Week Thirty Six - A Day in The Life -  Cooling Rain

Now I understanding why dating is so much fun! You look forward to being together. You are both on your best behavior. You are very careful about what you say and how you say it. You focus entirely on each other, leaving everything and everybody out. It’s like living in a bubble that is only for the two of you. You don’t have to worry about things like getting the groceries, paying the bills and who is going to do the laundry this week.

I know this is not real life, but a fantasy. I wonder if we need to recreate this fantasy again in order for us to feel close again. This could certainly be a way of keeping the spark alive!

Today in Marsha’s office I talked about my fears of being left out, of being ignored by Paul, of not being valued as an equal partner by him. It was my turn to be vulnerable and share my feelings of the past few months.

At first I was hesitant. What if Paul was going to use this information against me the next time we had an argument? Would he think I am fragile and weak for being afraid of these things? Will he change his view of me?

For a while I had not wanted him to see what I really felt because it wasn’t safe. I was afraid he wouldn’t understand, that he would make fun of me, he would laugh… but in the session today he did none of those things. He listened and then said, “I am sorry I did not notice and caused you to be afraid.”  Yes, you heard correctly: Paul was apologizing for not being there for me!

I was speechless. Marsha said nothing either, so for a few moments there was absolute silence in her office. I didn’t know what to say. I started to cry. Paul reached out to the tissues box, pulled one out and handed it over to me. Marsha asked me: “How does it feel, Francesca, to hear what Paul said?”

It felt good. It felt real good. But I couldn’t say anything. I kept sniffing and blowing my nose. I guess it was a very emotional moment. It felt like the rock that had been weighing on my heart was beginning to loosen its grip. All of a sudden it felt like Paul and I could have a future together. I had a visual image of the two of us in our house again, happy as we were at the beginning, stronger than we ever were, able to deal with whatever life was going to throw our way...

Marsha brought me back to reality. “We need to end now, she said. See you next week at the same time.”