Why, you may ask? Because, after the frenetic activities of the holidays, the lack of partners’ focus on each other, and the tendency to put each other on the back burner due to other activities going on, intimate relationships in January tend to feel depleted and partners may question their bond and their feelings for one another. Love relationships suffer at this time because the holidays may have brought a lot of excitement and newness with travelling; celebrating with friends and family, gift giving and holiday cheers, and now all this is gone. So, if you and your partner feel down, facing the relational doldrums of everyday life with little excitement and not much to look forward to, you are not alone

It is easy to displace frustrations and lack of enjoyment from the loss of sensational and extraordinary activities in our lives to lack of excitement in our primary relationship. While you may feel disappointed about what’s gone, however, you need to turn the situation around by creating renewed freshness and enthusiasm about each other again.

It is quite possible that you may want you partner to be emotionally and physically available to you, with a positive, caring and responsive attitude and a willingness to respond to your demands and needs, but perhaps your partner wants and needs the same from you and neither of you is getting what you want and need. Typically, when this happens each partner will do one of two things: he or she will either become louder in asking for what’s needed, or shut down and disconnect. Though understandable, it goes without saying that neither of these reactions produces healthy results, because neither provides what one partner is looking for from the other.

So, make sure you devote the time, attention and care to your loved one by setting up New Year’s resolutions for your relationship. By the way, had you ever heard of New Year’s Resolutions for couples? If not, you are not the only one, as most of people’s New Year’s resolutions tend to be about individual goals – losing those extra pounds; plan to exercise more and more regularly; take care of what you have been ignoring or procrastinating; create more balance in your life, and so on – but what about setting up a New Year’s resolution about your relationship with your life partner? Being in a healthy intimate relationship is a very foundational part of being happy. So, taking care of what’s going on with your partner is a very important task.

Think about your own love relationship and see if you can see where more attention and care are needed at this time. Write a list of things you are willing to do in areas where you would like to see improvement, and begin to be more aware of what you may be doing to contribute to the current situation – you being part of the problem – as well as to improve it – you being part of the solution.

In the next blog I will list some specific ways in which you can begin to feed your relationship and get it out of the current sad state it is in and into a more exciting and healthy one. So, stay tuned!

Susan and I worked like two little ants for months and months to get our book, “Couples at the Crossroads. Five Steps to Finding Your Way Back to Love” ready for you. Then, when we finally thought it was ready, we “snuck” it in and, voila, here it is, on Amazon.com.

How do we feel about it? Almost like we had to let go of a dear friend who had been with us for years. We knew all along that one day we would have to let go of this friend; that we would have to push our feelings of wanting to be together forever aside and support his move toward independence, but it was difficult nonetheless to say goodbye. With letting go of the book, it was difficult to stop our tendency to make one more revision, one more comment, one little correction here or there, one more clarification; one more idea… Once the book was finished, we knew we had to let go, and we finally did.

It also feels a little scary, as you and everybody else can now buy our book, read it and make comments on what we said, how we said it; what we left out and what we said more than once.

But, above all, we feel excited and very, very happy. We truly believe our book can provide help for couples like you who struggle in their relationships and are desperate to understand how they got where they are; how they can find a clear path to follow and acquire the necessary tools to move out of the pain. We know the book will be helpful to you because it contains a lot of the same things we speak of in our clinical sessions with couples. And we see how these couples, slowly but surely, begin to move from their place of pain to a place of gradual openness, as they become more hopeful. We see them when they begin to look at each other with different eyes; reverse the previous patterns of mutual hostility and disconnection, and find love for one another again.

