Week Thirty Seven - A Day in The Life - Sun Intermittently Breaking Throught The Clouds
I think Francesca is warming up toward me. I am not completely sure, but she does not seem to be so angry any longer.
When I left home and didn’t see Francesca for those few weeks, I realized I really love her and I wouldn’t want to be without her. This is when I also realized I needed to make some changes if I wanted this relationship to work. Francesca is noticing some of these changes, and seems to be happy about them. She should make some changes too, because it wasn’t only me that created the problems between us.
So, let’s see what I want her to change: She tends to be bossy and tells me what to do, as though I were a little kid who cannot make decisions for himself. She forgets I was single for a few years when we met. I don’t think she respects me very much. She gets angry with me when I shut down, not realizing that the more she pushes the more I shut down. I know, I know, this is not the best way to handle her. But she reminds me of my mother at times and I can’t stand it.
When Francesca asked ne to see Marsha with her I wanted to yell NO WAY! I never thought I would see a counselor. I thought, what do they know that the two of us don’t? I never wanted to talk about my personal life with anyone, let alone a stranger! I remember when I was a kid and my mother would “interrogate” me when I came home from school: what did I do, who did I play with; what did we talk about; how did it feel, and on and on. I hated it. I am ok keeping things to myself. I think about them when I am driving, or I am working at something that does not require my full attention.
When Francesca and I first went out, I felt I could tell her everything, though. I had never had that feeling before, or that urge, but with her I WANTED her to know everything about me, and I about her. We used to spend a lot of time talking, reminiscing, and philosophizing about everything. But those long conversations decreased with time, ad each of us became busy with… just life, I guess. And I went back to my solitary conversations of before I met her.
With Marsha at first we were both quite cautious, not delving too much into our deep thoughts and our past. However, the little we did was quite interesting. It gave me some new ways of looking at things which I had not considered. It actually felt good to hear another person, a stranger, make comments about what had been happening between Francesca and I, and put things in perspective. Now I find myself thinking about these sessions in my soliloquy and incorporate some of Marsha’s views and insights into it.
I wished we could move faster in therapy, so Francesca and I could make decisions about our lives, but I understand it takes time to sort things out and process them. However, I would like to have some idea of where we are going and how are we going to get there. On the other hand, it feels good to chat with Francesca without ending in an argument as we used to. I like Marsha’s rule of not talking about therapy outside of therapy, but when we see Marsha next week, I will bring up some of my thoughts and will ask her to help us discuss where we are going and if we can make some plans.