This is how it works:

•Select a room in the house that is quiet and where you won’t have any interruptions. Turn your phone off and forget about it for five minutes or so. Tell your partner, children, pets and anyone else who may be in the house not to disturb you until you come out of the room again.
•Find a comfortable chair to sit on.
•Lower the lights but make sure that the room is not totally dark.
•Close your eyes.
•Now, think about the most salient part of your day: was it successful? Did you accomplish everything you had set up to do? Why did you choose that particular moment of the day, instead of any other?
•Observe your feelings as you think about that particular moment: are you anxious, tense, happy, relaxed, upset, or anything else?
•Don’t try to talk yourself into changing your feelings, reassure yourself if you feel insecure, or chastise yourself if you made a mistake. Just observe with no judgment.
•If the moment was a successful one, congratulate yourself.
•If the moment was not successful, think if there anything you can do right now to settle whatever wasn’t settled during the day, like writing yourself a note for something you can do tomorrow.
•Now, focus on letting go. Observe, with your eyes closed, how whatever it is that you were thinking about is moving, slowly, further and further away from you, until it disappears entirely.
•Tell yourself it is gone now and commit to not revisiting until tomorrow.
•Return to the present moment and the room you are in.
•Open your eyes and observe what’s around you.
•Shift in your mind from what you were thinking earlier to where you are right now.

You can now go back to your family or to doing whatever it is that you want to do before going to bed. You will find that you are better able to relax and keep good boundaries between where you were earlier in the day and where you are now.

Try to practice this every night, ideally at about the same time and following the same routine.

Good night!

Because I want to remember this date by offering something that hopefully can shed further light on some of the repercussions of the fateful events of ten years ago.

As a psychotherapist, I am deeply aware of the importance of traumatic events that occur unpredictably and seemingly without any logical reason, such as the events of 9/11 ten years ago. These events affected each of us individually as well as collectively.

We know that the goal of terrorism isn’t only or even primarily to cause physical destruction, but mainly and more subtlety to cause psychological damage to the people targeted by these heinous and random acts.

The main psychological damage of the 9/11 events is that it forever changed the sense of security each of had prior to that day.

Feeling safe is an important need that all humans have. We seek security from birth on, by developing attachment bonds to people we believe will protect us and take care of us, thus creating and preserving a sense of security and emotional and physical safety that we all need. As we grow up, we continue to maintain this need for safety and achieve it by creating relationships and environments around us that keep dangers at bay. In this way, we can keep fear and anxiety under control.

Prior to 9/11 most of the people living in his country felt safe. Though aware of dangers in the world, in fact, most of us in this country nonetheless felt we had a level of safety that allowed us to pursue our goals and interests. After September 11, however, this sense of safety disappeared and our views of life and the world changed forever.

So, what happens when this feeling of security disappears?

Social psychologists tell us that we tend to react to the loss of perceived security in two ways: by feeling “moral outrage” and a need for “moral cleansing.”
Moral outrage is triggered by ANGER, which pushes us to seek vengeance, to direct our feelings toward the people whom we believe responsible for the terrorist attacks, or to people who are close to them (like people of the same ethnic background, of the same religion, similar political views, and so on.)
More cleansing is triggered by FEAR, which pushes us to adopt those behaviors that tend to reduce our fear by recreating a belief in fundamental goodness and in positive values (offering help, volunteering, getting closer to family, friends, community and people directly affected by the attack.) If we look back at the last ten years, we can see examples of both.

Ten years on, what can we do with what we have learned from this horrific tragedy?

If I were to summarize in a few words the biggest lesson of 9/11, this is what I would say: We learned that we need to acknowledge both our fears and our anger, and channel these legitimate feelings in behaviors and public policies that acknowledge our emotions and express them in healthy, balanced and constructive ways by reinforcing physical and emotional security. We also learned that we need to keep the memories of that day fresh in everybody’s mind, so that we strengthen and reinforce the ties that were built on the loss of many lives and the pain of those left behind.

What is stress? Stress is a normal physical response to situations that are perceived as being dangerous. We perceive our abilities to cope with this danger as being inadequate to handle it. So, we get ready for a fight or flight. When we face a danger, our breathing and heart beat increase, and so does our blood pressure; we sweat, we feel a rush of adrenaline; our muscles get tense, and we become very alert. Stress, therefore, is nature’s ways of protecting us by shifting our body responses into high gear and thus increasing our chances of survival. In this way, we get ready to deal with the danger.

