controlled and abused more than men. Women also tend to be more afraid of confrontations, so they are more likely to go along with what another person wants in order to avoid conflict or hurting their feelings.

Extreme positions in boundaries –too inadequate or too rigid – tend to create psychological problems. Lack of healthy boundaries can lead to abuse, taking responsibilities for someone else’s decisions and actions, losing one’s sense of identity, and so on. Boundaries that are too rigid keep people in isolation, as though they were within a bubble that nobody can break through.

How do we develop healthy boundaries?

1. Look at your upbringing and see how your family interacted with you: did they respect your private space? Did they leave you alone in areas where you needed guidance and support?
2. How do you see yourself in relation to others? Do you see yourself as controlling? Or more likely to be controlled? When somebody is bothering you, what is your most likely response?
3. Decide the areas where you are not willing to compromise and make plans to protect them. Stick to your resolve. People may not like your stand, but they will respect it.
4. While you become more aware of your own boundaries, don’t forget those of others! If you want them to respect your boundaries, you need to do the same with theirs.
5. When you feel your boundaries are being violated, respond in ways that are clear, direct and to the point. Don’t worry so much about not being liked. Worry more about being heard. This does not mean you need to be aggressive, even though at times this is necessary, but aim at being assertive.

In essence, if you want people to respect your boundaries, you need to start from yourself. Most of the time people respond to how you act, so set a clear example of how you want to be treated. Above all, remember that, no matter how close you feel to another person, there is always a part of you that remains separate from the relationship and THIS IS NOT ONLY OK BUT HEALTHY.

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Almost 50% of affairs for women occur with co-workers and more than 60% of affairs for men begin in the office. This is a clear indication that it is people in our daily lives that ignite passion and create situations where lust can be experienced, even if people do not realize what is happening until much later.

More recently, online affairs have become as popular as office affairs, as virtual proximity and accessibility substitutes for physical proximity and daily interactions. We have already discussed the characteristics of online affairs, so here we focus on real time infidelity.

An office co-worker can become attractive for different reasons. These reasons can occur concurrently or individually. The following are some of the most common:

• The friendly ear:

A person can become the friendly ear that listens and empathizes with one’s stories of dissatisfactions and unhappiness. He or she seems to be available when needed, with unlimited patience, interest and empathy. It becomes comforting to get together and support each other. From here, the relationship can grow and morph into something more personal, more special and intimate.

• The unexpected:

At times at the beginning of an affair neither person plans to get deeply emotionally entangled with one another, but this happens gradually, almost unnoticed. Intimacy develops with increased sharing, a sense of being understood, valued and appreciated. The step from being friends to being lovers is often quite short.

• The sexual allure:

At times a person is seen as sexually attractive and alluring from the very beginning. When this person is around, there is an electricity in the room that cannot be ignored. Thoughts about that person start to creep up even when he or she is not around. Obsessive thinking and fantasizing develop, with increasing intensity and frequency. If the other person responds to this attraction, an affair develops and blooms. This relationship may evolve into a deeper one or remain exclusively sexual. If it remains strictly sexual, typically is short-lived.

• The soul mate:

Often this is the evolution of the friendly year scenario we discussed before. As the couple gets to know each other more intimately, they discover they think the same, they like the same things, they have similar goals and views of life. They seem to be on the same wavelength, so there is little need for words to communicate to one another. This relationship can become sexual, but does not have to in order to become powerfully attractive and highly emotional for both people involved.

• The attraction of youth:

For someone who is reaching middle or late middle age and sees his or her looks change, the allure of a younger person can be quite powerful. These types of relationships typically don’t last for a long time, as differences in age and being at different points in life create a wedge that later on affects the relationship, often dooming it.

• The High School sweetheart:

People look up old friends on line of see them at reunions. These are friends from a time in their lives that felt good, pregnant with possibilities and the whole future still in front of them. When people reconnect, old feelings are at times rekindled. Couples feel they already know each other quite intimately, even if they have not seen each other for over thirty years. This feeling of familiarity provides comfort and encourages trust. Often, when old High school or College sweethearts see each other again, they don’t see who they are today but who they used to be. This experience seems to occur in a time warp, catapulting the people involved to earlier and happier times. It is the wish to recapture this time and the feelings associated to it that makes these relationships bonding because they have deep roots and very intense emotions and enduring.

