Dr. Roher

Thanksgiving is almost here, and Christmas, Hanukkah and New Year’s are not far behind. While these are exciting times most of us look forward to, they often are very stressful times as well. Food needs to be prepared. Houses need to be cleaned and organized. Trips need to be planned. Gifts need to be bought and exchanged. Kids are expected to be well behaved and charming with family members and other guests. Even the pets are expected to be on their best behavior… But really?

While we are happy this time of the year is just around the corner, we may also feel overwhelmed by everything we want to get done TO PERFECTION before our family gets here, or before we go and visit them. We may create unrealistic expectations for ourselves and others. We may idealize what will happen. In our minds everything will be just the way we want it to be: everybody will get along with everybody else; each one will be happy to be together and will be at their best. Wonderful memories will be created that will be cherished for many years to come.

Holidays can actually be very difficult and stressful times for a lot of us, if we don’t adequately prepare for them. And this means having REALISTIC expectations and letting go of the fantasized views of them that we create in our minds. These fantasized views are exactly fantasies, not reality. They are fed by romantic pictures we see on television or in magazines, where everybody is happy and everything looks wonderful and super easy to do. But, when we hold on to these fantasized views, often we get disappointed and frustrated, because OUR reality very seldom, if ever, matches those views. We feel angry at whomever we decide was the cause of our disappointment. We don’t understand what happened and why. We grow inpatient and intolerant with the people who don’t follow our master plan.

Is there a solution to all this?

Make a list of what you need to do and keep it simple. Stick to what you know; don’t try new experiments. Review your list of guests and make sure they are suited to one another. Make food preparation easy: do not make an elaborate menu that requires hours and hours, maybe even days of work. In the end, the food may be delicious, but you will be too exhausted to even enjoy it!

Above all, PLAN. Starting a week ahead, write lists of what needs to be done. Organize the list in order of priorities. Some things can be done ahead of time. Others may need to be done at the last minute. Delegate rather than trying to do everything yourself. People typically like to be included and contribute to the celebration. Each person has one or more areas where they excel. Make use of these talents and resources.

Don’t forget to regularly check with yourself how you are holding up: are you tired? How is your level of energy? Are you more impatient and irritable than usual? Are you sleeping well? Do you feel rested when you wake up in the morning? Are you taking time for yourself?

If you keep track of your feelings and listen to what your body is telling you, you can enjoy this wonderful time of celebrations with family and friends.

H A P P Y  H O L I D A Y S!

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From time to time, by following the sexual and emotional escapades of married celebrities, we are reminded of how common and frequent extra-marital affairs are. So much so that latest statistics indicate that in this country 45-55% of all married women and 50-60% of all married men had an affair while in a committed primary relationship (Atwood & Schwartz, 2002.) If we consider unlikely for all cheating people to be married to one another, then we can infer that cheating affects approximately 80% of all marriages in the U.S.! Additionally, recent trends indicate that, under the age of 40, women’s rates of  affairs are getting very close to men’s, closing the gender gap.

This is a departure from a more traditional profile of the cheater as typically male, middle age, sex-starved, looking for excitement and adventure and needing to be made to feel young and attractive again, preferably by a much younger woman than his marital partner. Not that this profile does not exist any more, but it does neither exhaustively describe nor explain why people cheat in a society where sexual mores have become more relaxed and open, and where women are as likely as men to act out their emotional and sexual fantasies .

Other changes in patterns of affairs have to do with the way in which today people connect with one another. The increasing use of the Internet as a social network creates a whole new set of opportunities, and threats. The fact that about 35% of all divorce litigations cite internet affairs as the cause of them attests to the widespread use of the Internet for this purpose. People get in touch with one another after years of disconnection, or they anonymously connect with others in ways that create new virtual networks. About 70% of the time people spend on line is allegedly used to visit “chat rooms” or sending/receiving e-mails. The vast majority of interactions in chat rooms are of a romantic nature (Adamse & Motta, 2000.) Because all this was unheard of just a decade ago, we are just beginning to grasp its importance and its effects on intimacy and love.

One of the astonishing differences between romance and sex in cyberspace and in real time is that more than half of all men and women who engage in cyberspace romance and sex believe what they do is not adultery. I believe this contributes to lowering the threshold between thinking and wishing to have an affair on the one hand, and carrying it out on the other. This belief, in fact, by lowering one’s inhibitions and reducing guilt, increases acting out emotionally and sexually.

