Week Forty Five - A Day in The Life -  More Clouds and Rain

These days life continues to have a surreal quality to it, each day feeling more like a bad dream than reality as I used to know it. I have not even been able to keep up with these blogs, so now I have to catch up and make them current again.

Paul and I have been doing what we are supposed to do – these days take care of his mother and attend to all the arrangements and issues that come up with a death in the family, and go through the holidays, no small feat with things being the way they are– but our hearts are not in it. We feel internally disconnected, like there is an internal split between our logical minds and our emotions, and disconnected from one another. Or at least this is true for me, because I can’t see I know what’s going on with Paul. He is completely shut off. He shows no emotions. I have not seen him shed a tear in all these days. He hasn’t made any comment about missing his father. The other day I asked him to write a blog, thinking this would shed some light in what he is thinking and feeling, but he said he cannot and won’t do it. Of course he explained his refusal with excuses like he is too busy taking care of other things, but I suspect he doesn’t want to open up the emotional gates of his heart and face what’s going on inside.

I understand we all have our own grieving speed. Some people feel the full impact of the loss right away. Others are in denial for various lengths of time. Others never properly grieve. Others grieve forever. Which path will Paul take in his grieving? It’s difficult to say at this point. He hasn’t had any time to really think about what happened, caught as he has been in a whirlwind of activities and responsibilities. For instance, he had no idea about his parents’ financial situation, as they had always been very private with him in the past. Now, all of a sudden, he is thrown into making financial decisions, as his mother is practically useless at this point. He had to make all the funeral arrangements; know where all the accounts are; deal with his father’s life insurance; transfer money to make it available for current expenses. And, of course, he hasn’t even started dealing with the future: where is his mother going to live? She says she doesn’t want to go back to her home because it is too painful, but she cannot live with us indefinitively… I feel cruel in even saying this, but I don’t think her staying with us for an indefinite amount of time will help us get back on track with our marriage.

There are some difficult conversations Paul and I will have to have, but right now I don’t want to even think about them.

On top of all this, it is Christmas. Paul’s father’s death couldn’t have happened at a worse time. Of course, I know there never is a GOOD time to die, but, of all times, this was definitively the worst. Christmas is a time when everybody is supposed to be happy, to spend time with loved ones; to express our appreciation and love for each other… and here we are grieving a major loss and having ne energy to think about the holidays.