What do you think? Interested? Do you want to check our book out? Click on the link below and the book will open in a new window or tab. Just open the first page and scroll through its Table of Contents, Preface and Introduction. This brief preview will make you want to know more…

Couples at the Crossroads: Five Steps to Finding Your Way Back to Love – Preview

This is how it works:

•Select a room in the house that is quiet and where you won’t have any interruptions. Turn your phone off and forget about it for five minutes or so. Tell your partner, children, pets and anyone else who may be in the house not to disturb you until you come out of the room again.
•Find a comfortable chair to sit on.
•Lower the lights but make sure that the room is not totally dark.
•Close your eyes.
•Now, think about the most salient part of your day: was it successful? Did you accomplish everything you had set up to do? Why did you choose that particular moment of the day, instead of any other?
•Observe your feelings as you think about that particular moment: are you anxious, tense, happy, relaxed, upset, or anything else?
•Don’t try to talk yourself into changing your feelings, reassure yourself if you feel insecure, or chastise yourself if you made a mistake. Just observe with no judgment.
•If the moment was a successful one, congratulate yourself.
•If the moment was not successful, think if there anything you can do right now to settle whatever wasn’t settled during the day, like writing yourself a note for something you can do tomorrow.
•Now, focus on letting go. Observe, with your eyes closed, how whatever it is that you were thinking about is moving, slowly, further and further away from you, until it disappears entirely.
•Tell yourself it is gone now and commit to not revisiting until tomorrow.
•Return to the present moment and the room you are in.
•Open your eyes and observe what’s around you.
•Shift in your mind from what you were thinking earlier to where you are right now.

You can now go back to your family or to doing whatever it is that you want to do before going to bed. You will find that you are better able to relax and keep good boundaries between where you were earlier in the day and where you are now.

Try to practice this every night, ideally at about the same time and following the same routine.

Good night!

What is stress? Stress is a normal physical response to situations that are perceived as being dangerous. We perceive our abilities to cope with this danger as being inadequate to handle it. So, we get ready for a fight or flight. When we face a danger, our breathing and heart beat increase, and so does our blood pressure; we sweat, we feel a rush of adrenaline; our muscles get tense, and we become very alert. Stress, therefore, is nature’s ways of protecting us by shifting our body responses into high gear and thus increasing our chances of survival. In this way, we get ready to deal with the danger.

Some stress is to be expected, and, in fact, it can be even positive. However, when it gets too intense, or when it becomes a chronic way of life, we are likely to experience serious health problems, both physically and emotionally.

If the stress persists, in fact, our body can develop symptoms like aches and pain all over our body; we may suffer from digestive problems, we may have difficulties concentrating and remembering; we may feel anxious most of the time, irritable, overwhelmed; we cannot relax. I could go on and on, but you get my point of why acute or chronic stresses are bad for you.

And who wants all this?

When we feel stressed, we try to cope with all these symptoms by getting our minds off the areas that cause stress. However, while some of these ways are healthy, some are not. Drinking too much, for instance, or relying on drugs, cigarettes, overeating or oversleeping obviously are not good ways of coping with stress. They don’t remove the cause of it and don’t help us learn good and healthy coping skills. They are, however, quite popular because, temporarily, they allow us to tune out how we feel, so we can better manage our emotions and relax for a little bit. When their effects are over, though, we find ourselves in the same original position we were in at the beginning, or even worse, and this pushes us to seek more relief by using again. Eventually we become dependent on some substance to make us feel better, in this way adding another problem to the original one.

Some healthy ways of dealing with stress, temporarily, are: taking a relaxing bath; going for a walk; doing some relaxation and meditation exercises; listening to calming music, and so on. These are ways of getting our minds off the reason(s) for our stress and, giving us a needed break. However, they don’t address the cause(s) of the problem. So, none of the ways we discussed so far, be them healthy or unhealthy, really help you in the long run.

Are there better ways of coping with stress? Absolutely there are. These are ways that help reduce the distance between the seriousness of the problem and our abilities to cope with it. Once we feel that we have the ability to handle a stressful situation, in fact, we can reduce the amount of stress we feel.

In the following blog we will discuss some of these healthy ways of assessing both situations that can create stress and our resources in dealing with them.
Think of some of the ways in which you cope with stress: what’s helpful and effective to you? Write down some of your answers and compare them to what we will suggest in our next blog!