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What happens to couples when they are forced by external circumstances to live together? How does this situation affect each partner and their children, if couples have children? I suggest that, rather than fighting their situation – which does not solve the problem anyway – couples should face what is happening to them, understand how they got to this point and explore ways of possibly reconnecting with one another, or let go of their relationship in a healthy way.

Areas of common ground in their distressed relationship can become the starting point of alliance. One such common ground is their children, if they have any. Usually, both partners want to be good parents, no matter how bad their relationship with one another is. Other areas can be extended families, friends, assets and goals couples may have been working on together and other areas that were and still are meaningful to both of them.

Focusing on children can bring out patience, acceptance and flexibility, even in distressed couples. Because they have no choice, partners need to address parenting issues now, rather than when they are apart. And, when they are still living together, there seems to be less room for parental alienation, as it is in both their interests to make sure children are adjusting well. Children, on their part, may have the opportunity to go to either parent with any question they might have or for support. Though there may still be attempts by each partner to be” the better parent” of the two, there may also be a stronger need for closer collaboration and support.

When in couple counseling, couples often become more conscious of the repercussions of their decisions on children. Here the focus is on teaching couples how to become more aware of their children’s reactions to the current family situation. This awareness helps them reach decisions that are more fair and sensitive to the feelings and needs of all involved. This process, though challenging and difficult, facilitates the development of empathy and compassion. Partners can appreciate each other’s intent to do their best in order to protect their children from emotional harm.

Couples learn that, even at this stage in a relationship, they model to their children how to deal with life challenges and responsibilities, as ending relationships is part of life. Invested in this role, parents are helped to restrain from acting inappropriately with one another, particularly in front of their kids. Also, time together may help them find healthy ways of dealing with their relationship, rather than making precipitous decisions based on the emotions of the moment.

The most important gift to couples is that this situation allows time for reflecting and thinking about how they got to this point. If they are willing to do the necessary work, couples may begin to tease out what emotions belong to the relationship and what is triggered by events and situations outside of it. They can ally and collaborate in dealing with the external challenges that affect both of them, rather than allowing these external challenges become a wedge in the relationship.

Helping couples understand the impact of external stressors on their relationship can help shift the focus from each other to the reasons why they feel the way they do about themselves, each other, and their external environment.

In relationship counseling with couples who experience high conflict as consequence of the current economic recession, the goal often is narrower and more focused than in marital counseling. Teaching constructive communication skills and effective ways of problem solving can be far more beneficial than undertaking the enormous task of “fixing” the relationship.

It is difficult to know what will happen once partners decide to work together, even at this late stage of disconnection, but a better understanding of how partners got to this place with one another could open up options on how each couple wants to proceed. Even if couples decide that they no longer want to be together and they are clear about their decision, the process of disengagement from each other can be facilitated by increased understanding, better communication and deeper awareness of issues and dynamics. These tools will serve them well in the future, with each other and with other people.

Having time to think and reflect, rather than acting precipitously and reactively, can make the difference between a mature and healthy way for partners in intimate relationships to go their separate ways and a break up without closure.

Optimally, this time to reflect can create a place for couples to examine their emotions for each other and even be able to make a paradigm shift between seeing each other as enemies to finding areas of collaboration and re-connection.

The key here to communicate openly and harmoniously.

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The current recession in the US presents some unique challenges to couples. This is due to a very specific set of circumstances that came together in the past two years, particularly in the Southwest and in Florida. Adding to job loss and depletion of savings, couples in these parts of the country had the added stress of dealing with the loss of their homes. And this happened almost overnight. Because the real estate market was hit so hard and so deeply by the recession in places like the Phoenix metropolitan area in Arizona where I live and work, couples found the values of their homes drop suddenly and with no forewarning. Houses are now worth on average 31% less than they were just a couple of years ago, and in some neighborhoods less than 50%. And nobody is buying them!

For most couples, owning their home has historically been a point of pride and an opportunity to live the American dream of upward mobility and independence. It is also their main investment. Add to this picture the use of “creative” mortgages that encouraged people to buy the biggest house they could afford with almost no money down, with the expectation of later rewards, when their home increased in value, and you have a perfect storm.

And a perfect storm was exactly what hit many couples who, when the real estate market collapsed, felt trapped in their own homes. A lot of couples found themselves upside down in their mortgages and unable to make their monthly payments. After months and months of surviving under very strenuous conditions, a lot of couples depleted their economic resources. In many cases one or both partners lost their jobs or had to take a pay cut. As men felt the impact of this economic catastrophe, they displaced their stress onto their primary relationships. Women, whose level of stress is directly influenced by what happens in their relationships, saw their stress level rise as well. Conflicts between partners increased, while at the same time the possibility of physically separating became less and less of an option for most couples. Living together was at times the only alternative open to them, at least until it was hoped things would get better.