Some stress is to be expected, and, in fact, it can be even positive. However, when it gets too intense, or when it becomes a chronic way of life, we are likely to experience serious health problems, both physically and emotionally.

If the stress persists, in fact, our body can develop symptoms like aches and pain all over our body; we may suffer from digestive problems, we may have difficulties concentrating and remembering; we may feel anxious most of the time, irritable, overwhelmed; we cannot relax. I could go on and on, but you get my point of why acute or chronic stresses are bad for you.

And who wants all this?

When we feel stressed, we try to cope with all these symptoms by getting our minds off the areas that cause stress. However, while some of these ways are healthy, some are not. Drinking too much, for instance, or relying on drugs, cigarettes, overeating or oversleeping obviously are not good ways of coping with stress. They don’t remove the cause of it and don’t help us learn good and healthy coping skills. They are, however, quite popular because, temporarily, they allow us to tune out how we feel, so we can better manage our emotions and relax for a little bit. When their effects are over, though, we find ourselves in the same original position we were in at the beginning, or even worse, and this pushes us to seek more relief by using again. Eventually we become dependent on some substance to make us feel better, in this way adding another problem to the original one.

Some healthy ways of dealing with stress, temporarily, are: taking a relaxing bath; going for a walk; doing some relaxation and meditation exercises; listening to calming music, and so on. These are ways of getting our minds off the reason(s) for our stress and, giving us a needed break. However, they don’t address the cause(s) of the problem. So, none of the ways we discussed so far, be them healthy or unhealthy, really help you in the long run.

Are there better ways of coping with stress? Absolutely there are. These are ways that help reduce the distance between the seriousness of the problem and our abilities to cope with it. Once we feel that we have the ability to handle a stressful situation, in fact, we can reduce the amount of stress we feel.

In the following blog we will discuss some of these healthy ways of assessing both situations that can create stress and our resources in dealing with them.
Think of some of the ways in which you cope with stress: what’s helpful and effective to you? Write down some of your answers and compare them to what we will suggest in our next blog!

First of all, it is important to say that each situation is different, so what applies to one may not apply to another, as there isn’t a single answer that applies to all of them.

At one extreme sexting may be part of a much bigger pattern of dysfunctional behaviors, just the tip of the iceberg. These behaviors may have been going on for a long time, with the person acting inappropriately and feeling no remorse about their actions. The two partners may have been estranged for quite some time, unable or uninterested in reconnecting at an emotional and physical level. Couples here, if interested in addressing these dysfunctional issues, need to bring everything to the surface in order to grasp the full impact of the problems on their relationship.

They often may need professional help, like couple counseling, sexual addiction counseling, and/or individual psychotherapy that searches deeper for the root causes of behaviors.

At the other extreme, a partner may have been sexting for the first time, for a very short time, with a familiar person. He or she may be remorseful and guilty, conflicted about these acts and feeling bad about them, even while continuing them. In general, the relationship between the two partners is a healthy one. Both feel close and loving toward each other. Neither has any thoughts of disaffection and/or plans to leave. These couples need an open and frank discussion about what’s going on and what each thinks, feels and wants from their relationship and commitment to one another.

In between these two extremes, there are all kinds of permutations and combinations of intimate relationships, with different degrees of communication and emotional and physical connection. Additionally, one or both partners in the relationship may have various degrees of dysfunction and pathology that influence their actions.

It is, to a large extent, what partners do once they open up the discussion with one another that determines how the relationship will fare. If both partners are interested and willing to work at repairing their relationship, one conversation doesn’t do it. They need to make a commitment to talk on a regular basis; to find the time, at the end of each day, to sit with one another and share their thoughts and FEELINGS. They need to be honest while being empathic; confronting while expressing compassion, and collaborative, instead of adversarial. There has to be time for expressing anger and hurt, betrayal and disappointment, shame and guilt, humiliation and remorse. There has to be an opportunity for each partner to listen without attacking; to be emotionally available and committed to the work.

