Week Forty Nine - A Day in The Life -  Holding Pattern

It was good to see Marsha again. I hear more about Paul’s thoughts and feelings when we are there than the rest of the week. I heard him express a lot of sadness, particularly at night, he says, when he wakes up and cannot go back to sleep for long stretches of time. I hadn’t even been aware that Paul was awake at night, as he had not mentioned anything to me.

At times, when I am in Marsha’s office and hear Paul talk, I wonder if this is the same person who lives with me, who talks very little about his emotions and thoughts and who seems to be so superficial and matter of fact about everything. There, on the other hand, he shows a complex internal life, which seem to make his behaviors such much clearer! I look at him and I am amazed by the depth of his reflections; his self awareness and understanding and his clearly thought out plans and directions, which to me had seemed, without this added knowledge, rambling and aimless.

I wonder why he doesn’t open up with me in the same way. Here I go again, I know, complaining that what he gives me is not enough. I know, I know, I should be glad he HAS an internal life and some depth. But I still feel excluded, like he doesn’t trust me, or something like that. Maybe he thinks I am not at his level, or maybe this is just his way of keeping at a safe distance from me?

Be it as it may, I was glad to hear him express his concerns about his mother, laying out both his sense of responsibility and his frustration at having to take care of her, now that his dad is gone. And about his dad he recalled lovely childhood memories of the two of them working together on an old car his dad used to drive for fun when Paul was a child. His eyes filled out with tears at one moment, though he immediately pushed them back. He also talked about his sadness about having lost the closeness the two of them had while he was growing up and drifted apart. He seemed to be able to hold various contrasting emotions about his dad at the same time, and having no problem with that.

I felt a wave of love for him, as I was listening to him talking about these things. I wanted to hug him and hold him tight and tell him I was going to be with him forever. But, of course, I did nothing of that. I just sat there and listened to him talking to Marsha and she responding to him in a supportive way. Almost like I wasn’t even there. I really contributed almost nothing to the session that day. In fact, that session wasn’t even about me and Paul. It was all about Paul.

When we left Marsha’s office, we went to see his mother, so there was no opportunity for us to maintain the connection I felt with him at Marsha’s office. He became immediately the responsible son, focused on problem solving for mother. His feelings got tucked away again and there was no more sharing about how he felt.