It must be extremely difficult to live together when at least one spouse wants out and begin processing the loss of the relationship when the other partner is still around. The appearance of normality may make the hurt deeper and more painful. While hurt may build up in one partner, resentment may build up in the other, as she or he feels trapped, watched, controlled and often criticized by the other.

If couples do not do anything to improve their situation, they will continue to chip away at the foundations of their relationship until nothing will be left, in the process building thicker walls between them and preventing any healthy communication from taking place.

As a psychotherapist, I see both problems and potential benefits stemming from couples living together because their economic circumstances do not allow them to move apart. I suggest that these strenuous conditions may have not only negative effects, which are clear to see but also, potentially, positive ones. This is so because, while some couples may emotionally disconnect from one another in order to make their living arrangements more tolerable, others may decide to seek marriage counseling, or work on their relationship in other ways. Even for those who may feel past repairing the damage in their relationship, the need to learn to deal with one another is still an important part of ending their relationship.

When we are overwhelmed, preoccupied, scared or angry, we cannot access any feeling of love. The powerful emotions triggered by external stressors, in fact, prevent us from feeling anything else. Couples, therefore, often convince themselves that there is no love left for one another, and thus see their relationships as being over.

In the next post we will discuss how to become more aware of ALL our feelings, so we can make better decisions about how to act.

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A clear correlation between economic pressure and interpersonal conflict in intimate relationships has been established by many experts in relationships.

In a 2005 paper on “The Effects of Economic Pressure on Marital Conflict in Romania” (Journal of Family Psychology, 2005, Vol. 19. No 2, 246-251), for instance, M. Robila and A. Krishnakumar studied this correlation in post-communist Romania. Here the political changes in the process of transition from communism to capitalism created severe economic difficulties for families. Many Romanian couples were not adequately prepared for such transition that brought with it severe challenges and new problems, which they did not know how to handle.

Robila and Krishnakumar’s conclusions are that high levels of marital conflict presented aspects similar to those of their counterparts in the U.S. and other parts of the world, when exposed to comparable economic stressors.

Couples throughout the world, when exposed to economic distress, show higher incidences of interpersonal conflict, depression, domestic violence and substance abuse.

Isolation is an important condition that aggravates stress in couples. When they experience economic difficulties, most couples tend to isolate from extended families and friends, because there is shame in being in their position. A tendency to cover up what is really going on eliminates opportunities for sharing one’s feelings and achieving better ways of managing them without letting them become overwhelming. When couples don’t have a support system outside of their relationship, they only have each other to rely on for support and comfort. What they need, however, may not be available to one another, because of lack of empathy for each other’s feelings and needs.

Bad economic times are frequently reflected in falling divorce rates, as indicated in studies about the great depression and economic hard times in other areas of the world. This is mainly due to the lack of financial opportunities for couples, who cannot afford to split up. Gregory Rodriguez, in an article titled “Divorce and Hard Times” (the Los Angeles Times, July 13, 2009), predicts an increased rate of divorces as soon as this recession will be over.

Is what’s happening in the US today similar to what happened to couples during the Great Depression and what happened to Romanian couples as their country transitioned from communism to capitalism?

In the following posts we will discuss some unique challenges US couples face today ad explore way of providing help and open new options to them.

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A lot has been written on the various areas of our lives affected by the current economic recession. One area that deserves attention, albeit not as immediately identifiable as others, is that of intimate relationships. When under a lot of stress, intimate relationships often cease to be haven from the storm, and can become the target of the storm. There is more tension and less energy for couples to address the issues and conflicts in their relationship, as they already feel overwhelmed by all the other stressors in their lives.

Let me explain why intimate relationships can become casualties during hard economic times. One defense mechanism most of us use at one time or another is displacement, an unconscious process by which we shift emotions from one area to another. Typically we shift from one area where we have no or little control to another where we think we have more control. This process helps us manage stress by compensating and balancing things out. We make use of this unconscious process when we have to deal with situations that are particularly stressful and painful to endure.

A perfect example of displacement is what happens when we get reprimanded by our boss at work. We have no control over his or her behavior, and we cannot truly express how we feel about this situation. So, when we come home, we may become intolerant with the dog, impatient with our children, or irritable with our mate. The emotions we feel and express at home have been displaced from the work situation onto our loved ones. As displacement is a completely unconscious mechanism, this occurs without us being aware of what we are doing. We believe the real causes of our irritation or disaffection are indeed our dog, our children or our mate.

