Dr. Roher

A way of assessing the current state of your love relationship is through observing what each of you does in it. Have you and/or your partner been taking each other for granted lately? When was the last time you invested new energy and passion to make your relationship fresh and exciting? Is it possible that you have been so focused on conflict areas – kids, job, daily activities, problems with your extended families, health – that you may not have had any energy left for your partner?

If you want your love relationship to be and stay healthy, you need to work at it, just like you work at being a good parent to your kids, or a good employee, a good son or daughter, or a good housekeeper. So, please stop the treadmill you are on and shift focus by asking yourself: “What does my relationship need RIGHT NOW?”

If you are discouraged and feel you are the only one feeling this way, it helps to consider the strong possibility that you and your partner may feel exactly the same about your relationship and each other, each waiting for the other to respond in a sensitive and considerate way, and each feeling disappointed when this doesn’t happen.

So, here are a few tips on what you can do to start turning things around between the two of you:

1. Be the one to take the first step. Remember that, if you reach out to your partner, he or she will be more likely to respond in kind than if you wait for your partner to make the first move, which may never come.
2. Initiate a dialogue with one another. Do not argue because this is not a matter of who is right or who is wrong. Of course, each of you is convinced you are right and your partner is wrong. Instead, listen to one another and work at incorporating your individual inputs, rather than belittling, criticizing or dismissing them.
3. Set a goal. What do you want to achieve? By when? Again, don’t push your agenda, but work at negotiating a middle ground with your life partner.
4. Make a plan. How are you going to achieve your goal? Who is going to do what? Each of you should share what you are willing to do, rather than focusing on what your partner is NOT doing.
5. Make a commitment to your goal(s) and plan(s). Now that you have a plan and clear goals, make a commitment to them. This will strengthen you resolve and foster a feeling of being in this TOGETHER, as both of you want to make things better.
6. Create an alliance with your partner. Talk to him or her about how you can help each other and improve the health of your relationship by addressing common needs and, together, strategize on how to meet them.

Begin to think about implementing some of these suggestions and keep track of the results.

In the next blog, I will provide more tips to make your love relationship healthier and stronger.

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