You have discovered your partner has been sexting with a coworker for a few weeks: How should you handle the situation?

You may feel at first totally blown away by the discovery. You can’t imagine your partner as someone who would sext behind your back. You always thought this person was honest and trustworthy. Now you don’t know what to think any longer. You begin to question anything and everything. “Did I make a mistake?” You ask yourself. “What is it that I missed?” and “Is there more that I still don’t know?”

You feel like the ground you have been walking on has suddenly opened up under your feet and now you are suspended over an abyss and you don’t know how deep it is. You feel you can’t really talk to anyone about this, because you feel humiliated, embarrassed, and very uncomfortable. So you keep everything inside while you try to sort out your mixed feelings and come up with a plan. You feel angry. How could your partner do this to you? You don’t deserve it. You have always been honest and loyal. You had always stated the importance of being honest with one another and speak the truth, so how could this happen?

Then you question your relationship: is there something that could explain your partner’s behavior? Perhaps the two of you haven’t been very close lately. Perhaps you have been too focused on work, or the children, or your family… But then again, you wouldn’t do it no matter what, so why are you taking the blame? Your partner did it, not you. So the anger comes back and burns you from the inside.

Then you may question your sexual life together. Was it too boring for your partner? Lately you hadn’t been romantic very much with one another… Perhaps had you been more aware of each other’s sexual needs…

And then you go back to being furious and believing you don’t deserve this.

All these feelings and the emotional yo-yo you are in are normal reactions to a piece of news that has shattered your previous view of your partner and your relationship. What should you do?

You need to discuss what you found out with your partner. AND DON’T DELAY IT! No matter how difficult, uncomfortable, awkward and challenging that conversation is going to be, you cannot avoid it, or you will be left with all these questions, doubts and confusion in your head, which will get worse with time, not better.

But, before you talk to your partner, ask yourself how your partner’s sexting has impacted you: do you think this rupture in the relationship can be repaired? Do you want to work at repairing it? If you answered yes to these questions, then get ready to discuss the sexting with your partner.

As much as possible, try to be calm when you begin, rather than going on the attack right away, as much as you would like to do so. Instead, ask questions. Listen. Withhold judgment temporarily to allow for communication to take place. Try to understand – you don’t have to agree – why this happened and what your partner gets from these activities.

Remember that relationships are not measured so much by the problems, but by partners’ abilities to repair the problem areas. Is your partner remorseful? Is he or she concerned about these actions and agreeable to correct them by talking with you, or seeking professional help, if needed? Does your partner realize the impact these actions have on you? The more positive answers you have to these and similar questions, the more hopeful your situation is.

In the next blog, we will discuss what happens after disclosure. Stay with us.

This attitude is often due to a temporary suspension of clear thinking these people experience when in the throw of intense desires. This suspension of judgment prevents them from reflecting on the meaning and consequences of their actions. In these cases, they act as though they were above all social and moral conventions. They may believe, unrealistically, that they can get away with what they are doing without any negative repercussions, as they tend to minimize their actions and overvalue their abilities to keep them hidden from others. When caught, they show bravado, even hubris, in justifying their actions

Yes, it is true that powerful alpha males may have more propensities for lusty conquests, as Dr. Fisher stated. They also have more resources available, which makes it easier for them to create opportunities for sexual enjoyment. The long list of politicians caught in illicit affairs and sexual activities seems to confirm this view. Add to this the fact that the media, who in the past protected these kind of “private’ activities in public people, now seem to have no qualms in exposing and sensationalizing them. This makes all of us more aware of the extent of these dysfunctional activities and of how people respond to getting exposed. The recent case of the congressman caught sexting is a case in point.

While there doesn’t seem to be any doubt that voracious sexual appetites and acting out on them may be elements associated with power, drive, success and inflated self confidence, the challenge to restrain from acting on their urges is not theirs alone. All people, at one point or another, have fought with their urges, caught on the one hand with what they want to do and, on the other, with doing the ‘right’ thing. To explain the actions of high testosterone people as purely physiological and to a great extent out of their control is too superficial and simplistic. Furthermore, this explanation seems to provide an easy justification for these people as not being able to help themselves.