Displacement creates a means of expressing our emotions in “safe” ways, while distracting us from what is really upsetting and compensating for it. Arguments, misunderstandings, and disappointments with our loved ones are likely to develop and not get resolved. Frustrations and resentments lead to fights and eventually to emotional disconnection. Thoughts of separation and divorce are more common at times of chronic or sudden severe stress. Yet often we don’t make the connection between our feelings and what causes them. Instead, we feel our desire to leave our mate is warranted. We reinforce these views by dredging up anything and everything negative we can think about her or him. This reinforces our current position and, in our eyes, justifies it.

Of course, this does not mean that every time couples think of splitting up it is because of displacement. However, displacement may account for the increased rates of conflict in intimate relationships during times of severe stress.

What are the external factors that are contributing to increased rates of interpersonal conflicts for couples? Some of them are traditionally associated with challenging economic times in general; some are unique to this recession. In the following three blogs I will examine these factors and discuss them.

If you are personally experiencing challenges in your primary intimate relationship, we would like to hear your thoughts. Or, if you have an opinion on this subject even though you are not directly affected by the current economic problems, please share it with us.

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Love is like a tree: both need good soil, water and the protection provided by a safe environment in order to grow and be healthy.

There are many parallels between what happens in nature and what goes on between two people who love each other. In both situations there is a need to have strong roots that can spread wide and deep into the soil, providing stability, strength and security.

This need for security, both in nature and in love, cannot be overemphasized. Without security, fear creeps in and affects our view of reality both around and within us. When in fear, we search for protection. We don’t make ourselves vulnerable because it is not safe to do so. We don’t take risks, like opening up to our mate and sharing thoughts and feelings about us, because this would increase vulnerability. When fear is present, therefore, closeness and intimacy are impossible to achieve and maintain.

Trees need to develop strong roots in order to withstand nature’s storms and other calamities, just like love has to develop deep and strong roots in order to withstand the storms of life.

What are the human roots? They are the many ways in which two people in love maintain connections with one another. These range from remembering each other’s special days to favorite activities and interests, to being aware of a partner’s points of hurt and trauma.

Storms are unpredictable in their power and destruction. We can never fully predict when they will occur and how strong they are going to be, nor will we ever be able to be fully prepared for them, but we certainly can improve the odds of withstanding them.

Storms are particularly dangerous if they strike in areas where there already is weakness. A tree that is bent, or whose roots are exposed is more vulnerable to storms than a tree that is strong and solidly planted.

In love too we are most affected by the storms of life when they hit us in our weakest areas. These are areas where wounds from the past may not have fully healed yet. These become “faulty lines”, points of exposure in our emotional lives. As in trees, these areas of weakness reflect past experiences that wounded us and created a fragility that now makes us more vulnerable.

Storms, both with trees and with love, can happen suddenly, without forewarning, with a powerful, destructive force that kills.

In love, likewise, some storms are so powerful, sudden and destructive that everything on their path gets destroyed. A sudden illness, as addiction, violence and other traumatic experiences are examples of these powerful and destructive storms. Other storms are not so totally devastating, though they also cause damage, particularly if not addressed and dealt with.

In nature, storms erode the soil and wash it downhill, exposing the tree roots.

As tree roots become exposed, they are no longer able to anchor trees to the soil. Trees are no longer as protected.

When trees are no longer firmly grounded, strong winds and rain can become much more destructive. While they do their best to stay anchored to the ground, trees progressively lose their strength. Resisting storms becomes a tough battle for them to win.

As we can see, the more exposed the roots, the weaker and the more vulnerable trees become.

The same is true for couples: weakened by the stresses and pressures of life, what provided security and strength to them – romantic partners’ connections to one another – are increasingly less available. With each new storm, the unhealed wounds from the past get re-opened and they fester. Couples disconnect in order to protect themselves, increasing the distance between them and further reducing communication. And this happens at a time when both partners need each other and the power and strength of their love in order to better cope with whatever problems are facing them!

If nothing is done to remedy the situation, both trees and love will perish.

Couples at this point may feel there is no love left for one another. They become overburdened by challenges that feel insurmountable. Each partner feels abandoned by the other. Both are ready to give up and go their own separate ways, or settle for a miserable, loveless life together.

But there is still a possibility for renewal, both in nature and in love.

