Week Forty Seven - A Day in The Life - No Break In Bad Weather
It all seems déjà vu all over again with Francesca. She is needy, demanding, pushy, controlling and smothering these days. She doesn’t give me any room to deal with my father’s death, my mother’s problems, and all the other things that crowd my life these days. Her behaviors these days reminds me so much of how I felt a few months ago when I felt home because I couldn’t stand her constant badgering me about needing to talk, share, express feelings, etc. Can’t she just respect my way of coping with all this stress MY WAY?
When she acts that way and doesn’t let go, I shut down and ignore her, because this is the only thing that works with her. There is nothing she can do to make me talk if I don’t want to. And I don’t want to right now. I am barely managing everything, juggling many balls in the air at the same time, I cannot afford to focus on my feelings and take care of her as well.
I would have wanted her to be strong for me at these times. To support and give me the space I need, and wait until I felt ready to open up and talk with her. But no, she wants things when she wants them, no matter how I feel and need. She accuses me of being insensitive and uncaring, and yet her behavior is as insensitive and uncaring as she thinks mine is. Mine is for self preservation. I JUST CANNOT AFFORD TO LOOK AT MY FEELINGS NOW. There is too much that needs my attention.
I tell her that, once things are settled, we will be able to process how my father’s passing has affected me, but not now. Now I have to be strong for my mother, who is a basket case and has become as clingy and needy as Francesca, even worse. I have to have my head together when I go to work, trying to shut out everything else in order to be able to concentrate on what I am doing. My boss has been very considerate and understanding, but work is work, I understand that, and he expects me to perform and meet deadlines. Everybody seems to want something from me these days, and I am trying to do as much as possible, but it is difficult.
Yes I know I have been drinking more than I should. Francesca has complained about it a few times. My mother says nothing, but I know she is watching me too. When I am buzzed I can tune things out. These are the only times when I can relax, because even when I sleep I cannot tune things out. I have been dreaming about my father a lot. Perhaps I should have made more of an effort to spend time with him when he was around…