The conception of manhood in the Western tradition historically emphasized the ability to control and restrain one’s sexual desires and sexual acting out through the use of willpower and the intellect as being the measure of a man. So, we may ask, how is masculinity conceptualized and viewed in our society today?

In the next blog we will address this question and discuss whether or not this concept of manhood is still relevant in today’s society.

Please stay with us and contribute to the discussion with your experiences and viewpoints.

According to Helen Fisher, an anthropologist who has been studying the role of hormones in human behaviors, people who have high testosterone levels are most likely to find this technology appealing and use it, at times inappropriately, because when the desire strikes, they don’t think but act impulsively. And since, according to Dr. Fisher, high sex drive and ambition go hand in hand, it is understandable why some men whose moral, social and political stature, one would think should provide a deterrent for these actions, are in fact particularly attracted to it. Other scientists, likewise, point out that throughout history successful and ambitious men had huge sexual appetites and expressed them openly. So, this seems to be something to be expected, not surprising.

The physiological explanation on the role of hormones may help understand why some men are more attracted to and may be more likely users of this technology than others. However, it leaves out other elements that play an important role in either mitigating or reinforcing these kinds of behaviors. I am referring to the different emotional, social, cultural and religious influences in a person’s life. The way a child is raised; the modeling from his parents and his community at large; the exposure and influence of religious/moral teachings and, later in his life, the cultural expectations about what constitutes being a man, all mold his views of how to be in intimate relationships and affect his attitudes and behaviors about sex.

How people use sexting can give us a glimpse into their minds so, in the next blogs we will go further into this discussion, and explore some general traits that apply to regular users of sexting.

Please stay with us and contribute to the discussion with your experiences and viewpoints.

There are two myths about this practice that need to be challenged:

1. Only teenagers do it. Not true. According to a recent survey, “The Internet and American Life Project” by the Pew Research Center, the practice of sexting is most common not among teenagers, but among the 18-29 age bracket population. And, even though it is not as frequent, it is also popular with the 30-49 year old crowd.

2. It is not that common. Again, not true. In the 18-29 age bracket, 1/3 of people interviewed admitted to receiving sexually explicit/suggestive photos, and 13% sent them. In the 30-49 age bracket, 17% have received photos and 5% had sent them. Among teenagers, 15% received pictures, and 5% had sent them. And, as this practice becomes more popular, one should expect these numbers to climb.

Increasing use of texting in couples is replacing phone calls in most age brackets with the exception of older adults. Texting has become the way in which intimate partners stay in touch, argue and, yes, are sexually playful with one another.

While texting is faster than a phone call, it is also more anonymous, and this can create room for expressing thoughts and desires that one may not express in person, or even on the phone. The additional use of the camera adds to the attraction of this digital device, making the jump from texting to sexting easily achievable, not only between intimate partners but also between strangers.

Although this way of communicating sexually may be appropriate within the context of a relationship, it can lend itself to unhealthy situations, if used inappropriately and with strangers. Because of the anonymity, in fact, and because this means of communication does not involve physical contact, some users who are committed to intimate relationships and reach out to other sexual partners via sexting may downplay the importance of their actions. They may, in fact, see sexting as not constituting infidelity. Sexting, therefore, can be insidious, creating, as it does, a pseudo ‘safe’ avenue for some people to channel their sexual desires and urges without addressing them IN their primary relationship. Reaching out to strangers in a sexually explicit way, additionally, has a whole set of dangers in and by itself, as can be the case with other digital ways of connecting.

Even though texting is a fairly new phenomenon – its name has been in existence only since 2005 – the underlying motivations are as old as humankind. So, we ask, why are people attracted to this form of sexual communication and who are the people most likely to use it?

While there is no single answer that explains why people are attracted to sexting, nor is there a single profile that applies to every user, there are nonetheless some elements in conjunctions with sexters that are interesting to discuss.