In nature, from what looked like a dead stump, at times new growth starts to appear

This is a new beginning, a renewed opportunity to grow and become strong. In love, if couples don’t give up and give in to their feelings of powerlessness, discontent, disappointment and hurt, they may be able to rebuild their relationship, just like trees that are born out of old, dead stumps.

New growth in trees is an indication that, even though on the surface everything seemed dead, there was still a spark of life somewhere deep down in the roots. From this little spark of life, a new beginning is generated, a renewed life that derives its energy from what was there before.

In love the spark may still be rekindled if partners believe in its power. Most of the time, it’s not that love for one another is completely gone. It is just no longer accessible, buried as it is by layers and layers of emotions – anger, frustration, fear, disgust, disappointment and other emotions – that lead to emotional disconnection.

It is possible to rekindle the feelings of love if, and only if, we are willing and able to face the issues TOGETHER, get in touch with our emotions and share this experience with each other. Love is resilient. Our openness – or closeness – to it facilitates or excludes the possibility of feeling it again. Both trees and human beings can thus grow healthy and strong.

A new road opens up, full of possibilities

And, with it, a new way of looking at life, as the sun comes out for a brand new day

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Affective relationships give us a sense of purpose and provide added meanings to our lives, actions, and choices, as they create powerful motivations to set and pursue goals which aim is that of maintaining them. They affect us deeply, offering us opportunities to feel and express emotions that come from our universal need to be in intimate relationships where we love and are loved.

Sharing our experiences and emotions enriches us and helps us manage our uncomfortable emotions, better adapting to life’s challenges and partaking of the joys of life in deeper and fuller ways.

But what is this feeling we call love? Love is not a single feeling, but a complex of many emotions – tenderness, attraction, resentment, frustration, longing, respect, anger, admiration, disappointment, and so on – that are felt at different times with different intensity.

When we are in a good place with our partner, we mostly feel the wish to be together, as the sexual attraction and the feelings of comfort and security are the ones we are most aware of. After we had an argument, on the other hand, we may be hurt and frustrated, upset and disappointed and may fear things will never again be the same as before. We may be angry and focus on our partner’s negative traits. This anger, in turn, keeps us apart. When we feel emotionally distant from one another, we may feel numb and out of touch with our emotions. We may not be interested in exploring what is going on, as some of our feelings are turned off. Or, we may experience deep longing and sadness. When we feel rejected, as when our love is unrequited, we panic and feel deeply hurt. We are in agony, and cannot soothe ourselves or see anything positive in any other area of our lives.

As we go through different life experiences, we are affected and changed by them, each generating different feelings and reactions in us. To go through these changes is part and parcel of being alive, as every experience brings with it different feelings and throws a different light on how we experience life and who we are. So, no wonder why people in intimate love relationships are at times confused and dismayed by the many emotional changes they and their partners undergo during the course of their relationship, and afraid for their future together!

Maintaining a loved relationship is a balancing act, at times challenging, at times frustrating, but always worthwhile. At times, to stay connected with a loved one seems like an impossible task, particularly when we are struggling with some personal emotional issues that reduce our abilities to stay connected and increase our anxieties and fears.

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All intimate relationships are supported by two pillars: Intimacy andSafety.

Intimacy implies both closeness and communication (Holmes, J.Attachment, Intimacy, Autonomy, J. Aronson, 1996.) The more we communicate with one another, the closer we get. The closer we get, the easier and deeper our communication. Intimacy develops gradually, as couples share personal information of an emotional nature with each other. What is shared can be a relevant experience, a personal reflection, or an opinion or view that shows one’s beliefs and philosophy, ways of seeing things, of interpreting reality around and within us. Whatever it is, it is information that this person regards as deeply personal. At times it is the first time this information is shared with another person. At times, it is shared in a newly and deeply felt way, which makes it different than in the past. This experience ties two people together in unique ways and deepens their feelings for one another.

Sharing in a deep, personal way not only facilitates intimacy with another human being, but also sheds light into our inner lives, aiding self awareness and increasing insight. As we verbally communicate our emotions, we get to know ourselves better, and we become more sophisticated and willing to share

As one partner shares, the other responds with empathy. Empathy is the ability to put him/herself in the other person’s shoes, and feel what the other person feels. The expression of empathy, in turn, is conducive to more sharing. This process creates an emotional connection between two individuals that gets deeper as the sharing continues. With time, partners come to know each other not only by what they say, but also by what they don’t say. Intimacy requires closeness, as we said, but also the ability to let our partner be separate from us.