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Only 35% of couples with marital infidelity stay together. Hurt, humiliation, disappointment are very powerful feelings that often lead to blaming and attacking. Depression, anxiety and fear can occur following the betrayal. Trust is gone. There is a deep feeling of loneliness and shame, and concern about the future. Partners often don’t know how to deal with these intense emotions that create havoc in their lives. The very person who used to provide comfort and reassurance is now the very person who is now causing the pain. This situation is not very different from incest where the incestuous parent, who is supposed to provide protection and safety is actually breaking these rules making a child feel unsafe and alone.

Women in general tend to want to see if there is a way of repairing the damage caused by the infidelity. However, they tend to have a very difficult time with trust and with re-engaging in sexual activities with their partners. Men, on the other hand, are more likely to want out of the relationship if it is the woman who was unfaithful. Women are more likely to get depressed in these situations, whereas men are more likely to get angry (Spring.)

Forgiveness is what needs to take place for the relationship to survive in the infidelity. Forgiveness benefits both partners and can take the relationship to a deeper level of intimacy.

However, forgiveness is not an act but a process that requires certain elements to be in place in order to occur. These elements are:

1) EMPATHY.

The person who had the oaffair needs to become aware of the full emotional impact of his or her actions on the other partner and feel what the other is feeling. Up until that point he or she might have minimized this impact, assuming that what is not known does not hurt. However, without open communication, the injuring partner won’t be able to achieve a full understanding and own responsibility for his or her actions. Once the two partners develop an honest way of communicating their feelings, they need to give each other all the time required to process the emotional impact of the affair. The length of this process vary from couple to couple, as a lot of specific elements may speed it up or slow it down. This part of the work requires patience, staying with the feelings, even and particularly when they are uncomfortable and, for the injuring partner, being emotionally available to the injured partner.

2) REMORSE.

There needs to be a reasonable expectation that this behavior won’t occur again in the future. I say “reasonable” because none of us has 100% security about what another person will or will not do in the future. However, it is important for the partner who was betrayed to begin to feel safe again in the relationship. And this is possible only if the person who had the affair becomes a changed person, fully aware of the seriousness of his or her actions and willing to do whatever it takes to change. Forgiveness applies only to those actions that occurred in the past, not to those occurring in the present or possibly happening in the future. It is only when the partner who had the extra-marital affair can provide reassurance that he or she is a changed person that the injured partner can start to rebuild trust. The injuring partner needs to feel and express regret and remorse and communicate these feelings appropriately to the injured partner.

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Brain Chemistry and Affairs

Is there a correlation between the levels of some brain chemicals and vulnerability to extra marital infidelity? Research in this area indicates that, while physical tendencies may be changed by our ability to think and reach logical decisions, our brain chemistry can influence our behaviors and choices. Of these chemicals, three in particular affect sexual and romantic behaviors in men and women. These are: Testosterone, Dopamine and Oxytocin.Elevated levels of these chemicals contribute to the development of lust, romantic love and attachment, all elements that play a role in intimate relationships and thus in affairs as well, separately or together.

Testosterone is a hormone associated with lust. While men tend to have higher elevations of testosterone than women, women can also be affected by this hormone’s levels. In women, lust waxes and wanes according to their menstrual cycle, typically reaching a peak during ovulation – the second week of the menstrual cycle – which is also their most fertile time (Havelick.)

Studies indicate that people with high circulating levels of testosterone tend to have more affairs and higher divorce rates than those with lower testosterone levels. And, while some people may have inherited high testosterone levels, certain situations can also elevate or lower them. For instance, single men have higher testosterone levels than married men. In married men, when marriages are in trouble, levels of testosterone raise (Booth and Dobbs), making affairs more likely to occur.

Dopamine, our most powerful stimulant, is a neurotransmitter that becomes elevated in addictions, and is also elevated when we are in love, contributing to hyper-focused attention, exhilaration, obsessive thinking and increased levels of energy (Fisher.) Research found that novelty (like in an affair) can trigger the release of dopamine and promote romantic love. Dopamine, in turn, stimulates the release of testosterone, which increases one’s sexual drive.

Oxytocin is called the “cuddle hormone’ because of the role it plays in intimacy. The role of oxytocin in affairs seems to be particularly important when we consider affairs women engage in. Women, in fact, tend to have affairs because they are looking for a soul mate, someone they feel emotionally connected to, and with whom they can share their innermost feelings (Spring.) Men, on the other hand, are more likely to look for a playmate, someone with whom they can engage in activities and pursuits they both like and enjoy, including sex.

As we can see, “Love is a symphony of feelings with many notes and chords,” as author Helen Fisher tells us in her book “Why we Love.” There are many elements – we discussed the psychological, environmental and physiological ones – that contribute to making it as exciting, attractive and irresistible as it is, at all ages and under all kinds of circumstances. But, while its elements have been the same throughout history, new technological developments have created circumstances and opportunities for the development and expression of lust and romantic love that are completely new. Internet affairs are examples of such new circumstances, providing hitherto new and fantasy rich romantic and lustful encounters for both men and women.

