Week Twenty Nine - A Day in The Life -  Unpredictable Weather Pattern Ahead

I just couldn’t take it anymore. I called Paul. It has been five weeks since he moved out of the house and all this time I have been waiting for him to make the first move, but nothing happened. Not one word from him. Not a sign. Maybe I made a mistake by breaking this pattern of silence between us, but I truly couldn’t take this being in a limbo any longer.

I hate not to know what’s going on. I tried to talk to myself. I tried to convince myself that he NEEDED to call me, for the sake of our relationship, but how long would I have waited? This silence was killing me, a little every day, each day more than the day before. Each day my feelings were all over the map, going from missing him terribly to hating him with passion, and everything in between. Now that I have talked to him, however, rather than feeling better I am angry at myself for having done so. Have I resolved anything? I don’t think so. I still have all my questions unanswered. I still have all my doubts and concerns.

It is the end of August, barely six months after our wedding, and this is the time when we had planned to start a family! All this sounds so far away now. I don’t even recognize myself. I would never have thought I would get to this point in such a short time.

One of the most difficult things to do is to go to work everyday as though everything were normal and peachy. People ask me how Paul and I are doing and I have to smile, fake happiness and endure the stupid jokes about still being on our honey moon. If they only knew how far we are from our honeymoon! It seems like our wedding happened in another dimension, another life, so removed it is from where we are now, and so disconnected from how I feel today.

I don’t know what’s going to happen to us. Will we ever get back to a good place with one another? It’s difficult to say at this point. I am angry. I am disappointed. I am frustrated. I feel cheated, betrayed.

I know my parents want me to confide in them, but I don’t want to tell them too much at this point. I don’t trust them. I am afraid they will tell me that this is what they had forecasted, and I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear that they  were right. I don’t want to believe that they could see something with Paul, way back then, that I start t see right now. I don’t have anybody to turn to for advice, directions, counsel. I feel so alone.

I don’t think I will ever trust Paul again, not after all he did. How can I believe that he loves me, that we have common goals, that we are a team? These are all things he used to tell me before we got married, that we were a team and would always be on the same side. Really? When was the last time we were on the same side?