Beyond that, there has to be time to understand, together, what went wrong; where the disconnection occurred; what triggered the impulse to seek elsewhere something that seemed appealing and fun. Can that be recreated IN THE RELATIONSHIP? The focus should be on how to do so, by being open about likes and dislikes, different views of relationships, expectations, goals. Together, couples should work at rebuilding the feeling of emotional safety that used to be in their relationship, but that at some point disappeared. Additionally, a discussion needs to take place about the future: how can these kinds of actions be prevented from occurring again?

Can all of this be achieved? It can, if couples commit to the hard work that brings about deeper understanding, stronger feelings for one another and a closer loving bond.

This attitude is often due to a temporary suspension of clear thinking these people experience when in the throw of intense desires. This suspension of judgment prevents them from reflecting on the meaning and consequences of their actions. In these cases, they act as though they were above all social and moral conventions. They may believe, unrealistically, that they can get away with what they are doing without any negative repercussions, as they tend to minimize their actions and overvalue their abilities to keep them hidden from others. When caught, they show bravado, even hubris, in justifying their actions

Yes, it is true that powerful alpha males may have more propensities for lusty conquests, as Dr. Fisher stated. They also have more resources available, which makes it easier for them to create opportunities for sexual enjoyment. The long list of politicians caught in illicit affairs and sexual activities seems to confirm this view. Add to this the fact that the media, who in the past protected these kind of “private’ activities in public people, now seem to have no qualms in exposing and sensationalizing them. This makes all of us more aware of the extent of these dysfunctional activities and of how people respond to getting exposed. The recent case of the congressman caught sexting is a case in point.

While there doesn’t seem to be any doubt that voracious sexual appetites and acting out on them may be elements associated with power, drive, success and inflated self confidence, the challenge to restrain from acting on their urges is not theirs alone. All people, at one point or another, have fought with their urges, caught on the one hand with what they want to do and, on the other, with doing the ‘right’ thing. To explain the actions of high testosterone people as purely physiological and to a great extent out of their control is too superficial and simplistic. Furthermore, this explanation seems to provide an easy justification for these people as not being able to help themselves.

The conception of manhood in the Western tradition historically emphasized the ability to control and restrain one’s sexual desires and sexual acting out through the use of willpower and the intellect as being the measure of a man. So, we may ask, how is masculinity conceptualized and viewed in our society today?

In the next blog we will address this question and discuss whether or not this concept of manhood is still relevant in today’s society.

Please stay with us and contribute to the discussion with your experiences and viewpoints.

According to Helen Fisher, an anthropologist who has been studying the role of hormones in human behaviors, people who have high testosterone levels are most likely to find this technology appealing and use it, at times inappropriately, because when the desire strikes, they don’t think but act impulsively. And since, according to Dr. Fisher, high sex drive and ambition go hand in hand, it is understandable why some men whose moral, social and political stature, one would think should provide a deterrent for these actions, are in fact particularly attracted to it. Other scientists, likewise, point out that throughout history successful and ambitious men had huge sexual appetites and expressed them openly. So, this seems to be something to be expected, not surprising.

The physiological explanation on the role of hormones may help understand why some men are more attracted to and may be more likely users of this technology than others. However, it leaves out other elements that play an important role in either mitigating or reinforcing these kinds of behaviors. I am referring to the different emotional, social, cultural and religious influences in a person’s life. The way a child is raised; the modeling from his parents and his community at large; the exposure and influence of religious/moral teachings and, later in his life, the cultural expectations about what constitutes being a man, all mold his views of how to be in intimate relationships and affect his attitudes and behaviors about sex.

How people use sexting can give us a glimpse into their minds so, in the next blogs we will go further into this discussion, and explore some general traits that apply to regular users of sexting.

Please stay with us and contribute to the discussion with your experiences and viewpoints.

There are two myths about this practice that need to be challenged:

1. Only teenagers do it. Not true. According to a recent survey, “The Internet and American Life Project” by the Pew Research Center, the practice of sexting is most common not among teenagers, but among the 18-29 age bracket population. And, even though it is not as frequent, it is also popular with the 30-49 year old crowd.

2. It is not that common. Again, not true. In the 18-29 age bracket, 1/3 of people interviewed admitted to receiving sexually explicit/suggestive photos, and 13% sent them. In the 30-49 age bracket, 17% have received photos and 5% had sent them. Among teenagers, 15% received pictures, and 5% had sent them. And, as this practice becomes more popular, one should expect these numbers to climb.