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Emotional disconnection and Infidelity

As we saw in the preceding blog on the psychological traits that make people more vulnerable to extra marital infidelity, it is the emotionally disconnection from their romantic partners – whether because one or both are insecurely attached, or because external circumstances weakened their emotional connection with one another – that makes some people more likely to get involved in extra marital affairs. Most cheaters (over 90% in a survey of over 4,300 people) confirm this when they state that the primary reason for cheating is emotional, not sexual (Layton-Tholl.)

When this lack of emotional connection and closeness with their mates gets married (no puns intended) to the pull of desire, as well as the excitement of the new and forbidden and the fantasy that, with another person, they can achieve the intimacy they want and need, we have a perfect storm for an affair to happen.

However, not all insecurely attached individuals develop affairs. However, insecurely attached people may tend to be more impulsive, as the sense of security in the relationship with their mate is not there to anchor them. Impulsivity facilitates the shift from thinking about doing something to actually carrying the thought out in reality. Impulsive people focus entirely on the present moment and their present needs and block out any thought about the repercussions of their decisions. Impulsivity also blocks out any thought about how a certain behavior may impact people who are going to be affected by these decisions. Of course, impulsivity does not exclusively occur in insecurely attached people, but insecure attachment creates an added vulnerability.

Some other psychological elements may increase the chances of people having extra marital affairs. In an earlier blog we discussed that people in the high drama professions are more at risk for extra marital infidelity. Psychologically, people who choose these professions tend to thrive on excitement and high drama. While their tolerance for routine is quite low as they get easily bored, they are attracted to unpredictability, exhilaration and constant stimulation. Affairs, to these people, are highly appealing and tempting because they feed their need for excitement and risk. These are also people who tend to live in the present, and don’t worry too much about the repercussions of their actions in the future. So, they don’t think about what will happen to their primary relationships as a consequence of their affairs, or to their lovers, often until it is too late. In such cases, impulsivity gets coupled with by an exaggerated sense of entitlement and being above rules that apply to everybody but not them.

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It is normal to be overwhelmed and unsure of what to do, so don’t think you are unique or that there is something wrong with you. If this is your first holiday with your new blended family, expect challenges. Also, don’t think your situation is unique, as more than 50% of American families are re-married or re-coupled households, according to a survey by the Stepfamily Foundation.

Here is what can make your holidays fun and provide good memories for everybody:

• Blend old and new traditions. You need to create a balancing act between old traditions that you, your partner or the children don’t want to give up and new ones that reinforce the notion that this is a new beginning for all of you.

• Don’t pass judgments about old traditions or other parents, as tempted as you might be. Kids get very attached to their traditions and get hurt very deeply by criticisms.

• Involve the children in creating new traditions. This counterbalances the lack of control most children feel when their families break up. Involving them in creating new traditions gives the feeling of being included and having more control.

• Don’t take children’s reactions personally:  they are dealing with losses. They may experience painful memories, feelings of sadness, resentment, disappointment, anger, and more. So, make room for these feelings to be acknowledged and teach children how to express them appropriately. Remind yourself these feelings are not directed at you.

• Put kids first, being sensitive to their feelings and the difficulties they may be facing.

• Don’t over schedule. If you try to do too much, everybody will be exhausted and nobody will enjoy anything.

• Spin it. Be positive. This is not a time to mention the word “divorce.” Instead, remind the children that they have two houses now and thus they will have double of everything.

• Set realistic expectations, for yourself as well as for everybody else in your household.

• Rise above hostilities and bad feelings. Bite your tongue when you want to say something negative about one person or another. Remind yourself this is a time of good will and happy thoughts.

• Be inclusive. Even though it is not your personal preference, you may want to include the kids’ other parent or other members of the extended family for some event or activities where the kids are involved. Remember, children want everybody to get along, because this creates fewer conflicts for them. Teach by example.

• Strive for equity: treat your biological children and your step-children the same way. Give them the same amount of attention. Share the same activities. Buy the same number of gifts and make sure they are of similar value. Children take note of everything, and it is easy to feel ignored.

• Expect challenges and difficult times, no matter how well you planned, especially at times of transition, such as schedules of who is with whom and when.

• Take care of your needs too! You cannot be there for others unless you are sensitive to your needs and feelings.

• Rely on your partner’s support. Don’t try to do everything alone!

Happy Holidays!