In the next two blogs, some of the explanations people have come up with for the popularity of this practice will be discussed, as well as the underlying causes for the existence, popularity and use of this technology.

In a third blog, the role of this practice in intimate relationships will be discussed.

I don’t think there is a simple yes/no answer, as technology can BOTH enrich and deplete real relationships. We stay in touch with people who live far way through Facebook, phone, e-mail or skype. We can communicate instantly with anybody, just at the touch of a finger. Yet, this same technology can prevent us from being face-to-face with people, as one phone call can just do it. We can “defriend” people we no longer want to associate with just by pressing a key on our keyboard. No second thoughts. No guilt. No embarrassment. We don’t even have to provide long explanations for our decisions. We can maintain more superficial contacts, avoiding getting too personal.

The most important consequence of being hooked on technology, however, is the fragmentation of our time. We cannot go through a meal without checking our Blackberries; we cannot go through a whole conversation without being distracted by our phone ringing, or by texting. Often our attention is spread between more than one focus. This is what I mean by fragmentation. We function in bits: one moment here, one moment there, and back to the first focus, and so on. Children complain their parents don’t give them full attention, as they listen to their days in school while checking their e-mails or texting. The reality is that most of us cannot do more than one thing at a time WELL. When we jump back and forth between different areas, we end up by being fully nowhere. Children, when they notice their parents not paying them full attention as they talk, may believe it’s their fault. Perhaps they are disappointing to the parents, or not interesting enough, or parents don’t love them, they may wonder. Sooner or later they will disconnect as well, creating a rift that won’t be repaired as they grow older. Eventually they, too, will get hooked to technology s they saw their parents do, and fragment their attention between different areas, people and activities.

Another insidious aspect of technology is that it is always available, and responds to our commands without complaining, without throwing a tantrum or disliking us, unlike real people who may do all these things and more. We get used giving commands and be immediately and consistently obeyed. We thus become more impatient with our partners in real life, and expect them to respond to us just like our technological devices do. Some of us may seek refuge in technology altogether, limiting human contact and deluding ourselves that we are “connected” through the use of social media and phone and e-mail interactions.

What can we do to maintain a healthy balance between technology and real life and relationships? The answer is:  MAINTAIN HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. Turn your phone off when your child comes home from school, or when you are having a meal with your spouse, family or a friend. Give the person in front of you your FULL attention when they talk, rather than moving back and forth between the person and the machine that is demanding your attention. Disconnect when you are outside, taking a walk, watering your flowers and, in general, being in contact with nature, or whenever you need a space to think, reflect and enjoy your solitude in order to feel replenished and restored.

Having a purpose

As you plan your retirement, think of what purpose you want your days to have: do you want to learn new skills? Or do you want to volunteer and give back to your community? Do you want to travel, and share with your local school the slides and experiences from your trips? Do you want to get more involved in your neighborhood? Do you want to do philanthropic work? Or do you finally want to learn to play the piano? Whatever you do, think of what purpose your choice will provide in your life and then ask yourself if this is what you want.

Retirement without any planning may lead at best to boredom and disorganization, and at worst to isolation, depression, excessive drinking and disconnection.

Being connected to loved ones is another important element that needs to be included in any retirement plan worth exploring. Being surrounded by loved ones keeps us involved, a part of a group. Loved ones, however, don’t necessarily have to be members of your biological family. They could be good friends, neighbors, fellows in the church or synagogue you attend. They can be people with similar interests to yours, with whom you resonate and feel close. Choosing a community where you can find the kind of neighborhood spirit that makes you feel ‘at home’ is very important, as isolation is dreadful, particularly as we age. So, stay involved in their lives. Ask what’s going on with them. Be interested.

If you plan your retirement right, you will get up each morning looking forward to a new day. You will be active, but not overwhelmingly so. You will feel positive. You will be better able to stay in the present and enjoy it, rather than worrying about what the future will be like for you.

After all, these are the “golden Years.” So, make sure that they are as golden as possible!