Increasing use of texting in couples is replacing phone calls in most age brackets with the exception of older adults. Texting has become the way in which intimate partners stay in touch, argue and, yes, are sexually playful with one another.

While texting is faster than a phone call, it is also more anonymous, and this can create room for expressing thoughts and desires that one may not express in person, or even on the phone. The additional use of the camera adds to the attraction of this digital device, making the jump from texting to sexting easily achievable, not only between intimate partners but also between strangers.

Although this way of communicating sexually may be appropriate within the context of a relationship, it can lend itself to unhealthy situations, if used inappropriately and with strangers. Because of the anonymity, in fact, and because this means of communication does not involve physical contact, some users who are committed to intimate relationships and reach out to other sexual partners via sexting may downplay the importance of their actions. They may, in fact, see sexting as not constituting infidelity. Sexting, therefore, can be insidious, creating, as it does, a pseudo ‘safe’ avenue for some people to channel their sexual desires and urges without addressing them IN their primary relationship. Reaching out to strangers in a sexually explicit way, additionally, has a whole set of dangers in and by itself, as can be the case with other digital ways of connecting.

Even though texting is a fairly new phenomenon – its name has been in existence only since 2005 – the underlying motivations are as old as humankind. So, we ask, why are people attracted to this form of sexual communication and who are the people most likely to use it?

While there is no single answer that explains why people are attracted to sexting, nor is there a single profile that applies to every user, there are nonetheless some elements in conjunctions with sexters that are interesting to discuss.

In the next two blogs, some of the explanations people have come up with for the popularity of this practice will be discussed, as well as the underlying causes for the existence, popularity and use of this technology.

In a third blog, the role of this practice in intimate relationships will be discussed.

I don’t think there is a simple yes/no answer, as technology can BOTH enrich and deplete real relationships. We stay in touch with people who live far way through Facebook, phone, e-mail or skype. We can communicate instantly with anybody, just at the touch of a finger. Yet, this same technology can prevent us from being face-to-face with people, as one phone call can just do it. We can “defriend” people we no longer want to associate with just by pressing a key on our keyboard. No second thoughts. No guilt. No embarrassment. We don’t even have to provide long explanations for our decisions. We can maintain more superficial contacts, avoiding getting too personal.

The most important consequence of being hooked on technology, however, is the fragmentation of our time. We cannot go through a meal without checking our Blackberries; we cannot go through a whole conversation without being distracted by our phone ringing, or by texting. Often our attention is spread between more than one focus. This is what I mean by fragmentation. We function in bits: one moment here, one moment there, and back to the first focus, and so on. Children complain their parents don’t give them full attention, as they listen to their days in school while checking their e-mails or texting. The reality is that most of us cannot do more than one thing at a time WELL. When we jump back and forth between different areas, we end up by being fully nowhere. Children, when they notice their parents not paying them full attention as they talk, may believe it’s their fault. Perhaps they are disappointing to the parents, or not interesting enough, or parents don’t love them, they may wonder. Sooner or later they will disconnect as well, creating a rift that won’t be repaired as they grow older. Eventually they, too, will get hooked to technology s they saw their parents do, and fragment their attention between different areas, people and activities.

Another insidious aspect of technology is that it is always available, and responds to our commands without complaining, without throwing a tantrum or disliking us, unlike real people who may do all these things and more. We get used giving commands and be immediately and consistently obeyed. We thus become more impatient with our partners in real life, and expect them to respond to us just like our technological devices do. Some of us may seek refuge in technology altogether, limiting human contact and deluding ourselves that we are “connected” through the use of social media and phone and e-mail interactions.

What can we do to maintain a healthy balance between technology and real life and relationships? The answer is:  MAINTAIN HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. Turn your phone off when your child comes home from school, or when you are having a meal with your spouse, family or a friend. Give the person in front of you your FULL attention when they talk, rather than moving back and forth between the person and the machine that is demanding your attention. Disconnect when you are outside, taking a walk, watering your flowers and, in general, being in contact with nature, or whenever you need a space to think, reflect and enjoy your solitude in order to feel replenished and restored.