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Enjoying the Holidays after a Breakup: MyFoxPHOENIX.com

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Elements that make people more vulnerable to extra marital infidelity.

In addition to the general situations created by being in long term intimate relationships, there are specific elements that make affairs more likely to occur.

When people live in marital situations where there is a lot of hostility, for instance, an affair may be a way of getting back at a spouse seen as insensitive, uncaring and rejecting. At times they are ways of getting out of the marriage. These affairs are called “exit” affairs.

Going through a life transition, like entering middle age, may also increase chances of one partner getting involved in an affair. The unconscious purpose of the affair here is to deny reality by engaging with a partner – typically younger – who finds us sexually attractive and givers us the attention we crave.

Losing one’s job, recovering from a life threatening illness or getting through the birth of a baby are transitional times where usual patterns of connecting with one’s mate have been altered by these events. Because of this, these emotional connections no longer provide the comfort and security they might have provided in the past. These times also force some people to see their lives differently and reflect on what they want. Consequently, they may develop different priorities and different goals for themselves. Some may struggle with these changes, conflicted about who they used to be and who we are now. Extra marital affairs may both contribute and reflect these changes.

People who are better off economically and have higher levels of education tend to get involved in extra-marital affairs more often than people with lower incomes and lower educational levels. Further, people in occupations with high levels of stress, like working in an emergency room, being a firefighter or a soldier in a combat zone, have higher incidence of affairs than people in professions with less drama. People in the entertainment business are extremely susceptible to getting involved in affairs, because they have the financial means and lead lives full of excitement and high drama. This is also true for surgeons and politicians, as they operate in high visibility and high drama professions.

Gender Differences. Do men and women act differently when it comes to extra marital infidelity? Current trends indicate that the gender gap is closing, as more women are likely to engage in affairs, particularly younger women. We can speculate on what are the reasons for these changes. I think one of the main reasons is the more open attitude about sex and women today, versus the past. Also, most of women in long term relationships now work out of their homes.They are thus in daily contact with other people, exposing themselves to the same risks and vulnerabilities as men. Earlier we talked about the fact that most affairs develop in the office, where both men and women are in daily contact but without the stresses of living together.

Women, today, are also quite aware of their needs and are more assertive in verbalizing and meeting them, rather than passively accept their situations.

There also seems to be a correlation, in women, between age of first intercourse and infidelity later in life. The earlier the first sexual experience, the more likely women are to engage in extra marital sex later in their lives.

In the next blog post we will discuss some of the psychological elements that make some people more vulnerable to extra marital infidelity.

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Conditions Favorable to Affairs

We all fantasize at times about what it would be like to have an affair with one person or another. These fantasies can reflect the dissatisfaction we may experience at some points in our lives, the frustrations, the boredom, or the need to recapture the excitement of a time in our lives that now seems gone. At times these fantasies are indications of something amiss in our lives. Acknowledging them helps us face and address the issues at hand. Fantasies about affairs, however, may also just reflect curiosity, the excitement that comes from someone new, and the sexual attraction we may experience for this person.

Because we live in a society where there is constant contact with people other than our mates, the opportunities to fantasize about them abound. 2 out of 3 women and 3 out of 4 men admit to having had sexual thoughts about a co-worker. And, if we consider that most of the affairs develop between co-workers, we can see how daily contacts with other people can facilitate the development of feelings, friendships and sexual fantasies.

However, even though all of us are exposed to these daily opportunities, it is important to know the difference between fantasy and reality, and be mindful of not going over the threshold between the two, unless we are quite clear this is what we want to do and have thought through this decision. While some affairs may develop into healthy, long lasting relationships, statistics indicate that very few lovers actually stay together for more than four years. And, of those who marry, 75% end up in divorce (Ceo, 2009.)

We will discuss elements that contribute to the occurrence of most affairs. These are grouped under three major headings: situational, psychological and physical elements and will be discussed in this and subsequent blogs.

Let’s begin with situational elements. Are certain situations more likely to make people vulnerable to extra marital infidelity?

Some situations are typical of long term relationships. When people have been in a monogamous romantic relationship for some time, the initial spark and passion for one another typically decreases. The predictability of married life, added to external stressors such as little children, busy schedules, financial strain and spousal disagreements and conflicts, can lead to dissatisfaction between romantic partners and lack of or dissatisfying emotional and physical connection with one another. These conditions may make one or the other partner more vulnerable to an extra marital infidelity. The affair can function as distraction from the nitty-gritty of daily life, and is seen by the person who engages in it as an oasis in the middle of a desert, a cocoon devoid of stress, where communication is open and sexual and emotional needs can be reciprocally fulfilled.

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