It is important that each partner is both part of the couple and an individual in his or her own right. Each needs to maintain an individual identity and this is fostered and encouraged. The more we can be ourselves in an intimate relationship, the more comfortable we are in it. The more our partner is threatened by who we are, the more we feel we have to choose – be ourselves or be in the relationship -  the more we come to resent being put in this position.

We all know women, in general, have easier time sharing emotional information and feeling empathy than men. There are many possible reasons for this gender difference. It could be that our culture tolerates emotional sharing from women but not from men, accepting and even encouraging opening on their part. It could be that the close relationship women are able to maintain with their mothers past adolescence increases their comfort and appreciation for emotional closeness throughout life. Or it could be a genetic predisposition, possibly due to women’s traditional nurturing roles of bearing and raising children, that allows them to be more in touch with their emotions and more verbal about them and more empathic to others’ feelings than men.

Be as it may, when men are emotionally sharing in intimate relationships, both men and women feel there is intimacy between them. However, if only women are emotionally sharing, both partners feel there is no intimacy. It is thus male disclosure of emotional information and his ability to feel empathy that determines the level of intimacy in the relationship, as perceived by both partners. (Mitchell et al. 2008. Predictors of Intimacy in Couples’ Discussions of Relationship Injuries: An Observational Study. Journal of Family Psychology, 22, 21-29.)

These findings point to the need to encourage and facilitate disclosure of emotional information on men’s part, in order to nurture the development of intimacy in couples.

These are things that can be done to facilitate this process:

*Provide encouragement and support for men to open up without threatening their cultural and personal expectations of what a man should act like.

*Reward disclosures, so that there will be more comfort and less resistance to them in the future.

*Be more aware of men’s attempts to disclose and ways of doing so, as these may follow different paths than women’s disclosures and need to be identified.

*Create an environment where it is safe to disclose, because disclosing makes one vulnerable. One way of doing so is to be the first to disclose, modeling what to do and how to do it.

Emotional and physical safety, as the word implies, develops when the two partners can let their guards down when together and fully express who they are.  Intimate relationships, when healthy, provide a feeling of comfort and security to the two people involved. They also provide a sense of meaning and purpose to their lives.

An old Irish proverb states that “We live in the shelter of each other”, referring to the comfort and safety provided by intimate relationships. We feel at home with our loved ones, we feel protected, heard and loved by them. When this is occurring, intimate relationships become the secure bases from which partners can launch themselves into new ventures and experiences and to which they return when needed. Feeling emotionally safe means each partner trusts that the other will be available and responsive when needed.

Safety and intimacy cannot exist without each other. When there are problems, one or the other or both are at risk. Partners become defensive when together and they are afraid to share their inner lives with one another.

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Is there a reason why about 50% of American households today have a dog or a cat as a pet, aside from the fact that they are cute?

Of course there is. In fact, many people have more than one pet, particularly a dog or cat. These animals enrich our quality of life, provide companionship, reduce loneliness and, in general, keep us happier and healthier.

In study after study, pet owners scored higher in all measures of happiness, adjustment and good health compared to those without pets. In particular, the elderly who are pet owners fare much better in most areas than their peers without pets, including increased survival from coronary artery disease!

The notion that pets are good for people who live alone is known to be true, but pet owners fare better whether or not they live with other family members. So pets improve their owners’ lives under any circumstance.

What is it that makes relationships between humans and pets so important?

Humans have a need to be emotionally connected with other individuals in attachment bonds that get stronger with increased exposure. This is why people banded together since the beginning of time, and humans and pets have been living together for thousands of years.

Attachment to another human being provides a sense of inner well-being and emotional security for all of us, particularly at times of stress, when the comfort and reassurance provided by this bond reduces fears and makes anxieties easier to contain.

Pets in a lot of ways are like little children, who need someone to protect and look after them. As children they respond in ways that are cute and charming, reinforcing our need to care for them. Pets are our children who never grow up and leave us, as they continue to need our care and affection throughout their lives.

Human relationships with dogs and cats also contain elements of attachment, as we protect, nurture and love them and they provide us with acceptance, constant proximity, responsiveness and unconditional love. All this reduces psychological distress and increases our feelings of happiness.

While all this is true at any time in life, pets are particularly important at times of grief and sorrow, at times of transition and at times of loneliness caused by a major loss.

So, do you have a pet? If so, how do you feel about your relationship with it? Do you have stories to share about your experiences as a pet owner?

This is my pet, Mozart.

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