Having a purpose

As you plan your retirement, think of what purpose you want your days to have: do you want to learn new skills? Or do you want to volunteer and give back to your community? Do you want to travel, and share with your local school the slides and experiences from your trips? Do you want to get more involved in your neighborhood? Do you want to do philanthropic work? Or do you finally want to learn to play the piano? Whatever you do, think of what purpose your choice will provide in your life and then ask yourself if this is what you want.

Retirement without any planning may lead at best to boredom and disorganization, and at worst to isolation, depression, excessive drinking and disconnection.

Being connected to loved ones is another important element that needs to be included in any retirement plan worth exploring. Being surrounded by loved ones keeps us involved, a part of a group. Loved ones, however, don’t necessarily have to be members of your biological family. They could be good friends, neighbors, fellows in the church or synagogue you attend. They can be people with similar interests to yours, with whom you resonate and feel close. Choosing a community where you can find the kind of neighborhood spirit that makes you feel ‘at home’ is very important, as isolation is dreadful, particularly as we age. So, stay involved in their lives. Ask what’s going on with them. Be interested.

If you plan your retirement right, you will get up each morning looking forward to a new day. You will be active, but not overwhelmingly so. You will feel positive. You will be better able to stay in the present and enjoy it, rather than worrying about what the future will be like for you.

After all, these are the “golden Years.” So, make sure that they are as golden as possible!

Gone seem to be the times when people retired and stayed home, played bingo, and gradually reduced their activities as their physical conditions deteriorated and their energy waned. Up until as recently as twenty to thirty years ago, when people retired they were OLD, often sick with multiple ailments, not interested in travelling and developing new interests and lifestyles. Often they lived close to family, their main activity being involvement with grandchildren and partaking of family life. A few of them, the adventurous and those who could afford it, moved to states like Arizona and Florida to live in retirement communities. These, however, were the exception, not the norm.

The idea of retirement today is quite different. A whole new industry has sprung out to cater to this growing segment of the population. A lot of people, at retirement, are still vibrant, healthy and full of energy, so this new industry is busy offering new housing facilities, new amenities, new opportunities to explore and be active in, and new medical care.

The new retirees tend to regard retirement as the time when they finally can do all the things they had to put aside when they were too busy working at their jobs and raising a family. It’s not surprising, therefore, that the ideas, plans and expectations of retirement are now quite different than what they used to be.

Because of all these differences – and because people live longer, hence they have more retirement years ahead of them – planning for retirement is an extremely important part of reaching this stage in life.

In most studies that address what makes people happy two elements are constantly reported as fundamental: having a purpose and being connected to loved ones. So, whatever you plan for your retirement, these two elements need to play a central role in it.

Having a purpose is an important driving force in selecting what we want to do and how to do it. When we work, whether we are professionals, have a trade or are stay-home parents, we like to feel that our work makes a difference. Perhaps we help people in need, or raise organic vegetables in our garden and sell them to the local farmer’s market. Or, we work in an office, or answer the phones, or clean houses, or do surgery. Or, we choose to raise our kids and spend many years involved in PTOs, immersed in after school activities and teenage angst. Whatever we do, we have a purpose, and this drives us to continue to do what we are doing …or change it, if we feel we don’t contribute enough.

As you plan your retirement, think of what purpose you want your days to have: do you want to learn new skills? Or, do you want to volunteer and give back to your community? Do you want to travel, and share with your local school the slides and experiences from your trips? Do you want to get more involved in your neighborhood? Do you want to do philanthropic work? Whatever you do, think of what purpose your choice will provide in your life and then ask yourself if this is what you want.

Retirement without any planning may lead to boredom, disorganization, and at times isolation and depression.

Being connected to loved ones is another important element that needs to be included in any retirement plan worth exploring. Isolation, particularly as we age, is a very hard thing to tolerate. Loved ones don’t necessarily have to be members of your biological family. They could be good friends, neighbors, fellows in the church or synagogue you attend. They can be people with similar interests to yours, with whom you resonate and feel close. Choosing a community where you can find the kind of neighborhood spirit that makes you feel ‘at home’ is very important, as isolation is dreadful, particularly as we age. Stay involved in their lives. Ask what’s going on with them. Be interested.

If you have planned your retirement right, you will get up each morning looking forward to a new day. You will be active, but not overwhelmingly so. You will feel positive. You will be better able to stay in the present and enjoy it, rather than worrying about what the future will be like for you.