Week Twenty Four - A Day in The Life - Killing Frost
I left Francesca and moved out of the house two days ago. I am now staying with my friend Mark. He doesn’t know much of what is going on, but asks no question; just told me I could sleep on his couch as long as I need to. Thanks God for friends who don’t ask questions!
I just did not know what else to do with Francesca. It seemed as though, no matter what I did, she seemed to be unhappy. She found faults in everything I did. I don’t think I am that bad. I don’t think I deserve all the criticism she has been dishing out for the past several weeks.
Right now I don’t want to think about the future. I am just trying to stay with the present, go to work, keep my mind organized, and focus on what needs to be done on a day by day basis. It’s not that I want to leave her, I haven’t actually thought that far, but we need some room to breath – I need some room to breath, I don’t know about her. But she didn’t try to stop me either, when I told her I was going to be at Mark’s place for a few days. She didn’t even try to talk to me, which is quite unlike her. I was expecting a lot of question, high drama, attacks and complaints, but nothing happened. She just went into another room and that was it! I guess she is getting tired too of these issues that get dragged on and on without resolution.
I thought the idea of letting go of the house was a good one. After all, it showed I am concerned about our finances and thought of a solution, something she often accused me of not doing. She didn’t have to agree with my plan, but she didn’t even listen to my views, and did not want to discuss it.
I am tired of this. I am tired of always having to be concerned about how Francesca will respond to me. Tired of questioning everything I do. I can’t be myself. I am even questioning what I am doing at work, when before I felt quite confident about my performance there.
I wonder who she told we are living apart to: Her parents? Mine? I didn’t tell anyone, because, after all, it’s nobody’s business but ours, but she has a need to talk about us to other people. It bothers me, particularly when it’s common friends she talks to, or her parents. When I am around them I don’t know what they know and what they think of me.
I feel so relieved now that I am by myself! After work, I come home and relax. I sleep better at night. I can have a couple of beers without Francesca looking at me disapprovingly. I don’t think about her during the day when I am at work. Maybe I really needed a break.