Week Five - A Day in The Life - Partly Cloudy
I am so glad this week is over. It was one of the strangest weeks I ever had. Almost surreal. For most of it I felt like it was not happening to me, but I was just watching it from the outside, like a spectator watching a movie, and not even a pleasant movie at that. As a spectator, I felt for the actors, but could not change the course of events one way or the other. I guess that’s how I feel about my life these days.
I was waiting for Paul to set that stage for the second chapter in this story: where to go from here. Should we talk about what we need to do? Is there anything to do aside from just waiting to see what will happen next? We have not talked about him losing his job, aside from Friday when he came home and told me, over and over, how he was informed they no longer needed him and he was to clear his desk and leave the badge before leaving the building that day.
During this past week I made some attempts to broach the subject, but every time he changed the subject. Once he actually left the room. A couple of times he responded with platitudes like, “Don’t worry about it. I know what I am doing. I already have some prospects.” But when I asked him about these prospects, he was vague. It is quite obvious he regards this to be HIS problem and I should stay out of it.
In the meanwhile, he takes care of things around the house as nothing had happened. The other day I heard him in the garage humming a tune as he was fixing the lawn mower, like it was a day like any other, with no worries on his mind. Is he truly so relaxed, or is it an act he is putting up for me? How can he be so calm when he just lost his job and he knows as well as I do that we won’t be able to make our mortgage payments on my salary alone?
While he seems to be so placid about this whole situation, I am all over the map. During the day when I am at work I cannot concentrate on what I am doing, constantly thinking about what we are going to do next. When I come home at night I walk on eggshells because I don’t know how to behave around Paul. I want to help him, be supportive, be there for him, but it is so difficult! The moment I walk through the door my heart starts pounding. I tell myself to calm down, that Paul will notice my agitation, that instead of helping I will make him feel worse. .. Nothing works! I watch Paul for any indication of what is going on with him. And I watch myself because I am trying to appear normal. I watch what I say, how I say and not say. When I am at home I can’t wait to be out again. When I am at work I wonder what Paul is doing at that very moment, and want to be home with him.
I went to see my folks last Wednesday. I wanted to talk to them about what is going on at home but I could not get myself to open up. In fact, what I really hoped for what that they would take a look at me and know that there was something wrong with me and ask, but of course they did not. They too acted as though everything was just peachy. I was afraid that if I mentioned anything dad would say something negative about Paul. After all, he was not very happy when I told him we were going to get married. Well, he never said anything directly to me about this, but I know how he feels because I know him well. He always felt Paul was not as responsible as he would have wanted for me. In his mind I am still his little girl, and he wants me to be with somebody who can protect and take good care of me. His attitude about women always drove me crazy. I always had to prove that I could take care of myself without a man. I hear Paul’s car pulling in the driveway. I guess this is as good a time as any to face him directly…